Jack Handey - What id say to the martians: and other veiled threats

T hings tend to even out. Religion, some people say, has caused wars and fighting. Yes, but its also boring to sit through a church service, so it evens out. One moment youre depressed because your doctor tells you that you have alcoholism. But then you cheer up when you go home and find a hidden bottle of vodka you had forgotten about.

Things are evening out all the time, if you take time to notice, like I do. Lets say you want a big cupcake, with lots of icing, so you go buy one and eat it. But then you realize, I dont have the cupcake anymore. Or maybe you take a bite of salsa thats labeled HOT , and it doesnt seem that hot, but then about a second later it seems really hot.

You might hear that some guy you know is having a party, so you call him up, but he says theres no party. But then you call back, using a different voice, and suddenly there is a party.

One day you ask people to take a look at a skin rash you have. Then a few days later youre looking at their rashes. You send someone a death threat and then, mysteriously, the police come to your house and threaten you.

Maybe you find a nice flat pebble on a riverbank, and when you pick it up and throw it, it skips across the water several times. But then the next pebble you cant even pry loose because, what is this, glue mud? You notice an ant drifting away on a leaf in the water. Then you look up to see your aunt, drifting away in a rowboat.

Eventually, I believe, everything evens out. Long ago an asteroid hit our planet and killed our dinosaurs. But in the future, maybe well go to another planet and kill their dinosaurs.

Even in the afterlife things probably even out, although I cant imagine how.

Still dont believe that things even out? Try this simple test: Flip a coin, over and over again, calling out Heads! or Tails! after each flip. Half the time people will ask you to please stop.

Once you realize that things even out, its like a light being turned on in your head, then turning off, then being turned to dim.

Probably the perfect example of things evening out happened to me just last month. I was walking to the post office to mail a death threat. It was a beautiful day. I was happily singing away in my super-loud singing voice. I didnt step on any chewing gum, like I usually do, and when I threw my gum down, it didnt stick to my fingertips. As I rounded the corner there was a bum begging for change. I was feeling pretty good, so I gave him a five-dollar bill. At first I tried to make him do a little dance for the five dollars, but he wouldnt do it, so I gave him the five dollars anyway.

Not long after that I was reading the paper, and there was a picture of the bum. He had won the Nobel Prize in Chemistry! He had a little bigger nose and straighter teeth, but Im pretty sure it was him. So, my five dollars had made him change his ways and become a chemistry guy.

A few days later I was walking by the corner again, and there was the bum, back begging. So, things had evened out. He had gotten the Nobel Prize, but now he was a bum again. I asked him for the five dollars back, but he started saying weird stuff that I guess was chemistry formulas or something.

I told my friend Don the story, but he said it wasnt an example of things evening out so much as just a stupid story. Thats interesting, Don, because you saying that evens out what I said to your mother that time.

I have a lot of stories about things evening out, but I think the one about the Nobel Prizewinning bum is the best. Id say it would take about three of my other stories to even out that one.

T hank you for stopping. You have obviously found me unconscious by the side of the road, or at a party, or possibly propped up against a wall someplace, and you have wisely reached into my pocket and found this medical advisory.

If you found other things in my pockets, kindly do not read or keep them. They are none of your business and/or do not belong to you. And remember that, even though I am unconscious now, when I wake up I will remember the things I had.

If I am wearing a tie, please loosen it. But, again, do not take it off and keep it. It is not yours, and is probably more expensive than you can afford. If I am not wearing a tie, look around at the other people who have gathered to look at me and see if one of them is wearing a tie that might belong to me. If so, please approach that individual and ask for my tie back. If he says it is his, say you do not think so. If he insists, give him one of the cards (in the same pocket where you found this note) of my attorney, and tell the person he will be hearing from him soon.