Laura Levine - Killer Cruise (Jaine Austen)

Outstanding praise for Laura Levines
Jaine Austen mysteries!

KILLER CRUISE

Get ready to enjoy another wickedly witty, quick-paced and fun-filled mystery. A great addition to this mystery series!

Fresh Fiction

Once again, Levine has written a book where the laughs never stop. This is one delightful read.

Romantic Times

KILLING BRIDEZILLA

A fun rompa murder mystery filled with laughs and a surprising ending.

ReviewingTheEvidence.com

A humorous mystery.

Romantic Times

DEATH BY PANTYHOSE

FunJaines dogged sleuthing and screwball antics will entertain fans of this fizzy series.

Publishers Weekly

THE PMS MURDER

This is the perfect book for the beach, breezy, and laugh-out-loud funny.

The Kingston Observer

Jaine can really dish it out.

The New York Times Book Review

SHOES TO DIE FOR

A lively sense of humor and an ear for the absurd help Jaine overcome any number of setbacks and a host of fashion no-nos.

Kirkus Reviews

The ideal beach read.

Publishers Weekly

KILLER BLONDE

The identity of the real killer comes as a smart surprise.

Publishers Weekly

Levines series gets smarter with each book. Her dialogue is realistic yet hilarious, and her vivid characters jump off the page.

Romantic Times

LAST WRITES

Last Writes is sprightly and entertaining. I commend it to the attention of anyone wishing to be entertained.

Robert B. Parker, New York Times bestselling author

Hilarious and an absolute delight. I highly recommend this book if you want to laugh and enjoy a good read.

I Love a Mystery

THIS PEN FOR HIRE

Humor is the key ingredient in this slick debutthe story zips along to an action-filled and surprising climax. Levine delivers the goods and readers who appreciate self-deprecating humor will hope Jaine soon gets caught up in another murder.

Publishers Weekly

This will turn out to be a long serieslikely to be compared to Janet Evanovich for its humor.

I Love a Mystery

Laura Levines hilarious debut mystery, THIS PEN FOR HIRE, is a laugh a page (or two or three) as well as a crafty puzzle. Sleuth Jaine Austens amused take on life, love, sex and L.A. will delight readers. Sheer fun!

Carolyn Hart

Jaine has a sassy attitude and I look forward to her new adventures.

Deadly Pleasures

Thank you, Laura Levine. Instead of painful crunches, I can give my abs a workout just by reading your laugh-out-loud funny book.

Leslie Meier, author of Mothers Day Murder

A lot of laughs.

Star-News (Pasadena, CA)

This is classic stuff: a wisecracking L.A. gal detective who solves a heinous crime and is also concerned about her thighs and personal relationship issues. I read it happily before bedtime for a week and had vivid dreams about convertibles and palm trees and blondes.

Garrison Keillor

Books by Laura Levine

THIS PEN FOR HIRE

LAST WRITES

KILLER BLONDE

SHOES TO DIE FOR

THE PMS MURDER

DEATH BY PANTYHOSE

KILLING BRIDEZILLA

CANDY CANE MURDER

KILLER CRUISE

DEATH OF A TROPHY WIFE

Published by Kensington Publishing Corporation

A Jaine Austen Mystery

Killer Cruise

Laura Levine

KENSINGTON BOOKS

www.kensingtonbooks.com

For Ben, who first suggested it,
and Mark, who convinced me to take this cruise.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Many thanks, as always, to my editor John Scognamiglio for his ongoing faith in Jaine, and to my agent Evan Marshall for his valued guidance and support. Thanks to Hiro Kimura whose covers never fail to delight me. And to Joanne Fluke, who takes time out from writing her own bestselling Hannah Swensen mysteries to share her insights and her brownies. Thanks to Mark Baker, who was there from the beginning. And to Rocky Stickel of Scuba House and Ann Zeller, for filling me in on the facts about scuba diving (any mistakes are mine, not theirs).

Thanks to my friends and family for always being there for me. And to the wonderful readers whove taken the time to write me. Your e-mails truly brighten my day. Finally, a loving thanks to my most loyal fan and ardent supporter, my husband Mark.

Contents

Chapter 1

T he good news about my cruise is, I didnt get seasick. The bad news is, I almost got hacked to death by a raving loony. But, hey. Lifes funny that way. My life, that is. Just when I think things are going smoothly someone comes along and tries to eviscerate me.

But lets rewind to the day it all began, shall we?

My neighbor Lance was stretched out on my bed, watching me as I raced around tossing clothes into a suitcase.

I still cant believe youre going on a cruise by yourself, he said, shaking his blond curls in disbelief.

Yes, its true. I, Jaine Austen, a woman whose idea of a Mexican vacation is a two-for-one Burrito Day at Taco Bell, was about to head off on my first cruise to Mexico. Or, as we cognoscenti say, Me-hi-co! And the best thing was, it was absolutely free!

Id answered an ad in the L.A. Times from a cruise company looking for lecturers, and much to my surprise and delight, theyd hired me. All I had to do was teach a few lessons on Writing Your Life Story, and the generous folks at Holiday Cruise Lines were picking up my tab.

But, Jaine, Lance pointed out, the average age on these cruises is dead. How do you expect to meet anybody?

Im not going on the cruise to meet anybody. Im going for the adventure, the scenery, the Latin culture.

Oh, who was I kidding? I was going for the twenty-four-hour buffet. Imagine! Dessert on tap any time day or night. Talk about heaven.

Gaack! You cant possibly be taking that, Lance said, pointing to a perfectly serviceable Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs T-shirt. Theyll make you walk the plank in that thing.

This happens to be a collectors item, I sniffed.

A garbage collectors, he sniffed right back.

Some people just dont appreciate kitsch.

Im sorry I cant take you to the pier like I was supposed to, he said, grimacing at a pair of my elastic-waist shorts, but Ive got to be at work in a half hour.

Thats okay. Its not your fault Im running so late, I said, eyeing my cat, Prozac, who was perched atop my dresser. A certain someone took a tinkle on my open suitcase this morning. Which meant I had to run out and buy a new suitcase and do an emergency load of laundry, which slowed me down a good hour or three.

Prozac glared down at me through slitted eyes that seemed to say:

Youre lucky it was just a tinkle.

Poor thing is upset that youre going away, Lance tsked.

Upset? Thats putting it mildly. Think King Kong with hairballs. I dont see why youre making such a fuss, Pro. After all, Grandma and Grandpa are flying in all the way from Florida to take care of you.

Her tail twitched the way it always does when shes on the warpath.

Your parents are not my grandma and grandpa. And if your mother tries to put a bow in my hair like she did the last time, I wont be held responsible for the consequences.

Hey, Id better get going, Lance said, springing up from my bed, or Ill be late for work. Which reminds me, were having a sale on Jimmy Choo. Want me to pick up a pair for you?

Lance, who is gainfully employed as a shoe salesman at Neiman Marcus, can never seem to remember that the only thing I can afford from Jimmy Choo is his box.

No, thanks. I smiled wanly.

Well, good-bye then, he said, taking me in his arms for a farewell hug. Have fun on the poop deck, whatever the heck that is.

After Lance left to fondle rich ladies feet at Neimans, I finished packing, all the while dreaming of seven days lolling in a deck chair and soaking up the sun. When I was done, I turned to Prozac, who was still glaring at me from her perch atop my dresser.