K. J. Parker - The Two of Swords--Part Nineteen 19

So she went to the Single Teardrop temple, mostly because it was the first building she came to that wasnt locked and shuttered. The name derives from the colossal post-Revisionist fresco that covers the whole of the north wall. The Invincible Sun stands in glory, radiating golden light over all the nations of the earth. His face is serene, totally impassive, and in his left eye glistens a single golden tear. Over the course of a thousand years of passionate debate, opinions have divided sharply over what the tear means, the only consensus being that it must mean something. She looked at it, and decided that the artist had put it in because, without it, the composition was bland and commonplace, and the tear made it rather more interesting.

She tried to concentrate on the points at issue, but instead her mind wandered, breaking out of the confines of the problem to be resolved like goats through a newly laid hedge.

All her life, she realised, shed had faith, ever since the Lodge bought her from the berry-pickers and told her she had talents which the Great Smith considered useful. Shed believed it instinctively and absolutely, the way a drowning man catches hold of a rope. She had accepted that she belonged to the Lodge, in both senses; she was a member of it no longer alone, no longer weak and its property, to be disposed of as the Lodge saw fit, regardless of any wishes of her own. And now, after a long, gruelling campaign of fruitless victories and bloodless defeats, shed fallen in love with Oida, the man whod just lied to her, and who she knew she could never trust about anything apart from the fact that he loved her. Faith and love; she didnt really want to think about them right now; it was rather more important to worry out this business of the letter and Oidas slip of the tongue about orders. But she thought about faith and love, and realised that what they had in common was that they cant be acquired by choice. You cant decide to have faith, or be in love. You cant make yourself love or believe. Faith and love steal over you, like sleep. The more you try to go to sleep, the more you lie awake. The priests and the Lodge urge and implore you to have faith, to believe, to trust; how stupid is that? You can desperately want to believe, but the more you try, the less it happens. You can see how much better your life would be if only you could bring yourself to fall in love, but it simply cant be done. By the same token, once you have faith, once youre in love, you cant just snap your fingers and wake up; and once those fingers have snapped and you open your eyes, no power on earth will bring back sleep, faith or love, not even if the emperor were to command it; honour and riches if you comply, a horrible death if you dont. It simply cant be done.

And the Great Smith had ordered her to murder Oida, and shed done no such thing. Oida had been right about that, even if he was a liar. Shed refused a direct order from the whole of which she was a tiny part. The little finger had refused an order from the brain. That was impossible, because the finger has no will of its own, but nevertheless she hadnt done as she was told, so she no longer belonged. Could that possibly have brought about the end of the world? Unlikely, because she wasnt that important. She only had importance, relevance, meaning as a component part of the whole. But had her dysfunction thrown everything out of joint (the small part that breaks and derails the whole machine)? Highly unlikely. The war had depopulated the empire long before she made her act of rebellion. The likeliest thing was that shed broken nobody and nothing except herself. There was a degree of comfort in that, but not very much.

But if there was schism in the Lodge, and if the order shed been given was crooked and unholy she thought about that, and decided that it made no difference. The brain orders the hand to strike. The little finger refuses, the blow isnt struck, the misguided decision isnt implemented makes no odds. Thou shalt not second-guess the Lord thy God. If there was schism and treachery in the Lodge, it could only be because the Great Smith had a use for schism and treachery; which was certainly not impossible, given that He has a use for everything, even murder, even Axio and Musen. Everything, that is, apart from her, because shed been told to do a simple thing and had refused.