Monstrous Regiment

A Novel of Discworld

P olly cut off her hair in front of the mirror, feeling slightly guilty about not feeling very guilty about doing so. It was supposed to be her crowning glory, and everyone said it was beautiful, but she generally wore it in a net when she was working. Shed always told herself it was wasted on her. Yet she was careful to see that the long golden coils all landed on the small sheet spread out for the purpose.

If she would admit to any strong emotion at all at this time, it was sheer annoyance that a haircut was all she needed to pass for a young man. She didnt even need to bind up her bosom, which shed heard was the normal practice. Nature had seen to it that she had barely any problems in this area.

The effect that the scissors had waserratic, but it was no worse than other male haircuts here. Itd do.

She did feel cold on the back of her neck, but that was only partly because of the loss of her long hair. It was also because of the Stare.

The Duchess watched her from above the bed.

It was a poor woodcut, hand-colored, mostly in blue and red. It was of a plain, middle-aged woman whose sagging chin and slightly bulging eyes gave the cynical the feeling that someone had put a large fish in a dress, but the artist had managed to capture something extra in that strange, blank expression. Some pictures had eyes that followed you around the room; this one looked right through you. It was a face you found in every home. In Borogravia, you grew up with the Duchess watching you.

Polly knew her parents had one of the pictures in their room, and knew also that when her mother was alive she used to curtsy to it every night.

She reached up and turned this picture around so that it faced the wall.

A thought in her head said No. It was overruled. Shed made up her mind.

Then she dressed herself in her brothers clothes, tipped the contents of the sheet into a small bag that went into the bottom of her pack along with the spare clothes, put a note to her father on her bed, picked up the pack, and climbed out of the window. At least, Polly climbed out of the window, but it was Olivers feet that landed lightly on the ground.

Dawn was just turning the dark world into monochrome when she slipped across the inns yard.

The Duchess watched her from the inn sign, too. Her father had been a great loyalist, at least up to the death of her mother. The sign hadnt been repainted this year, and a random bird-dropping had given the Duchess a squint.

Polly checked that the recruiting sergeants cart was still in front of the bar, its bright banners now drab and heavy with last nights rain. By the look of that big fat sergeant, it would be hours before it was on the road again. She had plenty of time. He looked like a slow breakfaster.

She let herself out of the door in the back wall and headed uphill.

At the top, she turned back and looked at the waking town. Smoke was rising from a few chimneys, but since Polly was always the first to wake, and she yelled the maids out of their beds, the inn was still sleeping. She knew that the Widow Clambers had stayed overnight (it had been raining too hard for her to go home, according to Pollys father) and, personally, she hoped for his sake that shed stay every night. The town had no shortage of widows, for Nuggans sake, and Olga Clambers was a warm-hearted lady who baked like a champion. His wifes long illness and Pauls long absence had taken a lot out of her father. Polly was glad some of it was put back. The old ladies who spent their days glowering from their windows might spy and peeve and mumble, but they had been doing that for too long. No one listened anymore.

She raised her gaze. Smoke and steam were already rising from the laundry of the Girls Working School. The building hung over one end of the town like a threat, big and gray with tall, thin windows. It was always silent.

When she was small, shed been told that was where The Bad Girls went. The nature of badness was not explained, and at the age of five Polly had received the vague idea that it consisted of not going to bed when you were told. At the age of eight shed learned it was where you were lucky not to go for buying your brother a paint box.

She turned her back and set off between the trees, which were full of birdsong.

Forget you were ever Polly. Think young male, that was the thing. Fart loudly and with self-satisfaction at a job well done, walk like a puppet thatd had a couple of random strings cut, never hug anyone, and, if you meet a friend, punch them. A few years working in the bar had provided plenty of observational material. No problem about not swinging her hips, at least. Nature had been pretty sparing there, too.

And then there was the young-male walk to master. At least women swung only their hips. Young men swung everything , from the shoulders down. You have to try to occupy a lot of space, she thought. It makes you look bigger, like a tomcat fluffing his tail. Shed seen it a lot in the inn. The boys tried to walk big in self-defense against all those other big boys out there. Im bad, Im fierce, Im cool, Id like a pint of shandy and me mam wants me home by nine

Lets see, nowarms out from the body as though holding a couple of bags of flourcheck. Shoulders swaying as though she was elbowing her way through a crowdcheck. Hands slightly bunched and making rhythmical circling motions as though turning two independent handles attached to the waistcheck. Legs moving forward loosely and apelikecheck

It worked fine for a few yards until she got something wrong and the resultant muscular confusion somersaulted her into a holly bush. After that, she gave up.

The thunderstorm came back as she hurried along the trail; sometimes one would hang around the mountains for days. But at least up here the path wasnt a river of mud, and the trees still had enough leaves to give her some protection.

There was no time to wait out the weather, anyway. She had a long way to go. The recruiting party would cross at the ferry, but Polly was known to all the ferrymen by sight and the guard would want to see her permit to travel, which Oliver Perks certainly didnt have. So that meant a long diversion all the way to the troll bridge at Tbz. To the trolls, all humans looked alike and any piece of paper would do as a permit, since they didnt read. Then she could walk down through the pine forests to Pln.

The cart would have to stop there for the night, but the place was one of those nowhere villages that existed only in order to avoid the embarrassment of having large empty spaces on the map. It was just what she wanted. No one knew her in Pln. No one ever went there. It was a dump.

It was, in fact, just the place she needed. The recruiting party would stop there, and she could enlist. She was pretty certain the big fat sergeant and his greasy little corporal wouldnt notice the girl whod served them last night. She was not, as they said, conventionally beautiful. The corporal had tried to pinch her bottom, but probably out of habit, like swatting a fly, and there was not enough for a big pinch, at that.

She sat on the hill above the ferry and had a late breakfast of cold potato and sausage while she watched the cart cross over. No one was marching behind it. No lads had been recruited back in Munz this time. People had kept away. Too many young men had left over the last few years, and not enough had come back, and of the ones whod come back, sometimes not enough of each man had come back. The corporal could bang his big drum all he liked. Munz was running out of sons almost as fast as it accumulated widows.