Barry - Dave Barrys Homes and Other Black Holes

Introduction:

Chapter 1:

Chapter 2:

Chapter 3:

Chapter 4:

Chapter 5:

Chapter 6:

Chapter 7:

Chapter 8:

Chapter 9:

Chapter 10:

Chapter 11:

The desire to own a home of ones own has been a part of human nature ever since that fateful moment, millions of years ago, when our earliest ancestors climbed down out of their trees and moved into their very first caves. It was a major moment in history, and its glory was dimmed only slightly by the fact that their furniture did not arrive for another 250,000 years.

Yes, moving into a new home is one of lifes great adventures, constantly posing new and exciting challenges.

For example, just recently my wife, son, and I moved to Florida, and the first thing I noticed was that there were crabs living under our house. There were two main ones, named Bob and Steve, who had established holes on either side of our front door, which they were always working on. Id come out in the morning to get the paper, and there would be Bob and Steve, waving their claws at me as if to say in cheerful crab language: Hi, Mr. Barry! Were digging holes under your house, and unless you do something, the entire structure will eventually fall into the canal!

What I ultimately decided to do about the crabs was the same thing I ultimately do about virtually all homeowner-type problems, namelyand you might want to write this down, because it is the core philosophy of this entire bookI try not to think about it. Trust me, this is the best way. If God had wanted us to spend all our time fretting about the problems of home ownership, He would never have created beer.

Essential tools you will need
for homeowner-type problems:

This is not to say that I am recommending that you totally ignore your responsibilities as a homeowner and just sit around all day with a beer can in your hand. No indeed, I have long been a believer in purchasing bottled beer, and pouring it into a chilled glass. If youre going to do something, do it rightthat is my motto, and you will find that throughout this book I have made every effort to present all relevant houseowning information as accurately and completely as possible given the fact that I am making almost all of it up.

Which is not to say that I am unqualified to write this book. I have bought and sold several homes in my day, although I will admit that in the case of our current home, I never even saw it until after I signed the agreement of sale. My wife, Beth, did the actual shopping. This is because I get extremely nervous in sales situations. I will do absolutely anything to please the salesperson. Usually, in stores, I can flee on foot before a salesperson gets to me, but if I dont get away, Im a dead man. Like, if Im walking through Sears, and I happen to pause for just a moment in the major appliances section, and one of those Sears appliance salespersons in polyester sport jackets comes sidling up and says, Can I help you? I instantly go into a state of extreme anxiety and say: Yes, Ill take one of these, please, pointing to whatever major appliance I happen to be standing in front of, even though we probably already have one.

So I am a bad person to have on your side in a real estate sales situation. I drive my wife crazy, because I always want to buy whatever structure we happen to be standing in:

ME : Well! This looks perfect!

MY WIFE : This is the real estate brokers office.

ME : Well, how much are they asking?

This is why I was not actively involved in the purchase of our present house. But I still have to help pay for it, which is why even though you may not be thrilled that you bought this book, Im certainly glad you did.

In deciding which house to buy, the first thing you have to do is determine your Price Range, using this simple formula:

1. Take your total annual family income, including coins that have fallen behind the bureau and any projected future revenue you have been notified about via personalized letters from Mr. Ed McMahon stating that you may already have won fourteen million dollars.

2. Count up the number of children you have and note how many of them are named Joshua or Ashley. That many? Really? Dont you feel this trend toward giving children designer names has gone far enough? Dont you think we should go back to the old system of naming children after beloved uncles and aunts, even if we in fact hate our beloved uncles and aunts and they have comical names such as Lester? Can you imagine having an aunt named Lester? These questions are not directly related to your Price Range. Im just curious to know how you feel.

3. Now take these figures (No! Im not going to tell you again which ones! Pay attention!) and multiply them by six; which will tell you, in thousands of yards, roughly how far away the lightning bolt was. No! Wait! Sorry! Wrong formula! You want to take these figures and multiply them by something other than six. This should give you a very strong idea of what your Price Range is, although we shall soon see that it doesnt matter because there are no homes in it anyway.