Christopher Moore - Island of the Sequined Love Nun

Tucker Case awoke to find himself hanging from a breadfruit

Most jets (especially those unburdened by the weight of passengers

As with most things in his life, Tucker Case was

A low buzz of anticipation ran through the halls of

The High Priestess of the Shark People ate Chee-tos and

At the last minute Mary Jean changed her mind about

I cant believe you hit him, Tucker said. He was

Once on the plane, Tucker unfolded the letter from the

The pilot said, The local time is 9:00 A.M. The

Jefferson Pardee dialed the island communications center and asked them

The Shark men had been beating drums and marching with

Tuck was sweating through a slow-motion dream rerun of the

Tucks first thought of the new morning was Ive got

Yap was cleaner than Truk and hotter, if that was

Out on the edge of the world, with no place

The High Priestess sat on the lanai watching the sunset

Tuck was amazed by what the human body could achieve

The island was little more than a coral cupcake with

At first light the coconut palm that had saved them

The storm had been easy on the Shark People. A

Watching the sharks circle the boat, Tuck felt as if

The octopus jetted across the bottom, over a giant head

The Sky Priestess first appeared in 1944 on the nose

Vincent Bennidetti was sitting at an oversized table dealing five-card

Tucker Case heard the beating of wings above his head

Kimi had freed his hands and feet with the knife

Sepie washed the pilots hair in a bowl with pounded

Tucker Case rolled through a fever dream where he was

How are you feeling today? Sebastian Curtis pulled the sheet

Kimi sat under a coconut palm outside of the bachelors house

Sarapul twisted the last of the fibers into his rope

The guards came for Tucker at sunset, just as he

Natives slept side by side, crisscrossed, and piled on the

Jefferson Pardee was trying desperately not to look like a

Jefferson Pardee sat on a metal office chair in the

The Lear 45 was a working corporate issue, the seats

The itching started a week after the first flight. It

Tucker Case spent the next week watching the compound, trying

The Sky Priestess rolled over in bed and slapped the

Tuck spooled up the jets as he watched the guards

Privacy is a rare commodity on a small island and

Just before dawn, Tuck crawled through the bottom of the

Oh, come in, Mr. Case. Sebastian is out on the

Back at his bungalow, an argument went on in the

Tucker Case dreamed of machine-gun fire and jerked as the

Tucks other partner showed up at his bungalow that evening

The Shark men were breaking into their second jug of

Back at the drinking circle, Malink opened a copy of

Tuck slept through most of the day, then woke up

He was sleeping, dreaming of flying, but not in a

The Sorcerer paced back and forth across the lanai. I

Tuck twisted the guts out of the stick pen and

When the pounding came at his door just after dawn

The Sky Priestess threw the straw hat across the room

Tuck went into the bathroom and washed his face, then

Kimi was trying to call up thunder and was having

The Sorcerer stood on the beach over the supine body

Theyre flying the new pilot in tomorrow, said Sebastian Curtis.

They had missed Guam and Saipan (passing at night) and

Mary Jean sat behind a desk fashioned entirely of rose

Tuck stood at the arrival gate amid a group of

Malink found the old cannibal in a small clearing in

The Sky Priestess was drunk. She and the Sorcerer had

Beth and Sebastian Curtis were cleaning the operating room and

Malink joined Tuck on the flight deck and tried to

Mary Jean brought the pink Gulfstream in right on the

The Sky Priestess awoke with a terrible pain in her

Due to the influence of Mary Jean Dobbins, who opened

Tucker Case awoke to find himself hanging from a breadfruit tree by a coconut fiber rope. He was suspended facedown about six feet above the sand in some sort of harness, his hands and feet tied together in front of him. He lifted his head and strained to look around. He could see a white sand beach fringed with coconut palms, a coconut husk fire, a palm frond hut, a path of white coral gravel that led into a jungle. Completing the panorama was the grinning brown face of an ancient native.

The native reached up with a clawlike hand and pinched Tuckers cheek.

Tucker screamed.

Yum, the native said.

Who are you? Tucker asked. Where am I? Wheres the navigator?

The native just grinned. His eyes were yellow, his hair a wild tangle of curl and bird feathers, and his teeth were black and had been filed to points. He looked like a potbellied skeleton upholstered in distressed leather. Puckered pink scars decorated his skin; a series of small scars on his chest described the shape of a shark. His only clothing was a loincloth woven from some sort of plant fiber. Tucked in the waist cord was a vicious-looking bush knife. The native patted Tuckers cheek with an ashy callused palm, then turned and walked away, leaving him hanging.

Wait! Tucker shouted. Let me down. I have money. I can pay you.

The native ambled down the path without looking back. Tucker struggled against the harness, but only managed to put himself into a slow spin. As he turned, he caught sight of the navigator, hanging unconscious a few feet away.

Hey, you alive?

The navigator didnt stir, but Tucker could see that he was breathing. Hey, Kimi, wake up! Still no reaction.

He strained against the rope around his wrists, but the bonds only seemed to tighten. After a few minutes, he gave up, exhausted. He rested and looked around for something to give this bizarre scene some meaning. Why had the native hung them in a tree?

He caught movement in his peripheral vision and turned to see a large brown crab struggling at the end of a string tied to a nearby branch. There was his answer: They were hung in the tree, like the crab, to keep them fresh until they were ready to be eaten.

Tucker shuddered, imagining the natives black teeth closing on his shin. He tried to focus on a way to escape before the native returned, but his mind kept diving into a sea of regrets and second guesses, looking for the exact place where the world had turned on him and put him in the cannibal tree.

Like most of the big missteps he had taken in his life, it had started in a bar.

The Seattle Airport Holiday Inn lounge was all hunter green, brass rails, and oak veneer. Remove the bar and it looked like Macys mens department. It was one in the morning and the bartender, a stout, middle-aged Hispanic woman, was polishing glasses and waiting for her last three customers to leave so she could go home. At the end of a bar a young woman in a short skirt and too much makeup sat alone. Tucker Case sat next to a businessman several stools down.

Lemmings, the businessman said.

Lemmings? asked Tucker.

They were drunk. The businessman was heavy, in his late fifties, and wore a charcoal gray suit. Broken veins glowed on his nose and cheeks.

Most people are lemmings, the businessman continued. Thats why they fail. They behave like suicidal rodents.

But youre a higher level of rodent? Tucker Case said with a smart-ass grin. He was thirty, just under six foot, with neatly trimmed blond hair and blue eyes. He wore navy slacks, sneakers, and a white shirt with blue-and-gold epaulets. His captains hat sat on the bar next to a gin and tonic. He was more interested in the girl at the end of the bar than in the businessmans conversation, but he didnt know how to move without being obvious.