Vrabel - The Humiliations of Pipi McGee

This year would be different.

I was sure of it.

Welcome, students! Principal Hendricks raised her arms in a cheer from her spot on the auditorium stage. Her red power suit gleamed in the spotlight. Were so excited to have you back at Northbrook Middle School!

Next to me, my best friend Tasha pretended to puke into her backpack.

Stop it. I elbowed her. This year is going to be different.

Tasha raised her eyebrow. She had the best youre-unbelievable look aside from my mom, whose facial expressions were expert level.

I mean it, Tasha. I folded my hands on my lap and pasted a smile on my face, despite feeling Tashas stare burn into me.

You curled your hair, didnt you? Tasha asked.

My shoulder-length brownish-blond hair was naturally wavy, but only parts of it. Most of it was stick straight. So, picture chunks of straight hair with random curlicues. Normally, I deal with it, shoving it back into a ponytail and moving on with my life. But this year was going to be different. This year, Id do what Mom was always yakking aboutTake time with your appearance, Pipi. Make an effort. Id wake up fifteen minutes early every day and curl my hair so itd all be bouncy and exciting, like my brand-new, different self.

Now both of Tashas eyebrows were peaked. She pulled on one of my curls and then watched it bounce back. Every year, you start off like an innocent little lamb thinking this time, everythings going to be so new and grand. Every year, Ive got to come pry you out of the bathroom stall youre crying in by the end of September.

Thats not fair. I crossed my arms. You know perfectly well that everything that has happened to me was not my fault.

Mm-hmm.

Tasha!

Pipi!

I glanced around, holding up my hands. Thats one of the things thats going to be different this year. Im not going by Pipi anymore. Im Penelope.

Tasha closed her eyes and shook her head. This time, I guess facial features werent enough to convey her thoughts. Youre unbelievable.

Ive been Pipi McGee for four years

Yep, ever since you

Dont say it! I put my hand over Tashas mouth and she batted my arm away. Tasha crossed her own arms and stared at me. Sorry, I mumbled. But just, please. Dont say it. I mean it, this years going to be different.

Whatever. Tasha shifted in her seat and slipped earbuds into her ears. She thumbed at her audiobook app.

That again? I pointed to the picture of the book cover on the app. Havent you got the whole thing memorized?

Course, I do. Tasha grinned. But the final installmentCrow Reaper: Reaping Deathreleases next week. Just enough time to listen to the first book.

I sighed.

Tasha shook her head, her long braids rustling against each other. Uh-uh. No judgment, PiPenelope. You might be changing. Im staying the same.

I glanced at Tasha, who closed her eyes as she listened, and I knew that wasnt exactly true. While each year I somehow managed to stay right where I was on the social hierarchy of Northbrook Middle School (the bottom rung)always due to some unfortunate event that was never my faultTasha bumped up a few pegs.

That wasnt even true, really. She built her own ladder. Her ridiculously overachieving brain and athleticism put her in a league of coolness totally of her own, despite being totally obsessedto the point of dress upwith a book series about a demon-hunting boy whose brother turned into a crow. And then there was the fact that she was gorgeous, tall and athletic with dark brown skin and eyes.

Principal Hendrickss smile seemed to stretch the auditorium. As you know, this is my first year as principal of Northbrook Middle. As such, were going to kick off things a little differently.

Told you. I nudged Tasha, who just shook her head and bumped up the volume on her phone. My nose tickled, so I sat on my hands, keeping my smile firmly in place. I never touch my nose if I can help it. Its my least favorite feature. Plus, the whole first-grade thing

My smile was smacked straight off my face when Frau Jacobs, the seventh-grade Intro to Languages teacher, shuffled forward and whispered in Principal Hendrickss ear.

Remember that part in Harry Potter where the old lady was actually a snake? Like the giant snake was just living inside the old ladys skin? Im pretty sure J. K. Rowling mustve met Frau Jacobs when she thought about that snake lady.

Frau Jacobs was about five feet, two inches tall, all sweet smiles and curly brown hair. She smelled like freshly baked cookies and clasped her hands together in delight while verbally carving your soul into confetti. Even though she was probably the same age as my dad, she looked like grandma material. Which, strictly speaking, also includes my dad.