Dave Barry - You Can Date Boys When Youre Forty: Dave Barry on Parenting and Other Topics He Knows Very Little About

ALSO BY DAVE BARRY

FICTION

Insane City

Lunatics (with Alan Zweibel)

The Bridge to Never Land (with Ridley Pearson)

Peter and the Sword of Mercy (with Ridley Pearson)

Science Fair (with Ridley Pearson)

Peter and the Secret of Rundoon (with Ridley Pearson)

Cave of the Dark Wind (with Ridley Pearson)

The Shepherd, the Angel, and Walter

the Christmas Miracle Dog

Escape from the Carnivale (with Ridley Pearson)

Peter and the Shadow Thieves (with Ridley Pearson)

Peter and the Starcatchers (with Ridley Pearson)

Tricky Business

Big Trouble

NONFICTION

Ill Mature When Im Dead

Dave Barrys History of the Millennium (So Far)

Dave Barrys Money Secrets

Boogers Are My Beat

Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway

Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down

Dave Barry Turns 50

Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus

Dave Barrys Book of Bad Songs

Dave Barry in Cyberspace

Dave Barrys Complete Guide to Guys

Dave Barry Is NOT Making This Up

Dave Barry Does Japan

Dave Barrys Only Travel Guide Youll Ever Need

Dave Barry Talks Back

Dave Barry Turns 40

Dave Barry Slept Here

Dave Barrys Greatest Hits

Homes and Other Black Holes

Dave Barrys Guide to Marriage and/or Sex

Dave Barrys Bad Habits

Claw Your Way to the Top

Stay Fit and Healthy Until Youre Dead

Babies and Other Hazards of Sex

The Taming of the Screw

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Copyright 2014 by Dave Barry

Photograph of Dave rappelling in Israel by Doug Shapiro.

Photograph of Dave on The Today Show by Katie McKee.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Barry, Dave.

You can date boys when youre forty : Dave Barry on parenting and other topics he knows very little about / Dave Barry.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-1-101-63149-2

1. FamilyHumor. 2. ParentingHumor. I. Title.

PN6231.F3B375 2014 2013037714

306.85'02'07dc23

To my children, Rob and Sophie, who, against all odds, turned out sane

CONTENTS

T his is not really a book about parenting. I say this because the title clearly refers to parenting, which may have given you the impression that the actual book is about parenting. But theres a wise old saying that goes: You cant judge a book by its cover. Like so many wise old sayings, this is stupid, because of course most of the time you can judge a book by its cover. The whole point of the cover is to tell you what the book is about. For example, if the cover says Cooking on a Budget , you know the book contains inexpensive recipes; and if the cover says Lose Weight Fast , you know the book contains lies.

But as I say, this book isnt about parenting. It mentions parenting, but it also covers many other topics, including grammar, sex, camels, women, brain surgery, sex with women, how to become a professional author, airlines, Justin Bieber and death. Thats why my original idea was to give the book a more vague and general title. Here are some of the titles I submitted to the publisher:

But the marketing people wanted something more specific, and they liked the idea of a title that was about family and/or parenting. So after rejecting several more of my suggestions (including Without Family, We Would Have Nothing, Except Way More Money and Spare Time ) they went with the current title, You Can Date Boys When Youre Forty .

Those words do appear in one of the essays in this book, and they are words that I have actually said to my daughter, Sophie. As I write this, Sophie is thirteen years old, which, as you veteran parents of daughters know, is a terrifying age because of puberty. Girls do not go through puberty the way boys do. For boys, puberty is a gradual processit took me decadesand its not all that drastic. When the boy is done undergoing puberty, hes hairier and smellier, but still basically the same.

Female puberty is a whole different kettle of biological fish. For years my daughter was this sweet, innocent little girl who played with dolls, slept with stuffed animals and viewed me as a wise authority figure because of all the amazing things I knew how to do, such as tell time. Then one day at about 4:30 in the afternoon, Sophie went into her bathroom (which is pink) and, WHOOM, some kind of massive hormone bomb went off in there. She emerged maybe forty-five minutes later having aged, biologically, at least seven years. Suddenly she was this woman , with legs and everything, walking around. The same thing happened pretty much simultaneously to her friendsall of them were suddenly beautiful, feminine, poised, sophisticated and several linear feet taller than the boys their age.

The day the hormone bomb detonated marked the end of the era wherein my daughter viewed me as an authority. These days, pretty much the only time she turns to me for guidance is when she cant find the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. When she needs to discuss anything more importantschool, relationships, hair, clothes, makeup, hair accessories and biological matters I dont even want to think aboutshe confers with her several hundred closest girlfriends or my wife, who is also a woman. I am way out of the loop. I dont even know where the loop is .

Nevertheless, I am, legally, Sophies father, and I have certain fundamental obligations, the main one being to protect her from harm, with harm defined as men. As a lifelong male myself, I am well aware of the way we think, and I dont want anybody thinking things like that within a thousand-yard radius of my daughter.

The problem I am facing right now is boys, which, biologically, are nothing more than short men. My daughters school is infested with them. Lately they have taken to hanging around our house, darting around out there on bicycles and skateboards and trying to act as though they are not thinking about what they are thinking about, which we all know is exactly what they are thinking about.

Heres what really bothers me: Sometimes they get inside the house.

I blame my wife. If it were up to me, our house would be surrounded by giant (but humane) traps baited with some kind of bait that would be attractive to thirteen-year-old boys, such as fireworks or shorts that are even baggier than the shorts theyre already wearing. Every now and then wed hear the loud THWONK of a steel door slamming shut, indicating that a thirteen-year-old boy had come too close to the house. I would then go outside and, after a stern warning, drive the boy out to the Everglades and release him into the wild.