Laura Levine - Pampered to Death (Jaine Austen Mysteries)
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- Book:Pampered to Death (Jaine Austen Mysteries)
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- Publisher:Kensington
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- Year:2011
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When Jaines friend Lance surprises her with a trip to The Haven, a deluxe health spa on the California coast, she and her feline pal Prozac are eager to hit the road and bask in a week of pampering and pedicures. But upon their arrival, she discovers that this oasis in the hills is merely a fat farm in disguise, complete with celery-juice cocktails, humiliating weigh-ins, and a zero-tolerance position on carbs. And as she gets to know her fellow inmates, she realizes 300-calorie dinners arent the craziest thing shell be dealing with. Among her bulge-battling companions is Mallory Francis, a B-list movie star with a knack for making frenemies with everyone she meets. When shes found strangled during a seaweed wrap gone awry, Jaine is hard-pressed to think of anyone who couldnt have done it. Perhaps it was Kendra, Mallorys bitter sister-slash-personal assistant. Or maybe Clint, a macho former co-star whose dirtiest secret is in danger of being undressed in the drama queens upcoming memoir. Or was it The Havens pretty young masseuse, driven to commit a crime of passion when Mallory seduced her aerobics instructor husband Sven? With the suspects mounting faster than her hunger pangs, Jaine doesnt know whom to believe. And when her search for truth, justice, and contraband calories leads her straight to the cold-blooded killer, it seems murder may be on the menu once again...
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Table of Contents
As always, I am enormously grateful to my editor John Scognamiglio for his unwavering faith in Jaine, and to my agent Evan Marshall for his valued guidance and support. Thanks to Hiro Kimura for making Prozac such a fabulous cover girl, and to Lou Malcangi for his eye-catching dust jacket.
Special thanks to Frank Mula, man of a thousand jokes. To Maxine Skolnick, for launching DaddyOs political career. And to Joanne Fluke, who takes time out from writing her own bestselling Hannah Swenson mysteries to grace me with her insights and her browniesnot to mention a blurb to die for.
Thanks to Marshall Field and Amie Simone Norden, at the beautiful Burke Williams Spa in Santa Monica, whose seaweed wrap is sheer heaven and not the least bit fatal. To Leslee Matsushige at the Scripps Institute of Oceanography, for supplying me with fun facts about kelp. And to Mike Gargano at the Beverly Hills Country Club, for showing me how a Fat Vat works and who is in no way responsible for any errors I may have made in describing it.
To Ky and Jennifer at Bristol Farms in Westwood, two of the worlds finest (and friendliest) supermarket checkers. To Mark Baker, who was there from the beginning. And to John Fluke, product placement guru and all-around great guy.
A loving thanks to my friends and family for hanging in with me all these years. And a special shout out to all the readers whove taken the time to write me and/or show up at my book signings. Muchas, muchas gracias!
And finally, to my most loyal fan and sounding board, my husband Mark. I couldnt do it without you.
Books by Laura Levine
THIS PEN FOR HIRE
LAST WRITES
KILLER BLONDE
SHOES TO DIE FOR
THE PMS MURDER
DEATH BY PANTYHOSE
CANDY CANE MURDER
KILLING BRIDEZILLA
KILLER CRUISE
DEATH OF A TROPHY WIFE
GINGERBREAD COOKIE MURDER
PAMPERED TO DEATH
KILLER BLONDE
SHOES TO DIE FOR
THE PMS MURDER
DEATH BY PANTYHOSE
CANDY CANE MURDER
KILLING BRIDEZILLA
KILLER CRUISE
DEATH OF A TROPHY WIFE
GINGERBREAD COOKIE MURDER
PAMPERED TO DEATH
Published by Kensington Publishing Corporation
M allory Francis fans everywhere will be happy to know that Cathy (aka Lorraine Sandoval) is in jail awaiting trial for murder.
In related news, several crew members whod worked with Mallory have banded together to start the Lorraine Sandoval Defense Fund. So far, contributions have totaled more than $972,000.
Kendra decided not to press charges against Sven and Shawna for stealing Mallorys necklace, and last I heard, the Aerobics Twins were working at a Ballys in West Covina.
As for Kendra, it turns out she and Armani are getting along just fine. More than fine, now that Armanis bringing home the big bucks. Thats right. Kendra took Armani to doggie obedience school, where he was discovered by a Hollywood talent scout. One thing led to another and the little pooch is now starring as Butch, the Killer Peke in Revenge of the Lust Busters, Part II.
Kendra is acting as his personal trainer. Rumor has it shes dating Clint Masters.
More good news: Harvys salon has been discovered by the Beverly Hills fashionista set and is doing wonderfully well.
Rumor has it hes dating Clint Masters, too.
Business at The Haven has been booming ever since Olga took on Delphine as her business partner. (Trust me, some day that kid will be running IBM.) Grateful for my work in cracking the case, Olga sent me a ginormous gluten-free, low-calorie muffin gift basket. (It comes in quite handy as a doorstop.)
And finally, in the Dreams Really Do Come True Department, Kevin the cook is now a busboy at Applebees.
As for Lance, it took me a while, but I finally forgave him. Last week he took me out for a chateaubriand dinner-for-two with all the trimmings. (Lance had the poached fish.)
Prozac is happy as a clam to be back home with snacks on tap 24/7. Although sometimes in her more pensive moments, she gets this faraway look in her eyes, and I know shes thinking of The Koi that Got Away.
Well, gotta run and feed Her Highness before my date shows up. Thats right. I, Jaine Austen, charter member of the Saturday Night Pizza-for-One Club, have actually got a date.
In the Dreams Really Do Come True Department, Part II, Darryl is coming to town to see me. Ive invited him to my apartment for a home-cooked Italian dinnerCaesar salad, lasagna, and tiramisu for dessert.
It should be ready any minute now, just as soon as the delivery guy shows up.
D riving with my cat Prozac gives new meaning to the words hell on wheels. On the day my story begins, she was at her very worstcrouched in her travel carrier on the passenger seat of my car, wailing at the top of her lungs.
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
And I hadnt even put the key in the ignition.
Cant you please be quiet? I begged.
She glared up at me from her deluxe sherpa-lined carrier and erupted in a fresh batch of wails.
This screeching would go on for hours, but I could not afford to let Prozac out of her carrier, not unless I was prepared to have her pee on the upholstery and do the cha cha on the gas pedal. I have learned from bitter experienceand near-fatal accidentsnever to allow my frisky feline to roam free in a moving vehicle.
I did my best to tune her out as I started the car and focused on my destination. Believe it or not, I, Jaine Austena gal whose idea of a spa treatment is a soak in the tub with my good buddy Mr. Bubblewas headed up the California coast to The Haven, a swellegant spa for the rich and pampered.
This fabulous treat was a gift from my next door neighbor, Lance Venable. Mind you, Lance does not normally go around showering me with expensive gifts (or any gifts for that matter), but this was his way of thanking me for getting him off the hook for murder (a fascinating tale, which you can read all about in Death of a Trophy Wife, now available in paperback at all the usual places).
Not only did Lance foot the bill for an all-expenses-paid week at The Haven, hed also forked over extra bucks so Prozac could stay with me.
A gesture I sorely wished he hadnt bothered to make.
Still trying to tune out her piercing wails, I thought back to the day Lance had given me my gift.
We were sitting on his living room sofa, sipping Diet Cokes and snacking on corn chips.
I suppose youre wondering why I asked you to stop by, he said.
You got something stuck in your garbage disposal, and you want me to put my hand down to find it?
One of his favorite requests.
No, silly. I bought you a present!
He reached behind a sofa cushion and took out a beautifully wrapped gift box. Just a little something for saving my life.
You shouldnt have, Lance, I demurred. Of course I didnt mean it. If it hadnt been for me, hed be sitting in jail in a most unflattering orange jumpsuit.
Eagerly I clawed at the boxs silk ribbons, hoping for a pair of dangly earrings or maybe a bottle of fancy perfume. Ripping it open, I peeked inside.
Oh. My smile froze. A piece of paper. How nice.
Read it, he said. Its a gift certificate to The Haven!
The Haven? Wow, thats fabulous, Lance. Just terrific.
You have no idea what The Haven is, do you?
No, I confessed.
Its only one of the most exclusive spas in the country. Youre going to spend an entire week lolling in the lap of luxury, having each and every one of your clogged pores deep-cleaned.
I wasnt so sure about the pore cleaning thing, but a week of lolling sounded darn good to me.
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