Bill Eddy - Splitting America: How Politicians, Super PACs and the News Media Mirror High Conflict Divorce

Splitting America

Copyright 2012 William A. Eddy and Donald T. Saposnek

Published by High Conflict Institute Press
7701 E. Indian School Rd., Ste. F
Scottsdale, AZ 85251 USA
www.hcipress.com

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized, in any manner or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without prior written permission in writing from the publisher.

Excerpt in Chapter 1 reprinted from Ahrons, C. (2004). Were Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents Divorce. New York: HarperCollins Publishers. Copyright 2004 by Constance Ahrons. Reprinted by permission of the author and the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

Excerpt in Chapter 8 reprinted from Polarity Management by Barry Johnson, copyright 1992, 1996. Reprinted by permission of the publisher, HRD Press, Amherst, MA, (800) 822-2801, www.hrdpress.com.

First printing: August 2012

HCI Press also publishes books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books. For more information on HCI Press products, visit our website at www.hcipress.com

ISBN-13: 978-1-936268-53-5

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012946298

Printed in the United States of America

Cover design by Elle Phillips Design

There are many men of principles in both parties in America, but there is no party of principle

- Alexis de Toqueville

Adam@Home (c) 2006 Universal Uclick. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

S omething nasty is happening in America. Have you noticed the trend? Theres more bullying, more incivility, more disrespect and even more relationship violence between us at home, at work, in our communities and in the news. And, it seems to be increasing rather than decreasing.

We have noticed a pattern to this behavior that is all too familiar. It includes:

Personal Attacks (calling the other person crazy, stupid, immoral or evil).

Crisis Emotions (which trigger fear and hatred of each other).

All-or-Nothing Solutions (which call for the elimination or exclusion of the other).

Narcissistic Behavior (acting superior and not caring about anyone else).

Negative Advocates (constantly recruiting others to join in this hostility).

We are well-acquainted with this pattern in high-conflict divorces, and its not good. This behavior is called high-conflict because it increases the conflict, rather than reducing or resolving it. Worst of all, its contagious it spreads when people are exposed to it, like a virus.

This behavior results in a state of mind called splitting the psychological term for truly believing that certain people are absolutely all-bad and others are absolutely all-good, with no gray areas in between (Millon, 1996). This might not seem like a serious problem, except for the fact that the spread of splitting leads people to stop speaking to each other, to hate each other and, sometimes, to be violent with each other. It also distracts us from solving real problems. We are now concerned that this behavior is spreading into politics at all levels.

Recently, political leaders in both parties appear to be adopting and escalating high-conflict behavior, and perhaps, even leading it. Millionaires and billionaires are funding expensive ads as key elements in high-conflict election campaigns. And, the news promotes high-conflict behavior in every broadcast to children as well as to adults by relentlessly showing, and thereby teaching, the most dramatic bad behavior of the day.

We believe that the politicians, donors to Super PACs and the news media dont seem to realize how destructive and self-destructive this escalation of high-conflict behavior can be. We would like to warn them and the rest of the nation about the dead-end nature of this unrestrained behavior that knows no limits.

We have seen splitting destroy too many families, and we dont want to see it destroy the American family. We want to avoid a Democrat-Republican high-conflict divorce. In approaching these problems, its not about pointing fingers and deciding who is more at fault. Its about everyone taking responsibility for his or her own behavior, and managing collaborative relationships, even when we disagree.

We are a psychologist and a family law attorney, each who has worked with divorcing families for over 30 years. And, we both are family mediators we meet with divorcing couples and help them calm down and work together for the sake of their children and their own futures.

We are not politicians or political scientists, but we have learned ways of calming high-conflict families and helping them work together peacefully, for the sake of the children and their parents future lives.

At a recent conference on high-conflict divorce, we discussed how much the dynamics of the current elections mirror high-conflict divorce. The closer we looked, the more similar these dynamics appeared. In fact, to both of us, the parallels are striking, and the solutions may be too.

We thought it would be worth a try to analyze this and come up with some suggestions for how to change the destructive direction in which we seem to be headed. This book is our small effort to calm this conflict.

Reports from The Wall Street Journal (Thernstrom, 2003) and from family court judges (Brownstone, 2009) indicate that high-conflict divorce is on the rise. But, some of the most powerful reports come from children who grew up in high-conflict divorce situations and who are now adults. Constance Ahrons (2004) interviewed over one hundred children during the divorce, and 20 years later. The following are typical comments reported:

Travis, fourteen and the middle child of three, lived with his mother weekdays and spent several weekends a month with his father.

Its the old thing they were playing the kids against each other. You would hear a story from one and then get another story from the other, and you would never know for sure who is closer to the truth than the other. Now, as an adult I have learned to take everything with a grain of salt, and see where it is planted here and there.

His younger sister also felt caught in the cross fire:

It made me really mad. I would have to try to keep my mouth shut to not upset the other. I had to really watch what I said when I was with either one of them, because - for example, if I would mention my father while I was with my mother, that would really set her off.

Unfortunately this resulted in her distancing herself from both parents. I dont remember ever having this feeling like, oh, I cant wait to see my dad or mom now. I really miss them! Instead, it was always a relief to get away from the other (p. 80).

Did you notice how the children were turned off to both parents, because of their high-conflict behavior? But of course, politicians wouldnt act this way, would they?