Ferris - Shades of blue: writers on depression, suicide, and feeling blue

SHADES OF BLUE

Copyright 2015 Amy Ferris

Seal Press

A Member of the Perseus Books Group

1700 Fourth Street

Berkeley, California 94710

sealpress.com

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without written permission from the publisher, except by reviewers who may quote brief excerpts in connection with a review.

Unraveling by Hollye Dexter was excerpted from Fire Season: My Journey from Ruin to Redemption (She Writes Press, April 2015)

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Shades of blue : writers on depression, suicide, and feeling blue / edited by Amy Ferris.

pages cm

1. Depression, Mental. 2. Mental health. I. Ferris, Amy Schor.

RC537.S4818 2015

616.8527--dc23

2015019705

ISBN: 978-1-58005-596-3

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Cover and interior design by Domini Dragoone

Printed in the United States of America

Distributed by Publishers Group West

TO KRISTA, MERRIK, AND KEN:

Two gorgeous goddesses and one sexy mensch who lifted me, held me, edited me, supported me, and gave me every bit of goodness and generosity to bring this book to life. This collection would not have been conceived or born without you.

Contents

AMY FERRIS

This is what I know this morning.

Post-coffee.

Pre-wine.

Yesterday my friend asked me, Did you ever try it? Yes, I said, yes, I tried suicide. Obviously, this was all around the news of Robin Williams and his death. Yes, I said... I was young, much younger, and so sad. I was miserable and unhappy and felt all alone in the world. I felt like nobody knew what it was like, this damp darkness. Everything was pitch black. There was no color anywhere. It was dark and lonely, and the best way I can describe how I felt at that time in my life was like being in the middle of a forest, and its eerily dark, and you dont know which way to turn so you take baby steps. Teeny steps because you dont know where you are, and you cant see anything, and you dont know how to find your way out, and you reach out for something to touch, but its not there. You fall down, and you dont know how to get up, so you start by getting up on your knees, and then slowly, very slowly, you straighten up... and start to walk through the darkness, and youre not sure youre gonna make it out, but you silently hope and wish and pray that you do. And I said to hermy friendyou know that saying, theres a light at the end of the tunnel? Well, the truth is, there is no tunnel. No tunnel in the pitch blackness. Forget about finding the light at the end... you cant even find the tunnel.

So, yes... I tried suicide. The pills, the stomach pumped. And all that follows. But I was lucky. Fortunate. Blessed, whatever you wanna call it, because at nineteen someone wanted to save me, help me, hold me. And then I became a Buddhist, and then I battled my demons and unhappiness and self-hatred every single day. Well, not every day. Some days they got the best of me and I could barely move. But I fought fiercely. And some days I won, and some days they won. And some days it was a match. And some days I wanted to die, and some days I wanted to not only live, but live with passion and find beauty in my life and find love. And then what I found out, I found out that you gotta save your own life. Because the person holding your hand, they can get really tired. They hold on so long and so tight that their arm aches. And thats when I had my epiphany, my breakfast at epiphany moment: if you really wanna save yourself, you gotta be willing to throw someone else a line, grab onto someone else and save them, help them, hold them. You gotta be willing to see another persons suffering and pain and look them in the eye and say, I know how you feel.

I. Know. How. You. Feel.

I have your back.

Im gonna hold you, and Im gonna hold you tight.

And the truth is, the balls-out truth is this: those of us who suffer from bouts of depression, who dont believe were good enough, who can barely make it out of bed some days, who struggle with self-esteem and the whole concept of self-love... when we use our own pain and suffering so that we can understand another persons heart... it doesnt eliminate our pain, or make it vanish, or go pouffffbut it does make it bigger than ourselves; it makes it worth the struggle. I look at the folks I knowsome very personally, some on the peripherywho have gone through hell and back a million times, and they use their life every day to inspire, encourage, and awaken the good and greatness in others because they know what it was like to be flat-out broken, broken into little pieces.

So, yes, I tried it.

And Im awfully glad that I didnt succeed at it.

Im glad, so very glad, that I was a failure at that attempt.

Because I get to rise up every single day and work through my life stuff, face my own demonslike all the other beautiful, imperfect, breathtaking survivors youll read in these pagesand then strut my stuff and tell each of you that you are awesome. You are magic and glitter and all thats extraordinary in the world. Because the truth is, even in our darkest moments, even in our saddest moments, even in our most broken moments, we have magic in us; we have glitter and sparkles; we are goddesses and gods, Buddhas, kings, and queens.

When I decided to take on this topicdepression, suicide, mental health issuesI thought I knew what courage was, what it looked like. I was wrong. I say that without any hesitation. I have often thought of suicide as a way out. A way out of my pain, my heartbreak, my sorrow, my mood swings, my abusive (past) relationships, my fears and crippling self-doubt. For me, truthfully, it was a second thought, impulse. The first thought being, How do I get out of here? I understand why folks take their life. I do. I understand that moment, that fierce mighty blinding moment. But I also understand why were told to count to twenty, breathe in and breathe out, put the gun down, place the pills back in the bottle, remove the scarf. Sit. Breathe. Make a call. Ask for help. Reach out. Reach out again and again. And again. Life is precious, it is precious even in the worst of times. Because even in the worst of times there is always somethinga memory, albeit, a small teeny memorythat can reel us in. Back. Home. It takes massive courage to say, Im not happy. To say and declare out loud, Please, help me, hold me. It takes huge courage to share our livesthe messy, dirty, crappy, and complicated pieces of our lives. It also takes enormous courage to keep that pain a secret. After all, we live in a world where the round yellow happy face was the single biggest seller for years and years. People love happy. A frown would have never sold. It takes massive huge courage to wear a frown. It takes guts to wear it, and own it, and say, Heres my story, maybe it can help you...

So this book is for you, all of you. The men and women, girls and boys, who alwaysalwayswear their scars like stardust.

You are amazing beyond belief.

You are.

Yes.

So go on, strut your gorgeous stuff today knowingabsolutely knowingthat you are not alone.