Brian David Bruns - Rumble yell : discovering Americas biggest bike ride

Praise for Brian David Bruns

Cruise Confidential is a deliciously addictive read...

- Travel Channel

I found it absolutely hysterical!

- Today Show

This man has seen it all.

- 20/20

...Ship for Brains is a fine pick, not to be missed.

- Midwest Book Review

I couldnt put it down.

- Chicago Sun-Times

This is a very funny, behind-the-scenes exploration of a cruise ship.

- Booklist

Bruns doesnt hold back...

- Thomas Cook Magazine (UK)

Copyright 2013 by Brian David Bruns. All rights reserved

Cover design by Brian David Bruns

Interior layout by Steven Urban

Produced in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any formexcept quoting brief passages in a reviewwithout permission in writing from author or publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

Bruns, Brian David

1st ed.

ISBN (print edition): 978-0-9856635-1-3

LCCN (PCN): 2013934033

1. Travel/Essay 2. CyclingHumor 3. TravelIowa

RAGBRAI is a registered trademark. Used with permission.

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to all the men and women, past and present, of the United States armed forces.

Though a proud member of the Civil War Trustpreserving the battlegrounds where our forefathers fought and diedI dont spend nearly enough time thinking about such men and women of today. I tend to focus on our innovators and entrepreneurs, our scientists, rather than the unsung heroes who preserve it all. This, despite the armed forces directly influencing my life. My father wasnt born a business professional and civic officeholder, after all, but four years of service in the Navy made it possible.

While writing this book I was reminded that my friend Aarons father was similarly catapulted to success by the military. Doc Owen gave sixteen-some years of his professional life as an Air Force doctor. There he met Aarons mother, the lovely Air Force nurse Barbaraherself a Navy brat and daughter of a highly decorated career sailor. And then, of course, theres Cheek: I still dont know what you do, never will, and dont care. I sleep better knowing youre on it.

This book is a hearty and overdue thank you.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I would like to acknowledge the tens of thousands of annual riders and supporters of RAGBRAI for being awesome.

More specifically, however, I owe a great deal to the enthusiasm and assistance of the following friends and colleagues who helped make Rumble Yell a reality. To my excellent friends Matt and Rachael, John and Barbara: I cant thank you enough for being serendipitously present in various parts of the globe right when I needed you. Stephanie and Marc, a gracious thank you for exactly the same. I also wish to thank the reading prowess and enthusiasm of Sylvia and Brian Gilbert, as well as my editor, Geoff Hoesch. Kudos also go to Ben Woodbury of Paceline Products, who graciously helped sponsor the Chamois Buttr campaign. Crotch lube all around!

Above all I thank my lovely wife Aurelia. None of this happens without your support and, perhaps more importantly, your patience. I love you!

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Rumble Strip

rumble [ruhm-buhl] strip [strip]

noun

1. One of a series of rough or slightly raised strips of pavement on a highway, intended to slow down the speed of vehicles.

2. A Department of Transportation (DOT) study notes: "It is recognized that bicyclists cannot operate on roads or shoulders of roads with rumble strips." [2003]

3. While ignoring countless protests from bicycle advocates, a Michigan county caved to the local Amish lobby demanding they remove a new $20,000 rumble strip installation. Justifying removal costs estimated at $275,000 of taxpayer money, the DOT said they were not removing the strips just to appease the Amish. The greatest safety concern [regarding rumble strips] for automobile drivers is avoiding horses jumping on the road. Cyclist safety issues were not discussed.

CHAPTER ONE

The Challenges

Why this place was chosen for 119 nuclear blasts was self-evident. Why I chose it for a bike ride was less clear. I was two hours away from the most revolting experience of my life, and I had no way of knowing it; a moment more awful than the 130 heat, more distressing than being alone in two million acres of utter waste. The nearest shadea port-a-potty steaming in the sunwas twenty miles away. Getting there required a two-hour slog over desolate mountain ridges in unrelieved sun, on a bicycle so hot its metal burned any flesh unfortunate enough to touch it. My hands smarted even through gloves. No cars had passed this spot in days, barring a solitary DNR truck at 4AM. This I knew because I was already here in this horrible place. The trucks passage left a dead jackrabbit smashed upon the scalding asphalt at mile marker 33. Ravens circled above. They wanted me to leave. I wanted to leave.

But not before the most revolting experience of my life.

Training for the worlds oldest, largest, and longest annual bike ride required some sacrifice. It was 500 miles of heat and hills and roadkill. Yet contrary to expectation, this greatest of Earths bike touring tradition was not across the Sahara Desert, Australian Outback, or even somewhere in Europe. It was through Americas heartland. I was training for RAGBRAI: Registers Annual Great Bike Ride Across Iowa. Thats right: Iowa.

I wasnt doing this for gloryone rarely associates glory with Iowanor, as seemed more likely, was this some form of self-flagellation. This was to reconnect with an old friend I hadnt seen in twenty years. Aaron was a fascinating guy. Barring a penchant for wearing kilts and a need for corrective lenses, he was the living incarnation of Indiana Jones. Any opportunity to converse with such a man was worth some effort, and to rekindle an old friendship was even better.