Table of Contents
For Shawn,
inventor of the note code,
however far away
part one
april-may
If you believe in coincidence,
then you arent paying attention.
David Life
The pleasure of what we enjoy
is lost by wanting more.
fortune cookie
I never meant for it to happen like this. But if I had the chance, theres no way I would take it all back.
Why are you always checking your horoscope? Blake accuses.
Why arent you? I say. Checking my weekly horoscope every Monday is an essential part of my life. Its like, took a shower, check. Went to school, check. Did homework, partial check (depending on the length of work involved and difficulty level). Today is Monday, so read horoscope, definite check.
He goes, Um, I dont know, maybe because its bogus?
I gasp. The gasp is half joking and half serious. Take that back!
No.
Take it back!
Not until you prove that horoscopes arent a totally bogus waste of time.
Like thatll be difficult. I grab my laptop, which is sliding off the pillow. When Im online, I like to sit on my bed. But when Im doing homework, I sit at my desk. My bed is a relaxation-only zone.
Go ahead, then, Blake challenges.
Fine, I will. Im on the best website for weekly horoscopes. I dont know how this astrologer does it, but shes scarily accurate every single week. She just knows. True, Ive only been checking the site since school started, and its April. So thats like... thirty horoscopes. Which I think is enough to know that my horoscope is something I can trust. It helps me feel prepared for whatever happens next. Sort of.
Im not a fan of the Unknown. The Unknown can change your entire life in an instant. The Unknown can take everything away from you and never give it back. Your life can end in a flash before you even have time to know its over.
There is no safe. There is no control.
I scroll down the page, searching. Oh! Here. I scroll down some more. Mars and the creative Uranus synergistically merge their energies on the ninth, exposing you to an exciting world of possibilities. Mars, the ruler of ambition, is turning your life around and will be pushing you over new thresholds and into new situations. If you continue to cling to your comfortable routine, you could miss out on new people, interesting ideas, and... yeah.
And yeah what? Blake says.
And just... whatever, the rest didnt go.
Aha!
That is so not the point. Everything else totally goes!
So then why doesnt the last part go?
Because its about professional possibilities. Its for people with jobs.
See? You dont have a job.
Because Im in school!
Exactly!
What, like Im the only Taurus whos sixteen? Were all different ages!
Uh-huh.
What about the rest of it? How do you explain how perfect all that other stuff is?
Riiight. Because new opportunities are only happening to you.
Thats not... forget it. Its not just about what my horoscope says. Its about astrology in general. I definitely believe that whatever sign you are determines your inherent personality traits. I totally fit the description of a Taurus: loves nature, seeks comfort and pleasure, connects with the Earth, into serenity, stubborn, passionate, and nurturing. Its a quality sign.
Aw. Blake sits on my bed. Dont get all offended.
Im not, I say. But I am. Im sensitive about people blowing off the things I believe in like theyre nothing. Like Im this freak whos confusing fantasy with reality.
People who dont get astrology are always like, Why do you even care what your horoscope says? Why dont you just live your life? The thing is, if you know what to look out for, you can be ready for anything. Well, maybe not anything, but you can be ready for things you wouldnt normally be ready for if you didnt know about them. It helps me deal with the Unknown.
Blake scrunches up next to me. Hes like, What does mine say?
There are a few people in my life I can always count on. Blake is one of them. Weve been friends for two years and weve never had a fight. The only person Im closer to than Blake is Erin. Shes been my best friend for a long time. Erins a Leo, which means her temper can be a problem. Shes also fearless and self-confident, which sometimes makes me jealous. I wouldnt call myself an introvert, but I wish I were as outgoing as Erin. Id give anything to know what it feels like to be fearless.
Blake is awesome. Hes so funny. And super reliable. Hes never let me down, not even once. Plus, hes really cute. But not in a way where Im attracted to him. Well, maybe I would be if he werent gay.
No one else knows. If Blake were any farther back in the closet, hed have random Boy Scout camping equipment and shirts he outgrew in middle school piled on top of him. Blakes dad would kill him if knew he was gay. For real. So Blakes not coming out until college, when he says his real life will start. He spends a lot of time on school stuff so his transcript will open doors to wherever he wants to go. Hes always talking about how amazing college will bewhen he can be his true self, without worrying about impending death by deranged parent.
Things might be different if his mom were still here, but she married some other guy when Blake was thirteen. Then she moved to California. At first, she called Blake all the time. Now Blake only hears from her on his birthday.
Everyone assumes Blake is straight. He likes blending in. Its just easier that way. Besides me, he only hangs out with a couple other friends. Kids at school see us together all the time. I even heard a rumor that we were going out. Blake considers this a compliment because he insists that Im a hot babe. Whenever he calls me that, I laugh so hard. I dont think Im hot at all. Unless you consider short and skinny to be hot. I wish I were taller with more curves, like Erin. My hazel-blue eyes hardly make me more attractive. Neither does my straight, black hair, even though its long. I wear it with bangs to cover the scar on my forehead. Trust me. Theres nothing sexy about a ripped-up face.
I totally think Blake would be out if it werent for his dad. Its not that Blake wants to hide who he is. He doesnt even care that much what other kids think. He just doesnt want to deal with his dad finding out. The fights they have are seriously scary. Blakes dad never hits him or anything (which might change if he knew), but Ive heard his dad yell. Some of the things hes said probably hurt worse than anything physical ever could.
Blake trusted me with the truth last summer when we were spending all this time together. It was obvious that something major was going on with him. I swore that I wouldnt tell anyone. Erin doesnt even know.
I click on Capricorn so we can read Blakes horoscope.
There! I yell. What does the second paragraph say?
Yeah, yeah...
That wasnt a rhetorical question.
Youre very demanding today.
You love it. Now read.
Blake reads. Hiding behind your protective layer is wearing you down. With the moon in dramatic Leo, youre inspired to launch a personal crusade to support your future ambitions. Keep your eye on the prize and continue handling unrewarding arrangements with calm determination. When the dust settles, you will prevail in a domestic or personal transaction.
