Brian David Bruns - Cruise Confidential: A Hit Below the Waterline: Where the Crew Lives, Eats, Wars, and Parties -- One Crazy Year Working

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Table of Contents

Critical Acclaim forCruise Confidential

Part Love Boat, part Mutiny on the Bounty, Cruise Confidential does for cruising what Animal House did for higher education.

J. Maarten Troost, author of The Sex Lives of Cannibals

Spray crashing, thunder blasting, bodies rolling around a heaving floor. Ship on the rocks? Nope, just a typical midnight party in the under-the-waterline world of the workers who make big cruise ships hum. The funniest travel book Ive read in years, Cruise Confidential breaks down the water-tight doors that keep passengers away from the really wild times at sea.

Peter Mandel, author of My Ocean Liner:
Across the Atlantic on the Great Ship Normandie

Cruise Confidential is a deliciously addictive read, much like The Nanny Diaries or The Devil Wears Prada. Only this book offers a blistering kiss-and-tell about the dysfunctional life working on cruise ships. Bruns is uniquely over-educated for his job, yet he seems to have a penchant for abuse and becomes the only American to survive a full contract working on the service side of the business. Weve heard stories about what its like, and weve assumed theres a good reason the only ones willing to do it are seemingly desperate citizens from the worlds poorest countries. The reality is worse than whatever you imagined, and Bruns suffers through it first hand as the ultimate insider. It began as a quest to be together with his girlfriend, but he gets roped in along the way and, as a result, we get a good look into the orgy-like crew parties, a frightening management style thats a mix of Old Testament and Mafia, and a unique view of how cruising Americans are viewed by the patient foreigners who have to pamper them day and night (many of the international staff refer to the American guests as cows since theyre easily placated, constantly grazing, and have about the same size waistline).

Doug Lansky, author of Last Trout in Venice and Signspotting

These hilarious misadventures at sea will shock and delight any buffet-ready cruise traveler.

Jen Leo, editor of Sand in My Bra and The Thong Also Rises

Travelers Tales Books

Country and Regional Guides

America, Antarctica, Australia, Brazil, Central America, China, Cuba, France, Greece, India, Ireland, Italy, Japan, Mexico, Nepal, Spain, Thailand, Tibet, Turkey; Alaska, American Southwest, Grand Canyon, Hawaii, Hong Kong, Middle East, Paris, Prague, Provence, San Francisco, South Pacific, Tuscany

Womens Travel

100 Places Every Woman Should Go, The Best Womens Travel Writing, A Womans Asia, A Womans Europe, Her Fork in the Road, A Womans Path, A Womans Passion for Travel, A Womans World, Women in the Wild, A Mothers World, Safety and Security for Women Who Travel, Gutsy Women, Gutsy Mamas, A Womans World Again

Body & Soul

Stories to Live By, The Spiritual Gifts of Travel, The Road Within, A Mile in Her Boots, Love & Romance, Food, How to Eat Around the World, The Adventure of Food, The Ultimate Journey, Pilgrimage

Special Interest

Not So Funny When It Happened, The Gift of Rivers, How to Shit Around the World, Testosterone Planet, Danger!, The Fearless Shopper, The Penny Pinchers Passport to Luxury Travel, Make Your Travel Dollars Worth a Fortune, The Gift of Birds, Family Travel, A Dogs World, Theres No Toilet Paper on the Road Less Traveled, The Gift of Travel, 365 Travel, The Thong Also Rises, Adventures in Wine, The World is a Kitchen, Sand in My Bra, Hyenas Laughed at Me and Now I Know Why, Whose Panties Are These?, More Sand in My Bra

Travel Literature

A Sense of Place, The Best Travel Writing, Marco Polo Didnt Go There, A Rotten Person Travels the Caribbean, Kite Strings of the Southern Cross, The Sword of Heaven, Storm, Take Me With You, Last Trout in Venice, The Way of the Wanderer, One Year Off, The Fire Never Dies, The Royal Road to Romance, Unbeaten Tracks in Japan, The Rivers Ran East, Coast to Coast, Trader Horn

Dedicated to my parents, Marty and Audrey, for their endless support and enthusiasm

PART I

Trainee (The Plunge)

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

OSCAR WILDE

PART II

Waiter (Promotion)

Wheres the ribald, where?

DANTE ALIGHIERI, Inferno

PART III

Assistant Maitre d (Demotion)

There is nothing so desperately monotonous as the sea, and I no longer wonder at the cruelty of pirates.

JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL

PART IV

The Legend (Destruction)

The dominant primordial beast was strong and under the fierce conditions of life it grew and grew.

JACK LONDON,
The Call of the Wild

Strange Bedfellows

THE SHOWER WAS, PERHAPS, THE MOST LUXURIOUS OF all time. The pressure was just shy of pummeling and the temperature was one grunt away from scalding. I lowered my head to let the water caress my shoulders and stared at the generous array of gifts nearby. There were tiny bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and body wash; little bars of hand soap and face soap, a courtesy disposable razor, and even a shower cap wrapped in a tight little waterproof bundle I had to steal for Mom. Steam billowed up to hide the ceiling, and my mind shared its carefree drifting.

I deserved this shower of bliss. I had been nearly manic with preparations to get here, and stressed beyond all reasonable measure by those two evil airline gods: Delay and Flightswap. But finally I had arrived in Miami and found myself exiting a taxi at the Marriott. Carnival Cruise Lines provided a surprisingly nice room for employees, and covered meals generously. They allowed $12 for lunch and an unprecedented $25 for dinner at the restaurant, called the Veranda Grill. I couldnt remember the last time I had eaten. Sometime yesterday, lunch maybe. But I was only interested in getting into my bed: it was late and tomorrow I had a 5:15 A.M. wake-up call.

Just me and my glorious shower. I listened to the whir of the fan overhead, diligently collecting steam. I became one with the cascading water swirling at my feet. I smiled at the telltale sounds of sexual ecstasy.

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