Eddy - BIFF: quick responses to high-conflict people, their personal attacks, hostile email and social media meltdowns

I used Bill Eddy to deal with a very difficult personnel situation. I implemented his advice. Instead of pursuing endless, frustrating conflict and confrontation, I adopted an entirely different approach, with excellent results. Bill gave me a pathway when I thought all roads were blocked.

Dan Solin, author of the Smartest series of books

By their very nature, some people are as difficult to understand as they are to work with or live with. Drawing on years of experience with some of the most challenging personalities, Bill Eddy offers the reader simple, practical, tools to effectively defuse any high-conflict situation. Biff is a must-read.

George Simon, Ph.D., bestselling author of In Sheeps Clothing, Character Disturbance, and The Judas Syndrome

Bill Eddy is a master creator of simple-to-use tools for managing and de-escalating high conflict behaviors in the workplace. I recommend to each of my professional clients to Bookmark or Favorite the High Conflict Institute website as a useful go to resource for everyday insights and to order the books, Its All Your Fault and BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People. Bill writes with compassion to bring greater ease to a variety of complex and difficult workplace relationships which often consume time, productivity and resources unless managed effectively. With the many practical examples, case scenarios and practice exercises, Bills books are an invaluable resource to highlight, reference regularly and share with colleagues to keep workplace dynamics in check while establishing healthier, engaging and productive systems within the organizational culture.

Marcia Haber, President and CEO Discover Conflict Solutions, Inc.

Sometimes the most powerful interventions are the most simple.

The most difficult skill for post-separated families to master, in my opinion, is effective communication. Typically, emotional baggage and unhelpful patterns that often were a prominent factor in the relationship breakdown, continue to undermine co-parenting long after the divouce dust has settled.

Interestingly, these same people are able to manage effective, polite and succinct communication and negotiations with others; just not their ex! Teaching them the B.I.F.F. principals (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) allows them to create distance between the issues at hand and the problems of the past.

B.I.F.F. is an effective communications micro-skill that can be easily taught to all clients ranging from the extreme High Conflict Personalities (HCPs) to highly functioning individuals.

Maria Buglar, Psychologist, Brisbane, Australia

Publishers Note: This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information about the subject matters covered. It is sold with the understanding that neither the author nor publisher are rendering legal, mental health, medical or other professional services, either directly or indirectly. If expert assistance, legal services or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Neither the authors nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising as a consequence of your use or application of any information or suggestions in this book.

This second edition published in 2014 was first published in 2011.

Copyright 2011 by Bill Eddy

Unhooked Books, LLC

7701 E. Indian School Rd., Ste. F

Scottsdale, AZ 85251

www.unhookedbooks.com

Cover design by Gordan Blazevik

Book Interior design by KarrieRoss.com

Edited by Anne Terashima

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without the express written permission of the publisher. Failure to comply with these terms may expose you to legal action and damages for copyright infringement. Names and identifying information of individuals have been changed to preserve anonymity.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Eddy, William A.

BIFF : Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns / Bill Eddy. -- [Second edition].

pages cm

ISBN 978-1-936268-72-6 (paperback) -- ISBN 978-1-936268-79-5 (ebook) 1. Conflict management. 2. Interpersonal conflict. 3. Social media I. Title.

HM1126.E33 2014

303.69--dc23

2014014444

Printed in the United States of America.

ALSO BY BILL EDDY

Its All Your Fault at Work! Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict People

So, Whats Your Proposal? Shifting High-Conflict People from Blaming to Problem-Solving in 30 Seconds

New Ways for Work: Personal Skills for Productive Relationships

Coaching Manual

Workbook

Its All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything

High Conflict People in Legal Disputes

Managing High Conflict People in Court

New Ways for Mediation: More Skills, More Structure and Less Stress

Seminar & Demonstration (DVD)

Dont Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The Future of Family Court: Structure, Skills and Less Stress

New Ways for Families in Separation and Divorce

Professional Guidebook

Parent Workbook

Collaborative Parent Workbook

Decision Skills Class Instructors Manual

Decision Skills Class Workbook

Pre-Mediation Coaching Manual

Pre-Mediation Coaching Workbook

Splitting America: How Politicians, Super PACs and the News Mirror High Conflict Divorce

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I THANK MY WIFE, ALICE, for her continuing tolerance of my writing obsession and her willingness to give me clinical and editorial feedback. I thank Megan Hunter for all of her work in editing and managing the publication of this book, as well as her work in developing High Conflict Institute. I am appreciative of my ongoing writing collaborations with Randi Kreger, publishing advice from Scott Edelstein, and editing from Anne Terashima, which have helped in the creation of this book. The following gave me very useful and timely feedback on this book from varied perspectives: Dennis Doyle, Mariel Diaz and Austin Manghan. Many other people, including many clients and colleagues, have contributed their ideas, their experience and their encouragement to me and High Conflict Institute, but they are too many to be adequately named here you know who you are.

CONTENTS

CHAPTER ONE

High-Conflict People and Blamespeak

Has anyone ever told you:

Its all YOUR fault!

You should be ashamed of yourself!

Youre a disgrace to your _________________!

[family][community][country][team][profession][party] [you fill in the blank]

Whats the matter with you? Are you crazy? Stupid? Immoral? Unethical? Evil?

And then were you told everything thats wrong with you and how you should behave?

Its Not About You!

Lets face it. Most of us have said something like this when we lost it hopefully not too often. But some people communicate this way a lot! Its helpful to know that their personal attacks are not about you. They are about the blamers inability to control himself and solve problems.

When people repeatedly use personal attacks, I think of them as high-conflict people (HCPs), because they lack skills for dealing well with conflict. Instead of sharing responsibility for solving problems, they repeatedly lose it and