Daniel Lyons - Options: The Secret Life of Steve Jobs

Enlightenment

Epilogue

Your average frigtardprobably figures Ive got it pretty sweet. Im one of the richest people in the world, and Im hailed everywhere as the most brilliant businessman of all time. Im lean and handsome, with close-trimmed hair and a Sean Connery esque salt and pepper beard. And Im famous. Like People magazine famous. Like everywhere I go people recognize me, and they get all weird around me, and you know what? I love it. I never get tired of it. If theres one thing I cant stand its retards like Britney Spears who say they wish they werent famous. Come on. If you really feel that way, then give away all your money, turn your wigger spawn over to Child Protective Serviceswhich, lets face it, is where they ought to be anyway and move your cottage cheesy ass to a hut in Tibet. Whats that? Yeah. Thats what I thought. So shut up.

Whats even cooler is that Im not famous for being some steroid-taking action movie star or illiterate dick-grabbing rapper or moronic freak-of-nature basketball player. Im famous for being a genius, and for running the coolest consumer electronics company in the world, which I totally started in my garage, by myself, or actually with this other guy but hes out of the picture now, so who cares. Im famous because the devices I create are works of art, machines so elegantly crafted and industrially designed that they belong in a museum. My iMac computers and iLife software restore a sense of childlike wonder to peoples lives, and bestow upon their owners a sense that they are more intelligent and even, well, better than other people. I also invented the friggin iPod. Have you heard of it?

People ask me all the time what motivates me. Its not the money. Theres already way too much money, so much that I cant even remember how much there is. I never really cared about money anyway. I could wipe my butt with hundred dollar bills, thats how little I care about money. I actually did that once.

To recap: Im a handsome, famous, spiritually gifted genius; and I wipe my ass with money. No wonder people are jealous of me. I understand. Id be jealous of me, too. Yet what most people dont realize is that in many ways the life of El Jobso is not always so fantastic. I travel too much. I work too much. I sleep too little. I rarely take a day off. Ill be honest; its a hard life. Its like Bono always says when were hanging out, People think being a rock star is just nothing but sex and drugs and having fun, but its a grind, man, it really is.

But the really tough thing about being super brilliant and successful is that people get jealous, and they try to knock you down a peg. In my case the top-seeded jealous frigtard Ive ever encountered was a United States Attorney named Francis X. Doyle, a big sweaty blockhead who one day decided that he wanted to run for governor of California and who figured that the best way to launch his career would be to prosecute a high-profile celebrity CEO. Why not, right? Eliot Spitzer worked this same scam, bringing charges against dudes on Wall Street, and now hes governor of New York.