Table of Contents
Publishers Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information about the subject matters covered. It is sold with the understanding that neither the authors nor publisher are rendering legal, mental health or other professional services, either directly or indirectly. If expert assistance, legal services or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Neither the authors nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising as a consequence of your use or application of any information or suggestions in this book.
Copyright 2021 by Bill Eddy, Megan Hunter
All rights reserved
Printed in the United States of America
First Edition
For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to .
Cover design by Julian Len, The Missive
Interior Design by Jeffrey Fuller, Shelfish
ISBN (print): 978-1950057122
ISBN (ebook): 978-1950057160
Library of Congress Control Number: 2021932787
No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without the express written permission of the publisher. Failure to comply with these terms may expose you to legal action and damages for copyright infringement. Names and identifying information of private individuals have been changed to preserve anonymity.
Unhooked Media, 7701 E. Indian School Rd., Ste. F, Scottsdale, AZ 85251 www.unhookedmedia.com
Also by Bill Eddy
Its All Your Fault at Work! Managing Narcissists and other High-Conflict People
Hiring Radar
Calming Upset People with EAR
5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks and Social Media Meltdowns
BIFF for Co-Parent Communication
Mediating High Conflict Disputes
Why We Elect Narcissists & Sociopathsand How We Can Stop
Dating Radar
So, Whats Your Proposal
Its All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
Dont Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Managing High Conflict People in Court
The Future of Family Court
Splitting America
New Ways for Families in Separation and Divorce:
Professional Guidebook
Parent Workbook
Collaborative Parent Workbook
Decision Skills Class Instructors Manual & Workbook
Pre-Mediation Coaching Manual & Workbook
Online Course Coaching Manual
New Ways for Work Coaching Manual & Workbook
New Ways for Life Instructor Guide & Youth Journal
Also by Megan Hunter
Hiring Radar
Dating Radar
The Psychology of Notorious Church Killers
The High-Conflict Co-Parenting Survival Guide
Bait & Switch
To all of our clients and colleagues who
do their best to stay reasonable in the
face of hostility and misinformation.
Bill
To anyone who has felt the sting upon
reading that one awful email.
Megan
Contents
Introduction
We are excited that you are going to be using BIFF! This is a highly effective and simple method of calming hostile and misinformed conversations in writing, and sometimes in person. Todays workplace is filled with opportunities for anger and misunderstanding to take over, whether from customers, employees, manager, or owners. BIFF gives you a brief way to manage such situations without spending much time and emotional energy at all. In addition, you dont make things worse and you get to feel good about yourself afterward.
BIFF is one of the first techniques that we developed when the two of us starting collaborating in 2007 and co-founded High Conflict Institute in 2008. Bill came into this as a family lawyer with a background as a family therapist, so he knew how badly we needed a method for calming upset families, especially in high conflict divorces. Megan was in policy, legislation and judicial training for the Arizona Supreme Court Administrative Offices of the Courts while earning her MBA.
We met when Megan needed a trainer for family court judges on managing high conflict cases and quite accidentally discovered Bill through a mediation newsletter article. Inviting Bill to train the judges on dealing with people who have high conflict personalities in divorce cases proved successful with the majority of judges remarking about their light bulb moments. Next, Megan invited Bill back to Arizona to provide high conflict training to psychologists involved in family court cases. Expecting around 30-35 attendees, the doors were closed at 200. Again, light bulbs. At that point Megan realized that everyone in the field needed this training and suggested we work together. Thus, the High Conflict Institute was born.
Not surprisingly, our work grew quickly and spread into other segments of society. As it turns out, the people with high conflict divorce cases also create conflict and chaos in their place of work. Our work rapidly grew and continues growing in helping businesses and organizations of all sizes understand and manage high conflict situations and high conflict personalities. With Megan as CEO and Bill as CINO, and a dozen trainers and staff, we are going strong with a worldwide presence. The need for our methods is greater than ever.
Since 2008, we estimate that we have taught at least half a million people the BIFF method, counting BIFF books sold and trainings we have given to workplace professionals and others. We constantly get feedback that those we have trained have taught this method to at least one other person. That means that at least a million people know the BIFF methodso far.
The more people who use it, the easier it is to manage difficult issues without escalating into blamespeak or worse. In fact, its used so much now that people have turned it from an adjective (a BIFF communication) into a noun (send him a BIFF) and a verb (you better BIFF her before she gets more upset). And its so easy that you will be BIFFing by the time you finish this book. But you will soon discover that it takes practice. BIFF communications are harder than they look at first, but then they get easier and easier as you learn to unhook from the emotion.
In a nutshell, using BIFF in the workplace increases productivity. Instead of spending way too much time perseverating over emails and letters, time can be devoted to the work. Imagine the time saved when everyone in the company uses BIFF consistently in all messaging platforms.
We have written this book in four parts. The first section explains the method. The second section tells how to use it with those external to your work, such as customers and professional clients. The third section gets into workplace issues including those between co-workers, colleagues, employees and managers. Whole organizations have been trained in BIFF and it has benefitted them throughout the workplace as well as in their personal lives. The fourth section explains our BIFF coaching method, so that you can get assistance with your draft BIFF communications, as well as coaching your colleagues with their own BIFFs.
