Sarah Vermunt - Career rookie : a get-it-together guide for grads, students and career newbies

When you graduate from school and start your career, youre kind of like an animal thats wandered out of the forest onto a busy highway. You see your future rushing toward you, but you feel paralyzed frozen in the headlights. You know you have to pick a direction and get your ass moving, but you cant feel your legs, so you just stand there, stupefied, thinking, FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK HOLY FUCK I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?!

Youre supposed to know which direction to move in, right?

The answer is no. Youre not supposed to know which direction to move in. Youre not supposed to know what you want or how to get there.

Most of the career rookies I work with feel like epic failures because they dont know what they want. They say things like:

Why cant I just get my shit together and pick something already?

What kind of loser doesnt even know what they like?

WTF is wrong with me? Shouldnt I have this figured out by now?

Not only do they feel lost, but they feel stupid for not having it figured out ashamed of their uncertainty.

Maybe this is how you feel, too.

But you shouldnt feel ashamed of your uncertainty.

Dont get me wrong, it totally makes sense that you would feel ashamed of your uncertainty. For the past 20-odd years, youve had a team of people cheering you on, saying, Work hard and you can be anything! We live in a hyped-up, fulfillment-obsessed society that constantly screams FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!!!

But how can you follow your dreams if you dont know what they are?

Thats where the shame comes in. You think, Jesus, after all of this support and encouragement, how do I still not know what I want? So you assume the problem is you, and the self-flagellation begins.

Heres why the problem isnt you: At the same time as society has been cheerleading you to follow your dreams, it has also sternly been pointing its bony finger at you, saying, Follow the rules. Those two messages together amount to a weird kind of doublethink that essentially says, Follow your dreams! As long as they fit into this rigid set of broadly accepted rules! Its a mindfuck.

When kids are very young, theyre encouraged to dream. I want to be a ballerina when I grow up! Im going to be a baseball player! I want to make cakes! I want to be president! Im going to be a singer!

Aw, isnt that sweet, people think, saying, Good for you! Dream big, kiddo!

But at some point, the societal doublethink kicks in, and words like rules and should and practical become more important. Suddenly were forced to choose between should and want. And since the loving adults in our lives want us to be safe, they gently guide us to fall in line. This happens earlier than you might think.

The other day I was waiting to pick up a friend at the bus station. A little boy and his mother were siting in the bank of chairs behind me. As he played with his crayons, he said to his mom, Im going to be an artist when I grow up!

No, honey. Thats not a real job, his mom said.

Oh, said the kid.

You can work at a bank like Daddy! Or you can be an architect! Wouldnt that be fun?

Whats an architect?

Architects get to draw pictures of big buildings.

Oh, okay, said the kid, and he went on with his coloring. He didnt seem discouraged or upset or even like he had been paying much attention to the conversation, but the seed was planted. He was six.

Fifteen years from now, that kid could be graduating from art school or design school, but instead hell probably be graduating from business school or engineering school with a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach, thinking, Something doesnt feel right. Im not really sure if I want this. On the other hand, I dont know what I DO want.

And that feeling will be 100% legit. He doesnt know what he wants because he wasnt allowed to want it. Years of even the most gentle and loving conditioning will do that to you. In fact, most of us at one time or another have been told that were not allowed to want what we want whether it was by a parent or teacher or society at large, and whether it was said sternly or gently.

Thats how you lose touch with your desire. You push it down because its not allowed. You start following the rules and doing everything right. You adjust your expectations and dream appropriately. And then you slog it out in school for at least 15 years, and then graduate and wonder, How do I not know what I want? What is WRONG with me?

Its not you, honey. Its them.

Cautionary Tales