Laura Levine - Killing Bridezilla (Jaine Austen Mysteries)

Outstanding praise for Laura LevinesJaine Austen mysteries!

KILLING BRIDEZILLA

A fun romp... a murder mystery filled with laughs and a surprising ending.

ReviewingTheEvidence.com

A humorous mystery.

Romantic Times

DEATH BY PANTYHOSE

Fun... Jaines dogged sleuthing and screwball antics will entertain fans of this fizzy series.

Publishers Weekly

THE PMS MURDER

This is a perfect book for the beach, breezy, and laugh-out-loud funny.

The Kingston Observer

Jaine can really dish it out.

The New York Times Book ReviewSHOES TO DIE FOR

A lively sense of humor and an ear for the absurd help Jaine overcome any number of setbacks and a host of fashion no-nos.

Kirkus Reviews

The ideal beach read.

Publishers Weekly

Please turn the page for more outstanding praisefor Laura Levine!

KILLER BLONDE

The identity of the real killer comes as a smart surprise.

Publishers Weekly

Levines series gets smarter with each book. Her dialogue is realistic yet hilarious, and her vivid characters jump off the page.

Romantic Times

LAST WRITES

Last Writes is sprightly and entertaining. I commend it to the attention of anyone wishing to be entertained.

Robert B. Parker, New York Times bestselling author

Hilarious and an absolute delight. I highly recommend this book if you want to laugh and enjoy a good read.

I Love a Mystery

The wisecracks and puns again fly fast and thick.

Publishers Weekly

THIS PEN FOR HIRE

Humor is the key ingredient in this slick debut...

the story zips along to an action-filled and surprising climax. Levine delivers the goods and readers who appreciate self-deprecating humor will hope Jaine soon gets caught up in another murder.

Publishers Weekly

This book is laugh out loud funny. Laura Levine skewers the L.A. scene with wit and panache. A real winner!

Laurien Berenson, author of Doggie Day Care Murder

This will turn out to be a long series... likely to be compared to Janet Evanovich for its humor.

I Love a Mystery

Laura Levines hilarious debut mystery, THIS PEN

FOR HIRE, is a laugh a page (or two or three) as well as a crafty puzzle. Sleuth Jaine Austens amused take on life, love, sex and L.A. will delight readers.

Sheer fun!

Carolyn Hart, author of the Death on Demand and Henrie O mysteries

Jaine has a sassy attitude and I look forward to her new adventures.

Deadly Pleasures

Thank you, Laura Levine. Instead of painful crunches, I can give my abs a workout just by reading your laugh-out-loud funny book.

Leslie Meier, author of Mothers Day Murder

A lot of laughs.

Star-News (Pasadena)

This is classic stuff: a wisecracking L.A. gal detec

tive who solves a heinous crime and is also concerned about her thighs and personal relation

ship issues. I read it happily before bedtime for a week and had vivid dreams about convertibles and palm trees and blondes.

Garrison Keillor

Books by Laura Levine

THIS PEN FOR HIRE

LAST WRITES

KILLER BLONDE

SHOES TO DIE FOR

THE PMS MURDER

DEATH BY PANTYHOSE

CANDY CANE MURDER

KILLING BRIDEZILLA

KILLER CRUISE

Published by Kensington Publshing Corporation A Jaine Austen Mystery

Killing Bridezilla

Laura Levine

KENSINGTON BOOKS

www.kensingtonbooks.com

For Mark

Acknowledgments

Many thanks, as always, to my editor John Scognamiglio for his unwavering faith in me and Jaine, and to my agent Evan Marshall for his valued guidance and support. Thanks also to Hiro Kimura, whose nifty covers never fail to bring a smile to my face. And to Joanne Fluke, who takes time out from writing her own bestselling Hannah Swensen mysteries to share her insights and her brownies. To Mark Baker, for being there from the beginning. And to R. T. Jordan, because he is a good friend, and because I want to plug his Polly Pepper mysteries.

A special thanks to the wonderful readers whove taken the time to write me. And to my friends and family for putting up with me while Im wrangling with a plot. Finally, a loving thanks to my most loyal fan and ardent supporter, my husband Mark.

Chapter 1

Some people look back on their high school days fondly, lost in happy memories of pep rallies and senior proms. And then there are the other 98% of us. For us, high school was hell with acne, a blistering nook of inferno Dante neglected to mention, where we first discovered that life isnt fair and blondes really do have more fun.

Which is why I cringed when I first got that call from Patti Marshall. In the Dante-esque world of high school, Patti was Satans ringmaster.

But Im getting ahead of myself. Let me back up and set the scene.

Id just come home from the vet, where Id taken my cat Prozac for her annual checkup.

Youll be happy to learn Prozac was in perfect health. The vet, however, required several stitches and a trip to the emergency room.

How could you attack poor Dr. Graham like that? I scolded as I let her out of her cage.

I warned her to stay away from my privates.

I still cant believe you bit her in the arm.

Me neither. I was aiming for her face.

I poured myself a wee tankard of Chardonnay 2

Laura Levine

to recuperate and was reaching for a restorative dose of Oreos when the phone rang.

Too wiped out to answer, I let the machine get it.

Jaine, its Patti Marshall.

I froze in my tracks. Patti had been the queen bee of my alma mater, Hermosa High, a social despot who ruled her subjects with a fine-tuned cruelty and a flawless complexion.

Her voice drifted from the machine, the same nasal whine that had delivered so many devastating zingers in the girls locker room.

I heard youre a writer now. Give me a call, okay? I think I may have some work for you.

My palms turned clammy. Patti represented everything Id loathed about high school. I could just picture her sitting at her throne at the Popular Table in the cafeteria, eyeing the Unpopulars with undisguised disdain and leading her Bitches in Waiting in a chorus of derisive giggles.

I wouldve liked nothing more than to zap her message to oblivion. But shed said the magic wordworka commodity Im chronically short of.

I turned to Prozac who was sprawled out on the sofa, licking her prized privates.

What do you think, Pro? Shes a world-class rat, but I really need the money. What should I do?

She looked up at me with big green eyes that seemed to say, Its always about you, isnt it? Whatabout me? When do I eat?

Which goes a long way toward explaining why mans best friend has never been the cat.

Oh, well. I really needed the dough, so I took a bracing gulp of Chardonnay and forced myself to give Patti a call.

KILLING BRIDEZILLA

Hi, Jaine! she trilled when she came on the line. Howve you been?

Somewhat stunned by the friendly lilt to her voice, I mumbled, Um. Fine.

Listen, Ive got great news. Im getting married.

Congratulations.

I didnt envy the poor guy headed down that aisle.

Anyhow, I need somebody to write my wedding vows. I heard youre a writer now, and I thought itd be great to work with an old friend.

An old friend? The woman was clearly smoking something illegal.

So what have you written? Anything Ive heard of?