Shelly Mazzanoble - Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Dungeons & Dragons: One Womans Quest to Turn Self-Help into Elf-Help

To Dungeons & Dragons playerspast, present, and future.

And to Bartbest adventuring buddy a girl could have.

Mothers are like dungeons. Some really stink and youll do anything to avoid them. And some are lush sanctuaries filled with gold, jewels, and butterscotch schnapps-spiked Nestl Nesquik.

Thats Judy, my mom and epic-level dungeon. Moms like Judy are few and far between, so when you find one, you should sit and relish their charms for hours. Though I suppose sitting in a dungeon is a little weird and potentially dangerousbecause no matter how lush or treasure-filled, the bottom line is that all dungeons are filled with crap you best run away from.

This, too, is true of my mother.

Oh, come on. What did you think this was? A memoir of a 1980s sitcom family? I mean, even Elyse Keaton must have had her freak-outs, despite how maternally perfect she seemed to be. Bet you anything that as soon as the last of the craft service table had been packed away, she and Mallory had those kinds of unbridled fights only mothers and daughters can have. If youre a woman who grew up with a mother or a man who grew up with a sister, you know what Im talking about. Screeching, tear-down-the-walls, full-on Animal Planet brawls. What did we fight about? Oh, I dont know. Forgetting to call when Mrs. Hopper got us to the mall safely. That time she crashed Chuck E. Cheese on Teen Night because my brother Mike told her his friend Marks sister Pams best friend Missy said she saw me smoking. (I wasnt. I didnt start smoking for at least eight months after this incident.)

If I wanted your advice, I would have asked! I shouted at least 1,483 times a day.

Fine, she said, barely raising a brow even though I was yelling at a decibel even the neighbors Australian Cattle Dog found inappropriate. But you should really stop hanging out with Kim and Lisa. Youre going to get a reputation as a pothead.

A pothead? What do you mean by that? I asked.

I hear things.

She heard lots of things, and often well before I heard them. Kim and Lisa were potheads. I thought they had allergies. So she got lucky on that one, but she didnt always know whats what. Like who was worthy of friendship, what was worthy of wearing, what shows were worthy of watching.

Mommy knows best, she always said. And when she wasnt saying it, she was showing it by sending me tiny satin embroidered pillows, coasters, even shot glasses with that saying on them.

Someday, when youre a motherGod willingyoull know what I mean.

I know having a mother who bombards her daughter with unsolicited advice isnt exactly worthy of a Dateline investigation. But still, even at twelve I wanted to be in control of my own destiny. What did Judy know about perms and two-toned jeans?

But for all her buttinsky tendencies and amateur-shrink psychologies, my friends sure loved her. Growing up, our house was the house everyone went to after school, and I couldnt have been prouder.

Not only was our kitchen always stocked with Lenders bagels and Ring Dings, but we also had a pool table and my mom wasnt afraid to use it. When the guys came over before lacrosse practice to carb up, my mom would be slathering bagels with strawberry cream cheese one minute and then staring into the eyes of my future prom date the next, commanding him to Rack em up. We knew what that meant. Down to the basement we went to watch my forty-something mom banking and cutting and putting a little English on the stripes. The guys tried to win, knowing the worst thing you could do to Judy was show a little respect for your elders and let her beat you. She didnt need anyone to let her win. She was