David Levithan - Wide Awake

Contents

To Rachel
(for her wake-up calls)

and

To Rob
(for his faith in faith)

Acknowledgments

The idea for this book came to me on a bus shortly after the election of 2004, while I was listening to Green Days American Idiot. That album and Bright Eyes Im Wide Awake, Its Morning provided the fuel for the fire, as did songs by U2, Jens Lekman, Jimmy Eat World, Le Tigre, and Dar Williams. Long live protest songs, in whatever form they take.

I would like to thank my parents, for teaching me principles. And the rest of my family and my friends, for helping to uphold them.

Mr. Sachsels lesson on Bleeding Kansas from seventh-grade American history clearly left its mark on me, so I must thank him significantly after the fact for that. More recently, the book Whats the Matter with Kansas? by Thomas Frank was a big help, as were the Kansan perspective of Beth Bryan and the eyewitness accounts of Nick Robideau.

I have to thank all of the people who have shared their stories with me about being gay and religiousthere are truly too many to name. The books first two readers, Rachel Cohn and Rob Brittain, helped me a great deal with their insight and encouragement. Billy Merrell and Nick Eliopulos deserve kudos, as always, for listening to me as I write.

Thank you to all the librarians who care. You completely inspire me, because you show how the right book at the right time can matter, and how the right person at the right time can matter.

Finally, thank you to the people at Knopf, for being so amazingly supportive. Thank you to Allison Wortche and Melissa Nelson, for rising to the occasion. And, most of all, thank you to my champion editor, Nancy Hinkel. Therell be time enough for rocking when were old. In the meantime, lets make some noise.

In the near future

PART ONE

one

I cant believe theres going to be a gay Jewish president.

As my mother said this, she looked at my father, who was still staring at the screen. They were shocked, barely comprehending.

Me?

I sat there and beamed.

two

I think it was the Jesus Freaks who were the happiest the next day at school. Most of the morning papers were saying that Steins victory wouldnt have been possible without the Jesus Revolution in the church, and I dont think Mandy or Janna or any of the other members of The God Squad wouldve argued. Mandy was wearing her JESUS IS LOVE T-shirt, while Janna had a LOVE THY NEIGHBOR button on her bag, right above the STEIN FOR PRESIDENT sticker. When they saw me walk through the door, they cheered and ran over, bouncing me into a jubilant hug. I wasnt the only gay Jew they knew, but I was the one they knew best, and we all had been volunteers on the Stein/Martinez campaign together. After the hugging was done, we stood there for a moment and looked at one another with utter astonishment. Wed done it. Even though we wouldnt be able to vote for another two years, wed helped to make this a reality. It was the most amazing feeling in the world, to know that something right had happened, and to know that it had happened not through luck or command but simply because it was right.

Some of our fellow students walked by us and smiled. Others scoffed or scowledthere were plenty of people in our school who wouldve been happy to shove our celebration into a locker and keep it there for four years.

It was only by one state, one of them grunted. Only a thousand votes in Kansas.

Yeah, but who also got the popular vote? Mandy challenged.

The guy just spat on the ground and moved on.

Did he really just spit? Janna asked. Ew.

I was looking everywhere for Jimmy. As soon as the results had been announced, Id gone to my room to call him.

Can you believe it? Id asked.

I am so so so happy, hed answered.

And I was so so so happy, too. Not only because of the election but because I had Jimmy to share it with. I had two things to believe in now, and in a way they felt related. The futurethat was it. I believed in the future, and in our future.

I love you, hed said at the end of the call, his voice bleary from the hour but sweetened by the news.

I love you, too, Id replied. Good night.

Very good night.

Now I wanted the continuation, the kiss that would seal it. The green states had triumphed, the electoral college was secure, and I was in love with a boy who was in love with me.

Somewhere Jesus is smiling, Janna said.

Praise be, Mandy chimed in.

Keisha and Mira joined us in the halls, fingers entwined. They looked beamy, too.

Not a bad day for gay Jew boys, huh? Keisha said to me.

Not a bad day for Afro-Chinese lesbians, either, I pointed out.

Keisha nodded. You know its the truth.

We had all skipped school the previous two days to get out the vote. Since most of us werent old enough to drive, we acted as dispatchers, fielding calls from Kennedy-conscious old-age-home residents and angry-enough agoraphobic liberals, making sure the ESVs came to take them to the polls. Other kids, like Jimmy, had been at the polling places themselves, getting water and food for people as they waited hours for their turn to vote.

I felt that history was happening. Not like a natural disaster or New Years Eve. No, this was human-made history, and here I was an infinitesimally small part of it. We all were.

Suddenly I felt two arms wrap around me from behind, the two palms coming to rest at the center of my chest. Two very familiar handsthe chewed-up fingernails, the dark skin a little darker at the knuckles, the wire-thin pinkie ring, the bright red watch. The bracelet with two beads on it, jade for him and agate for me. I wore one just like it.

I smiled thenthe same way I smiled every time I saw Jimmy. He made me happy like that.

Beautiful day, he said to me.

Beautiful day, I agreed, then turned in his arms to give him that this is real kiss.

The first bell rang. I still had to run to my locker before homeroom.

Everything feels a little different today, doesnt it? Jimmy asked. We kissed again, then parted. But his words echoed with me. I was too young to remember when the Supreme Court upheld the rights of gay Americans, and all the weddings started happening. But I imagined that day felt a lot like today. Id heard so many people talk about it, about what it meant to know you had the same rights as everyone else, making anything possible. I knew that this time it was just the Presidency, and that Stein was likely to become more moderate to get along with Congress, especially since wed only won by the margin of Kansas. But stilleverything did feel a little different. Yes, the kids walking the halls around me were the same kids whod been there yesterday. The books in my locker were piled just the way Id left them. Mr. Farnsworth, my homeroom teacher, waited impatiently by his door, just like he always did. But it was like someone had upped the wattage of all the lights by a dozen watts. Someone had made the air two shades easier to breathe.

I knew this feeling wouldnt last. As soon as I realized it was euphoria, I knew it wouldnt last. I couldnt even hold on to it. I could only ride within it as far as it would carry me.

The second bell rang. I sprinted into class, and Mr. Farnsworth closed the door.

I expect to see you standing today, he said to me.