Christopher Moore - Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christs Childhood Pal

If you have come to these pages for laughter, may you find it.

If you are here to be offended, may your ire rise and your blood boil.

If you seek an adventure, may this story sing you away to blissful escape.

If you need to test or confirm your beliefs, may you reach comfortable conclusions.

All books reveal perfection, by what they are or what they are not.

May you find that which you seek, in these pages or outside them.

May you find perfection, and know it by name.

The angel was cleaning out his closets when the call

The Boy

You think you know how this story is going to

The angel wants me to convey more of Joshuas grace.

The angel will tell me nothing of what happened to

Yet another reason that I loathe the heavenly scum with

Well, it worked, I finally got the angel to leave

When we got back to Nazareth we expected to find

And the angel said, What prophet has this written? For

Ive managed to sneak into the bathroom long enough to

Change

I should have had a plan before I tried to

The angel and I had been watching a movie about

Since my escape attempt, I cant get the angel to

Well, by pretending to have an overactive bladder, Ive managed

I could kick that punks punk ass, the angel said, jumping

Meanwhile, back at the hotel room, Raziel has given up

Joshua and Balthasar rode into Kabul at a time of

Compassion

We were twelve days into our journey, following Balthasars meticulously

Ive settled into some sort of droning routine here at

I have been out among you, eating and talking and

Another day spent wandering the city with the angel, another

Spirit

The road was just wide enough for the two of

You make a very attractive woman, Rumi said from the

Tamil, as it turned out, was not a small town

Lamb

We rode Vana north toward the Silk Road, skirting the

Ive finally finished reading these stories by Matthew, Mark, Luke,

Philip, who was called the new guy, asked that we

You can travel the whole world, but there are always

The angel and I watched Star Wars for the second

Joshuas ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times

When it was all finished, Simon looked great, better than

Passion

Joshuas mother and his brother James found us outside of

On Monday Joshua led us through the Golden Gate into

We all slept that night in the upper room of

At first light Maggie and I were pounding on Josephs

It was Simon and Andrew who stormed up the steps

Eleven apostles, Maggie, Joshuas mother, and his brother James gathered

The angel took the book from him, then went out

The angel was cleaning out his closets when the call came. Halos and moonbeams were sorted into piles according to brightness, satchels of wrath and scabbards of lightning hung on hooks waiting to be dusted. A wineskin of glory had leaked in the corner and the angel blotted it with a wad of fabric. Each time he turned the cloth a muted chorus rang from the closet, as if hed clamped the lid down on a pickle jar full of Hallelujah Chorus.

Raziel, what in heavens name are you doing?

The archangel Stephan was standing over him, brandishing a scroll like a rolled-up magazine over a piddling puppy.

Orders? the angel asked.

Dirt-side.

I was just there.

Two millennia ago.

Really? Raziel checked his watch, then tapped the crystal. Are you sure?

What do you think? Stephan held out the scroll so Raziel could see the Burning Bush seal.

When do I leave? I was almost finished here.

Now. Pack the gift of tongues and some minor miracles. No weapons, its not a wrath job. Youll be undercover. Very low profile, but important. Its all in the orders. Stephan handed him the scroll.

Why me?

I asked that too.

And?

I was reminded why angels are cast out.

Whoa! That big?

Stephan coughed, clearly an affectation, since angels didnt breathe. Im not sure Im supposed to know, but the rumor is that its a new book.

Youre kidding. A sequel? Revelations 2, just when you thought it was safe to sin?

Its a Gospel.

A Gospel, after all this time? Who?

Levi who is called Biff.

Raziel dropped his rag and stood. This has to be a mistake.

It comes directly from the Son.

Theres a reason Biff isnt mentioned in the other books, you know? Hes a total

Dont say it.

But hes such an asshole.

You talk like that and you wonder why you get dirt-duty.

Why now, after so long, the four Gospels have been fine so far, and why him?

Because its some kind of anniversary in dirt-dweller time of the Sons birth, and he feels its time the whole story is told.

Raziel hung his head. Id better pack.

Gift of tongues, Stephan reminded.

Of course, so I can take crap in a thousand languages.

Go get the good news, Raziel. Bring me back some chocolate.

Chocolate?

Its a dirt-dweller snack. Youll like it. Satan invented it.

Devils food?

You can only eat so much white cake, my friend.

Midnight. The angel stood on a barren hillside on the outskirts of the holy city of Jerusalem. He raised his arms aloft and a dry wind whipped his white robe around him.

Arise, Levi who is called Biff.

A whirlwind formed before him, pulling dust from the hillside into a column that took the shape of a man.

Arise, Biff. Your time has come.

The wind whipped into a fury and the angel pulled the sleeve of his robe across his face.

Arise, Biff, and walk again among the living.

The whirlwind began to subside, leaving the man-shaped column of dust standing on the hillside. In a moment, the hillside was calm again. The angel pulled a gold vessel from his satchel and poured it over the column. The dust washed away, leaving a muddy, naked man sputtering in the starlight.

Welcome back to the living, the angel said.

The man blinked, then held his hand before his eyes as if he expected to see through it.

Im alive, he said in a language he had never heard before.

Yes, the angel said.

What are these sounds, these words?

You have been given the gift of tongues.

Ive always had the gift of tongues, ask any girl Ive known. What are these words?

Languages. Youve been given the gift of languages, as were all the apostles.

Then the kingdom has come.

Yes.

How long?

Two thousand years ago.

You worthless bag of dog shit, said Levi who was called Biff, as he punched the angel in the mouth. Youre late.

The angel picked himself up and gingerly touched his lip. Nice talk to a messenger of the Lord.

Its a gift, Biff said.

God is a comedian playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh.

VOLTAIRE

You think you know how this story is going to end, but you dont. Trust me, I was there. I know.

The first time I saw the man who would save the world he was sitting near the central well in Nazareth with a lizard hanging out of his mouth. Just the tail end and the hind legs were visible on the outside; the head and forelegs were halfway down the hatch. He was six, like me, and his beard had not come in fully, so he didnt look much like the pictures youve seen of him. His eyes were like dark honey, and they smiled at me out of a mop of blue-black curls that framed his face. There was a light older than Moses in those eyes.