Danziger - Conservative Girl

Conservative Girl

PART 1

- Look, if Scalia had said that, and, nobody... you...

- I cant believe youre so dense you... Iselins a Senator and he admitted he lied...

- ... about sex, Rebecca, and we are beyond...

- All right, all right. Excuse me, Paul. I want to... I have to... this is television, Rebecca, darling, we have to go to the break!

- that. Who doesnt lie about sex? Rebecca. You...

- No, no. Maybe you...

- Hah, hah! We have to got to go the break!

- lie about it but...

- Rebecca! I promise youre first when we come back. Dont go away.

Damn the break! I hate the break.

And heres what I... I dont lie about sex. I never lie about sex. I dont lie about any... if I ever lied about ... What an ass Paul is. My opponent. He thinks hes my opponent. Hes looking at me as if he thinks he won some point, like he timed it so I got cut off before I could... by the break. I should watch the clock. Wheres the clock? We got two more breaks. Watch the clock, Rebecca.

Hes looking at me. Is that a smile? I dont lie about sex because... what he means is this - this is all show, all screeching crap... I dont have to. Still smiling. You take the side, I mean I take the side, and I argue it. But I can tell he doesnt believe it. Paul just argues for the entertainment of it. Its arguetainment. But not me. I mean it. I should lean over and bloody his nose. Thats good TV. The break will be spent with me reading something. Whats here? Something amusing. The New Republic.

Yes, some water, thanks. What he doesnt know is that I really would ... if it wasnt against the law, Id blow his brains out... right here on national television. Nobody believes me. If I had a gun ... what am I talking about? I do have a gun.

No, I wouldnt blow his brains out. I couldnt hurt a fly. Its all yip-yap. Me and my smirky liberal friend here. Four hundred dollars for half an hour of scratching and screaming at each other nationwide every Sunday morning. And for not listening to a thing the other person says. You start listening and youre lost. Four hundred miserable bucks for fifteen minutes if you take out the breaks.

My father hates this. He says you cant have this. Meaning we must debate the issues intelligently. Well, maybe then, Pop, but now not now. He says Senators didnt do things like this... not in their offices... not on the carpet in front of a video camera hidden in an attache case that cost us about a thousand.

The tape of this particular afternoon delight in Senator Iselins office is in Chicago now with Little Ernie from the Tribune, and hes making copies of it. One copy for me. And, of course, one for Senator Iselin and, of course, his lovely wife ... you wait til you see this, the senator lying on his back on the carpet, and the girl... she came to work with crotchless panties - the congressional specials. Ernie set it up. I have to see it for myself. Im not going on national television with something like that unless its irrefutable. Unless Im the one being set up? Little Ernie lies, I must remember, but hed better not lie to me. I must remember that this was his idea. Like Shakespeare said about ambitious little... he said something. When Ernie wants you to help him he walks around with his tongue out. This town is full of little pups like Ernie. Im way behind Ernie. Hes got his job here following the Illinois delegation, and doesnt that sound like fun. I sort of dont have a job.

Are we back? God knows why anyone watches this show.

Is there really a tape of this girl Ernie hired with Senator Iselin? Is there even a camera? Everybody lies about sex. Mr. Tom Flatface, our host, is squirming in his chair.

Were back.

- Were back. Our latest scandal. Now, Rebecca, I said that you could...

- What Im saying is the basic assumption - the basic assumption - that everyone lies about sex is just another manifestation of the moral rot that...

- Moral rot? Rebecca, can we not relive the nineties. Is everything...

- Could you not interrup... Were not beyond tha...

- with you people a kind of absolutism. Havent you...

- I let you talk. I dont interrupt when ...

- You dont interrupt? Hah!

- I dont interrupt

- Have you ever

- No, I dont interr

- ever heard of consensual activity between consenting adults?

- Could you not interrupt? What Im saying is that here...

- Maybe when you get to be an adult youll...

- ... you think there are no standards, and there are...

- even get to a stage of maturity where youll want...

- there are standards, one of which is...

- to engage in sex with someone and youll realize that...

- one of which is...

- its something you dont want to ask permission of the FBI...

- one of which is...

- and your police-state friends with their cameras and telescreens...

- ONE OF WHICH IS...

- OK.OK. Let her finish. Paul, let her finish and then...

- and their...

- Paul. STOP! Go ahead Rebecca...

- Thank you... What I am saying is that he lied, and when you lie to the American people you have to pay for it. This is not reliving Clinton, but this...

- Can I say something?

- man has no morals whatsoever. He has the character of...

- Can I say something?

- ...a beetle. Of an alley cat. Of something subhuman. There are...

- Are you ever going to finish? Can I...

- animals with more self-control. This is biological regression, going back...

- say something? Can I reply to what youre saying?

- to the beast, lower than a beast. To a...

- Hey, are you ever going to...

- filthy slimy thing at the bottom of the...

- shut up for minute? Can you shut up?

- sea. Why dont you shut up?

- Why dont you shut up?

- No, you shut up!

- NO, YOU shut up!

- NO! YOU SHUT UP!

And so ends another debate. I won of course.

You are going to see the tapes, you, Paul and all of you. Before the week is out. Pinned to the chair with your eyes wired open. Senator Iselin, the liberal hog, on every member of his staff for the last forty years, exercising his droit de seigneur , his jus primae, droit de cuissage or whatever the hell French thing. Of course its French.

Paul, knowing I had won, puts his hand on my shoulder. That went well, he says. I twist away. Ooh, pssst! he says. Listen, Paul-boy, I say, you want to defend this? What if everyone in the government was lying on the carpet with some bimbo on top of them? I ask him. What if? It would be Friday? he says. See, this is supposed to be funny. But when you see it in the tape what are you going to do then, laugh it off? The old man, shirt up and pants open, and whoever she is from wherever on top of him. What? Nineteen? I only thank God they were dressed. Heres your government. A Democrat, vicious old Senator Felix Iselin, rotten to the core, writhing on the floor, having sex with some woman, whooping it, and Republicans in both adjoining offices listening at the walls. And his wife taking money from the Chinese. Which is the real point. Ill agree to that. Its not the sex, its the Chinese.

Ill have dinner alone. I dont mind. Nice and quiet. The show re-runs at nine. So I can do some technique critique. Am I too... what, screecious? No, Im not. Nobody says it, but this is a show. As in show business. They want the conflict... and so on. Tom, the MC, who I could be interested in, I mean in a professional and so on way, and if he werent so, well, to be frank about it, so heavy. And so married. Normally Im not... I mean I cant start with married men. Never have. And not him.

Whats for dinner? Ill have Chinese delivered, and Ill watch Beach Volleyball. Look at these beach guys. They shave themselves, can you imagine? All over. Tom is married