Foster - On a First Name Basis

There are two big wingback chairs with a table between them. There is a plate with a fork on it and a coffee cup and saucer on the table. There is also a music player in the room and a remote control. It is a wealthy mans study. The exit to the kitchen is stage right and the exit to DAVIDs office is stage left. As the lights come up, we see DAVID Kilbride sitting in a chair reading the newspaper.

He drops one section of the newspaper on the floor beside him. LUCY Hopperstaad enters stage right. She sets a glass of cognac on a coaster on the table. DAVID Oh. Thank you, Miss Hopperstaad. Is it seven-thirty already? LUCY Yes, sir.

Seven thirty-two. DAVID Seven thirty-two? Then youre late, arent you? He laughs. Im kidding, Miss Hopperstaad. LUCY Of course you are, sir. DAVID It was a joke. LUCY Of course it was.

DAVID You knew that, right? That it was a joke? LUCY Yes, sir. From the moment you said it was a joke. DAVID You know, I do have quite the sense of humour, Miss Hopperstaad. LUCY stares at DAVID. Whats wrong? LUCY Im waiting for the punchline to this joke, sir. DAVID You dont think I have a sense of humour? LUCY Once again, sir, waiting for the payoff.

DAVID Miss Hopperstaad, Ill have you know that in my writing circles Im known as quite the comedian. He drops another section of the newspaper onto the floor. LUCY In your writing circles? DAVID Yes. LUCY With those gentlemen who write papers on the rate of photosynthesis in gymnosperms and the benefits of potassium bisulfate as a food preservative? She picks the newspaper up off the floor and sets it on a shelf. DAVID Yes. LUCY Well, I dont doubt that you are the class clown of that group, sir.

DAVID How do you know about potassium bisulfate? LUCY It was discussed during the groups last gathering here. I was in the kitchen. DAVID And you overheard us? LUCY Overheard every word. Even with my head in the oven and the gas up full. DAVID Now, Miss Hopperstaad, those meetings arent that tedious. True, these gentlemen are from the science field for the most part, but they are all writers nonetheless, and it is beneficial for writers to assemble on occasion for the exchange of ideas.

LUCY Well, sir, I dont think theyre exchanging ideas as much as theyre sitting at the feet of someone like yourself who has actually been published. Theyre here in the hopes that some of your luck might rub off on them. DAVID Luck? Do you think its because of luck that Im published? LUCY Not entirely, Mr. Kilbride. DAVID What do mean, not entirely? He picks up his glass and drinks. LUCY I think it was a stroke of good fortune that your last novel saw the light of day, but the previous works were well-deserving of publication.

DAVID Youve read my novels? LUCY Every one. DAVID That surprises me. He sets his glass down, but not on the coaster. LUCY And why is that, sir? Because I am merely the hired help? A societal ragamuffin who would have no interest in an activity that doesnt involve someone shouting out bingo numbers to an assembled crowd of sweatpant-modelling chain-smokers? She places his glass back on the coaster. DAVID No. Its just that I write spy novels.

I wouldnt think spy novels would be to your taste. Besides, youve never mentioned to me that youve read them. LUCY Would you like a report every time I read one, sir? DAVID No, I just thought that at some point you might have mentioned in passing that you were enjoying them. LUCY doesnt answer. Reading them. LUCY Ill make a mental note of that, sir.

Employers ego needs stroking. Done. DAVID drops another section of the newspaper onto the floor. Shall I draw your bath now? DAVID You never draw my bath. I draw my own bath. LUCY Oh, thats right.

I knew there was something you did for yourself. She picks the newspaper up off the floor and sets it on a shelf. Right then. If you require nothing else of me then I shall call it a night. DAVID Wait a minute. The Brazilian Exchange. The Brazilian Exchange.

You said it wasnt deserving of publication. Why? LUCY May I speak frankly, sir? DAVID Well LUCY It was boring. It got bogged down in a lot of gratuitous detail. I would even go as far as to say that you seem to have lost your ability to make the reader want to turn the page. To set them on tenterhooks waiting to find out what happens next. DAVID Really? LUCY In my opinion, humble as that may be.

DAVID Hmm. Bogged down, huh? LUCY Like quicksand, sir. DAVID Wasnt a page-turner? LUCY It was like a funeral procession that wouldnt end. DAVID Well, thank you, Miss Hopperstaad. I appreciate your candour. LUCY Youre welcome.

DAVID I dont know if I agree with you entirely, but I certainly appreciate you speaking your mind that way. LUCY Im nothing if not forthright, sir. DAVID You are indeed. I mean, anyone else in your position might worry that such bold criticism of their employer could lead to dismissal. But not you. No, you dove headfirst into that pool of disparagement.

LUCY The threat of unemployment cannot derail the truth, Mr. Kilbride. I expect if you wanted a cheerleader as your housekeeper you would have, as they say on the street, fired my ass years ago. DAVID I expect youre right. LUCY Can I be off now, sir? DAVID Why? Do you have plans this evening? LUCY Plans? Oh yes, sir. Yes.

After seeing to your every need from sun-up to sundown I often have enough energy left over to crawl out to my car and make my way home where I will more than likely collapse on the front stoop of my hovel unable to muster enough strength to insert the weighty key into the door lock. DAVID Miss Hopperstaad, excuse me for prying, but is there something wrong? LUCY Why? Do I seem different today than any other day? DAVID No, actually, you dont. In fact, you seem more pleasant than most days. LUCY I try, sir. DAVID Miss Hopperstaad, I was kidding. LUCY Oh, I do wish you would alert me to that fact a bit sooner, sir, so that I might share in the mirth.

DAVID Seriously, you seem to have something bothering you, and as your employer I believe I should take the time out from whatever it is Im doing, no matter how important, and lend you a sympathetic ear. LUCY Youre sipping a cognac and reading the newspaper. DAVID And I am prepared to set all of that aside to hear your woes. He sets his drink on the table, but not on the coaster. LUCY Mr. Kilbride, I dont have any woes.