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Daniel Lyons - Options: The Secret Life of Steve Jobs

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Daniel Lyons Options: The Secret Life of Steve Jobs
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Options: The Secret Life of Steve Jobs: summary, description and annotation

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Welcome to the mindto the worldof Fake Steve Jobs. Fake Steve the counterintuitive management guru: Obviously we cant literally put our employees lives at risk. But we have to make them feel that way. Fake Steve the celebrity hobnobber: I like Bono. Hes the only person I know whos more self-absorbed than I am.Options is the book that had the critics howlingwith laughter:A voice for our own digital age....Mac-slappingly funny.Newsweek.comHilarious.New York TimesTheres a laugh-out-loud moment on nearly each one of the books pages.Wall Street JournalWickedly funny.San Francisco Chronicle

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Options The Secret Life of Steve Jobs - image 1Options The Secret Life of Steve Jobs - image 2
praise for oPtion $

You get the feeling Lyons planted a spycam in one of Mr. Jobss mock turtles. New York Times

Politically incorrect and breezy.... Options skewers Silicon Valley, with touches of Bonfire of the Vanities, Dilbert, and Revenge of the Nerds. San Francisco Chronicle

A romp. Los Angeles Times

A funny send-up of Apple's CEO, the go-go culture of Silicon Valley, and the cult of Mac, iPhone, and iPod.

Boston Globe

In the establishment-skewering tradition of Voltaire, Cervantes, Jonathan Swift, and Laurence Sterne.... Mac-slappingly funny.... The book is hilarious. Newsweek.com

Peppered with deft comic touches.... Even the real Steve Jobs might want to pick it up for a quick, self-enlightening way to pass some time on the Jobs Jet.

New York Times Book Review

A gleeful send-up of the real Steve Jobs set amid the recent stock options backdating scandal.... Tech industry watchers who know (or know of) the players will get a kick out of seeing them skewered. Publishers Weekly Takes to a new level Lyonss depth of understanding of all things Steve Jobs, and stretches his Steve Jobs voice to a place the blog could never go.... You'll chuckle and snort and you'll laugh at the over-the-top whimsy that IS Steve Jobs.

CNBC.coms TechCheck blog

From between the plot lines of Options bubbles a raw, honest look at Silicon Valley culture.... Fake Steve's ruthless inner monologues about those around him ring truer than most nonfic tion profiles of tech's movers and shakers. By inserting himself into Steve Jobss mythical oversize shoes, Mr. Lyons has exposed the entertaining humanity behind the machines.

Wall Street Journal

oPtion the secret life of steve jobs a parody by fake steve jobs DA - photo 3
oPtion $
the secret life of steve jobs a parody by fake steve jobs
DA CAPO PRESS A Member of the Perseus Books Group To L S P B and M B - photo 4
DA CAPO PRESS

A Member of the Perseus Books Group

To L. S., P. B. and M. B.Much love. Namaste. Peace out.

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their products are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Da Capo Press was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed in initial capital letters.

Copyright 2007 by FSJ Media LLC

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Printed in the United States of America.

Designed by Jill Shaffer Set in 11 point Sabon by Eclipse Publishing Services

Cataloging-in-Publication data for this book is available from the Library of Congress.

First Da Capo Press edition 2007 First Da Capo Press paperback edition 2008 ISBN-10 0-306-81741-1 ISBN-13 978-0-306-81741-0

Published by Da Capo Press A Member of the Perseus Books Group www.dacapopress.com

Da Capo Press books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the United States by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA 19103, or call (800) 810-4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail special.markets@perseusbooks.com.

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While some of this book is based on real events and people, much of the book, including the dialogue, thoughts, and attitudes attributed to characters, is purely fictional and invented by the author to enhance its parody value.

content s

Prologue

Part One

Trouble in Jobs Land

Part Two

Dark Night of the Steve

Part Three

Enlightenment

Epilogue

sometimes I feel like a great chef

sometimes i feel like a great chef who has devoted his entire life to monastic study of the art of cooking & gathered the finest ingredients & built the most advanced kitchen & prepared the most exquisite meal so perfect, so delicious, so extraordinary more astounding than any meal ever created yet each day i stand in my window & watch ninety-seven percent of the world walk past my restaurant into the mcdonalds across the street.

fsj

prologue

Your average frigtardprobably figures Ive got it pretty sweet. Im one of the richest people in the world, and Im hailed everywhere as the most brilliant businessman of all time. Im lean and handsome, with close-trimmed hair and a Sean Connery esque salt and pepper beard. And Im famous. Like People magazine famous. Like everywhere I go people recognize me, and they get all weird around me, and you know what? I love it. I never get tired of it. If theres one thing I cant stand its retards like Britney Spears who say they wish they werent famous. Come on. If you really feel that way, then give away all your money, turn your wigger spawn over to Child Protective Serviceswhich, lets face it, is where they ought to be anyway and move your cottage cheesy ass to a hut in Tibet. Whats that? Yeah. Thats what I thought. So shut up.

Whats even cooler is that Im not famous for being some steroid-taking action movie star or illiterate dick-grabbing rapper or moronic freak-of-nature basketball player. Im famous for being a genius, and for running the coolest consumer electronics company in the world, which I totally started in my garage, by myself, or actually with this other guy but hes out of the picture now, so who cares. Im famous because the devices I create are works of art, machines so elegantly crafted and industrially designed that they belong in a museum. My iMac computers and iLife software restore a sense of childlike wonder to peoples lives, and bestow upon their owners a sense that they are more intelligent and even, well, better than other people. I also invented the friggin iPod. Have you heard of it?

People ask me all the time what motivates me. Its not the money. Theres already way too much money, so much that I cant even remember how much there is. I never really cared about money anyway. I could wipe my butt with hundred dollar bills, thats how little I care about money. I actually did that once.

To recap: Im a handsome, famous, spiritually gifted genius; and I wipe my ass with money. No wonder people are jealous of me. I understand. Id be jealous of me, too. Yet what most people dont realize is that in many ways the life of El Jobso is not always so fantastic. I travel too much. I work too much. I sleep too little. I rarely take a day off. Ill be honest; its a hard life. Its like Bono always says when were hanging out, People think being a rock star is just nothing but sex and drugs and having fun, but its a grind, man, it really is.

But the really tough thing about being super brilliant and successful is that people get jealous, and they try to knock you down a peg. In my case the top-seeded jealous frigtard Ive ever encountered was a United States Attorney named Francis X. Doyle, a big sweaty blockhead who one day decided that he wanted to run for governor of California and who figured that the best way to launch his career would be to prosecute a high-profile celebrity CEO. Why not, right? Eliot Spitzer worked this same scam, bringing charges against dudes on Wall Street, and now hes governor of New York.

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