Dave Barry - Dave Barrys Only Travel Guide Youll Ever Need

If theres one thing you can count on from Dave Barry, its extreme humor. Nonstop yuks.

Dallas News

Dave Barry is the only living writer who makes me laugh out loud, something he accomplished on virtually every page of his latest collection of crazinessfrom the introduction to the final page.

The Boston Globe

Have you ever had a vacation where you didnt lose the car keys or travelers checks, get a seat on the plane next to a crying baby or airsick adult, or end up divorced without ever going near Nevada? If so, you probably wouldnt understand whats so funny about Dave Barrys Only Travel Guide Youll Ever Need. The rest of us, however, would.

Kansas City Star

For good old belly laughs and delightful play with clichs of the language, theres Dave Barrys Only Travel Guide Youll Ever Need.

The Boston Phoenix

By Dave Barry:

DAVE BARRYS GUIDE TO MARRIAGE AND/OR SEX

CLAW YOUR WAY TO THE TOP

STAY FIT AND HEALTHY UNTIL YOURE DEAD

BABIES AND OTHER HAZARDS OF SEX

THE TAMING OF THE SCREW

BAD HABITS: A 100% FACT-FREE BOOK

DAVE BARRY SLEPT HERE

DAVE BARRY TURNS 40

DAVE BARRY TALKS BACK

DAVE BARRYS ONLY TRAVEL GUIDE

YOULL EVER NEED

DAVE BARRY DOES JAPAN

DAVE BARRY ISNOTMAKING THIS UP

HOMES AND OTHER BLACK HOLES

DAVE BARRYS GREATEST HITS

DAVE BARRYS COMPLETE GUIDE TO GUYS

DAVE BARRY IN CYBERSPACE

DAVE BARRY IS FROM MARS AND VENUS

DAVE BARRYS BOOK OF BAD SONGS

DAVE BARRY TURNS 50

BIG TROUBLE

DAVE BARRY IS NOT TAKING THIS SITTING DOWN!

DAVE BARRY HITS BELOW THE BELTWAY

TRICKY BUSINESS

BOOGERS ARE MY BEAT

DAVE BARRYS MONEY SECRETS

DAVE BARRYS HISTORY OF THE MILLENNIUM

(SO FAR)

Published by Ballantine Books

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This book is dedicated to
Wilbur and Orville Wright,
without whom air sickness
would still be just a dream.

CHAPTER ONE:

CHAPTER TWO:

CHAPTER THREE:

CHAPTER FOUR:

CHAPTER FIVE:

CHAPTER SIX:

CHAPTER SEVEN:

CHAPTER EIGHT:

M ankind has always had a yen to travel. Millions of years ago, Mankind would be sitting around the cave, eating raw mastodon parts, and hed say, Marge, I have a yen to travel. And Marge would agree instantly, because she had frankly reached the point where if she saw one more mastodon part, she was going to scream. So off theyd go, these primitive tourists, exploring new territory, seeing new sights, encountering new cultures, and eventually having their skulls bashed into tiny fragments by the Big Rock Tribe.

But that has not stopped us. No, the human race is far too stupid to be deterred from tourism by a mere several million years of bad experiences, and today, were traveling in larger numbers than ever. We travel because, no matter how comfortable we are at home, theres a part of us that wantsthat needsto see new vistas, take new tours, obtain new travelers checks, buy new souvenirs, order new entrees, introduce new bacteria into our intestinal tracts, learn new words for transfusion, and have all the other travel adventures that make us want to French-kiss our doormats when we finally get home.

Of course, traveling is much easier today than it used to be. A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at OHare, you cant get there at all. Also, in the olden days a major drawback to traveling was the fact that much of the world was occupied by foreign countries, which had no concept whatsoever of how a country is supposed to operate. Many of them did not accept major credit cards. Sometimes the people would not understand plain English unless you spoke very loud. A few of these countriesits hard to believe this was even legaldid not have television in the hotel rooms.

So as you can imagine, traveling was often a harsh and brutal experience. In one case, a group of innocent American tourists was taken on a tour bus through a country the members later described as either France or Sweden and subjected to three days of looking at old, dirty buildings in cities where it was not possible to get a cheeseburger. It reached the point where the U.S. government was considering having U.S. troops, with special military mini-bars strapped to their backs, parachute into these countries to set up emergency restaurants.

Fortunately, however, most of these countries eventually realized the marketing advantages of not being so foreign. Today you can go to almost any country in the world and barely realize that youve left Akron, Ohio, unless of course you are so stupid as to go outside the hotel. Never go outside the hotel: this is one of the cardinal rules of travel. Another one is: Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.

These are just two of the many vital nuggets of information youll find throughout this book. Another good thing about this book is, it doesnt mince words. The problem with most so-called experts in the travel industry is that they areno offenselying scum. These people want you to travel. Thats how they make money. Thats why theyre called the travel industry. So naturally theyre going to tell you whatever they think you want to hear.

YOU : So, are there modern hotels in Latvia?

TRAVEL AGENT : Oh, yes. Very modern. Extremely modern.

YOU : Have you been there?

TRAVEL AGENT : Not technically, no, but I have perused almost all the way through a brochure about it, and I can assure you that the modernity of Latvian hotels is pretty much of a legend. As modern as a Latvian hotel is an expression that we frequently bandy about, here in the travel industry.

And then, of course, when you get there, you discover that the hotel elevator is powered by oxen, and you have to share a communal bathroom with several Baltic republics, and the toilet paper could be used to deflect small-arms fire. But at that point there are no representatives of the travel industry within a thousand miles. Youll never find them in Latvia. They spend their vacations at the mall.

Most travel guidebooks are the same way. For one thing, most of these books are filled with information that was gathered during the Truman administration. The writers never have time to update the information, because theyre too busy cranking out next years edition (NEW! REVISED! HIGHLY INACCURATE!). Also, no matter what destination these books are talking about, theyll tell you its wonderful: Even the most demanding traveler is bound to feel a warm glow after only a few days in Chernobyl