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Table of Contents

Also by Dave Barry

Fiction

Peter and the Sword of Mercy (with Ridley Pearson)
Science Fair (with Ridley Pearson)
Peter and the Secret of Rundoon (with Ridley Pearson)
Cave of the Dark Wind (with Ridley Pearson)
The Shepherd, the Angel, and Walter the Christmas Miracle Dog
Escape from the Carnivale (with Ridley Pearson)
Peter and the Shadow Thieves (with Ridley Pearson)
Peter and the Starcatchers (with Ridley Pearson)
Tricky Business
Big Trouble

Nonfiction

Dave Barrys History of the Millennium (So Far)
Dave Barrys Money Secrets
Boogers Are My Beat
Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway
Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down!
Dave Barry Turns 50
Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus
Dave Barrys Book of Bad Songs
Dave Barry in Cyberspace
Dave Barrys Complete Guide to Guys
Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up
Dave Barry Does Japan
Dave Barrys Only Travel Guide Youll Ever Need
Dave Barry Talks Back
Dave Barry Turns 40
Dave Barry Slept Here
Dave Barrys Greatest Hits
Homes and Other Black Holes
Dave Barrys Guide to Marriage and/or Sex
Dave Barrys Bad Habits
Claw Your Way to the Top
Stay Fit and Healthy Until Youre Dead
Babies and Other Hazards of Sex
The Taming of the Screw

This book is dedicated to everybody who buys this book. Without you, I would have to get an actual job.

Ill Mature When Im Dead

Introduction

When a man reaches a certain point in his life, he feels a need to pass along the wisdom he has gained to younger generations. Of course the younger generations pay no attention; theyre busy tweeting podcast YouTube blog apps on Facebook, or whatever the hell theyre doing these days.

But if the Internet ever goes down and the younger generations have some spare time, I hope they read this book. Its a group of essays I wrote, mostly based on the theme of what it means to be an adult.

Hah! you are saying. What would YOU know about being an adult?

Thats a fair point. In my long career (1887-2005) as a newspaper columnist, I was not known for being the voice of maturity. I was known for being the voice of discussing what would happen if a cow exploded on a commercial airplane flight.

But since I stopped writing my weekly column, some things have changed. For one thing, there was a serious economic recession. Was this because the nation was devastated by the loss of my column? Modesty prevents me from speculating. But, duh.

For another thing, Ive had time to reflect. A lot of people think that all I do in retirement is sit around watching TV, drinking beer, and passing gas. My wife thinks this, for example. But when I appear to be an inert sack of flatulent flesh on the couch, I am in fact reflecting, at least during commercials.

And when Im not reflecting, Ive been having significant life experiences. In the past few years I watched my son get married; watched my daughter play many soccer matches and perform in ballet recitals lasting longer than the Spanish-American War; got a dog named Lucy; rode in a fire truck with Clarabelle the famous Walt Disney cow; had some medical adventures involving direct medical assaults on some of my most personal regions; took up spinning; ran for president; nearly won the Nobel Peace Prize; and spent the equivalent of the gross national product of Uruguay on veterinarian fees in an effort to repair a persistent injury to Lucys tail caused by the fact that she wags too hard.

These life experiences, plus my reflections, were the inspiration for the essays in this book. With one exception, they have never been published in a newspaper. Theyre longer than my weekly columns were, because I wasnt limited by rigid newspaper length limits (currently seventeen words per column, unless they are big words such as refrigerator). This meant that, in writing this book, I was able to stretch artisticallyto go beyond simply writing a few booger jokes on a given topic, and instead write literally dozens of booger jokes on a given topic. Yes, it was a lot of effort, but if these essays help you in some wayby teaching you something useful about relationships, or parenting, or just getting through this crazy thing we call adulthoodthen I for one will be surprised.

Throughout this book, I have tried to be as honest and accurate as possible, except when I am lying. I take full responsibility for everything you are about to read; any misstatements or errors of fact are solely the fault of global climate change. In conclusion, I hope you enjoy this book, and if you come away from reading it with just one message, let it be this: If a veterinarian suggests that you can somehow keep your dog from wagging its tail, that veterinarian is smoking crack.

The Elephant and the Dandelion

(A Defense of Men)

My wife has a friend whom I will call Bernice. (That is not her real name. It is not anybodys real name.)

Bernice is an attractive, smart, funny, middle-aged single woman who would love to be in a committed relationship with a man. My wife knows approximately 1,700 attractive, smart, funny, middle-aged single women who would love to be in a committed relationship with a man. (I dont mean with the same man.) (Although at this point they might not rule it out.)

Several times a week, after talking with one of these women, my wife delivers a rant (it runs about seventy-five minutes, including a bathroom break) about how WRONG it is that there are all these attractive, smart, funny, middle-aged single women out there, and they CANT FIND A MAN. My wife has a theory about why this is, namely: Men are idiots.

My wife believes that men tend to have insanely high physical standards regarding the kind of woman theyre willing to settle for. She notes that a middle-aged man can have tarantula-grade nose hair, b.o. that can cause migrating geese to change course, and enough spare tissue to form a whole new middle-aged man, but this man can still believe that he is physically qualified to date Scarlett Johansson.

Whats wrong with these men? my wife asks purely rhetorically. Dont they have mirrors?

It is true that men can appear to be superficial about what qualities they seek in the opposite sex, as shown in this scientific chart:

But does this mean that men are nothing but a bunch of shallow low-life sex-obsessed horn dogs? Yes. But men have a solid scientific excuse: biology.

As we know from attending high school, the human body is actually made up of trillions of tiny one-celled animals called cells, which clot together to form important organs such as the spleen, the jowls, and the goiter. Every single human cell contains DNA, which is a special molecule that your body leaves behind at crime scenes so the police can identify you. But DNA has another important purpose: It contains your genetic code, which enables you to pass along to future generations your distinguishing characteristics, such as hair color, age, hating the Yankees, etc. There are two crucial facts you need to know about DNA. The first one is:

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