Christopher Moore - You Suck: A Love Story

Y ou bitch, you killed me! You suck!

Tommy had just awakened for the first time as a vampire. He was nineteen, thin, and had spent his entire life between states of amazement and confusion.

I wanted us to be together. Jody: pale, pretty, long red hair hanging in her face, cute swoop of a nose in search of a lost spray of freckles, a big lipstick-smeared grin. Shed only been undead herself for a couple of months, and was still learning to be spooky.

Yeah, thats why you spent the night with him . Tommy pointed across the loft to the life-sized bronze statue of a man in a tattered suit. Inside the bronze shell was the ancient vampire who had turned Jody. Another bronze of Jody stood next to him. When the two of them had gone out at sunrise, into the sleep of the dead, Tommy had taken them to the sculptors who lived on the ground floor of his building and had the vampires bronzed. Hed thought it would give him time to think of what to do, and keep Jody from running off with the old vampire. Tommys mistake had been drilling ear holes in Jodys sculpture so she could hear him. Somehow, during the night, before the bronzing, the old vampire had taught her to turn to mist, and shed streamed out of the ear holes into the room, andwellhere they were: dead, in love, and angry.

I needed to know about what I am, Tommy. Who else was going to tell me if not him?

Yeah, but you should have asked me before you did this, Tommy said. You shouldnt just kill a guy without asking. Its inconsiderate. Tommy was from Indiana, and his mother had raised him to have good manners and to be considerate of other peoples feelings.

You had sex with me while I was unconscious, Jody said.

Thats not the same, Tommy said. I was just being friendly, like when you put a quarter in someone elses parking meter when they arent thereyou know they appreciate it later, even if they dont thank you personally.

Yeah, wait until you go out in your jammies and wake up all sticky in a cheerleader outfit and see how grateful you are. You know, Tommy, when Im out, technically, Im dead. Guess what that makes you?

Welluhyeah, but youre not even human. Youre just some foul dead thing. Tommy immediately regretted saying it. It was hurtful and mean, and although Jody was, indeed, dead, he didnt find her foul at allin fact, he was pretty sure he was in love with her, he was just a little embarrassed about the whole necrophilia/cheerleader thing. Back in the Midwest people didnt mention that sort of thing unless a dog dug up a pom-pom in some guys backyard and the police eventually discovered the whole human pyramid buried under the swing set.

Jody sniffled, completely for effect. Actually she was relieved that Tommy was now on the defensive. Well, welcome to the Foul, Dead Thing Club, Mr. Flood.

Yeah, you drank my blood, Tommy said. A lot.

Damn, she should have pretended to cry. You let me.

Again, being considerate, Tommy said. He stood up and shrugged.

You just let me because of the sex.

Thats not true, it was because you needed me. He was lying, it was because of the sex.

Yes, I did, Jody said. I still do. She held her arms out to him. I really do.

He walked into her arms and held her. She felt amazing to him, even more amazing than she had before. It was as if his nerves had been dialed up to eleven. Okay, it was because of the sex.

Great, she thought, in control once again . She kissed his neck. How do you feel about it now?

Maybe in a minute, Im starving. He let go of her and stormed across the loft to the kitchen, where he pulled a burrito out of the freezer, threw it into the microwave, and hit the button, all in one smooth motion.

You dont want to eat that, Jody said.

Nonsense, it smells great. Its like every little bean and pork piece is sending out its own delicious miasma of flavor vapor. Tommy used words like miasma because he wanted to be a writer. Thats why hed come to San Francisco in the first placeto take life in big bites and write about it. Oh, and to find a girlfriend.

Put the burrito down, and back away, Tommy, Jody said. I dont want you to get hurt.

Ha, thats cute. He took a big bite and grinned at her as he chewed.

F ive minutes later, because she felt responsible, Jody was helping him clean bits of masticated burrito off the kitchen wall and the front of the refrigerator. Its like every bean was storming the gates of repressive digestion to escape.

Yeah, well, being refried will do that to you, Jody said, stroking his hair. You okay?

Im starving. I need to eat.

Not so much eat, Jody said.

Oh my God! Its the hunger. I feel like my insides are caving in on themselves. You should have told me about this.

She knew how he feltactually, she had felt worse when it happened to her. At least he knew what was happening to him. Yeah, sweetie, were going to have to make a few adjustments.

Well, what do I do? What did you do?

I mostly fed off of you, remember?

You should have thought this through before you killed me. Im fucked.

Were fucked. Together. Like Romeo and Juliet, only we get to be in a sequel. Very literary, Tommy.

Oh, thats a comfort. I cant believe you just killed me like that.

And turned you into a superbeing, thank you very much.

Oh, crap, theres burrito spooge all over my new sneakers.

You can see in the dark, now, Jody said cheerfully. Wanna try it? Ill get naked. You can look at me in the dark. Naked. Youll like it.

Jody, Im starving over here.

She couldnt believe that he didnt respond to the naked persuasion. What kind of monster had she created? Okay, Ill find you a bug or something.

A bug?! A bug!? Im not eating a bug.

I said thered have to be some adjustments.

Tommy had been dealing with more than a few adjustments since hed come west from his hometown of Incontinence, Indiananot the least of which had been finding a girlfriend, who, while smart, sexy, and quick-witted, drank his blood and tended to fall unconscious at the exact moment of sunrise. Hed always suspected that she might have just picked him because he worked nights and could walk around during the day, especially since shed once said, I need someone who works nights and can walk around during the day, but now that he was a vampire, he could close the door on that insecurity and open another onto a whole new world of insecurities hed never even considered before. The appropriate age for a vampire is four hundred years oldhe should be a world-weary and sophisticated creature, his human anxieties long since overcome or evolved into macabre perversions. The problem with a nineteen-year-old vampire is that he drags all of his adolescent insecurities into the dark with him.

Im really pale, Tommy said, staring at himself in the bathroom mirror. Theyd figured out early on that vampires do, indeed, cast a reflection in a mirror, just like they could tolerate proximity to crucifixes and garlic. (Tommy had run experiments on Jody while she slept, including many involving cheerleader outfits and personal lubricants.) And not just winter in Indiana pale. Im, like, pale like you.

Yeah, said Jody, I thought you liked the pale.

Sure, it looks good on you, but I look ill.

Keep looking, Jody said. She was leaning against the door frame, dressed in tight black jeans and a half shirt, her hair tied back and streaming down her back like a flaccid red comet tail. She was trying not to appear too amused.