Diane A. Ross - The Elephant in the Office: Super-Simple Strategies for Difficult Conversations at Work

The Elephant in the Office

Super-Simple Strategies for Difficult Conversations at Work

By Diane A. Ross

To Mom, for your love, your encouragement, and forshowing me the way with your entrepreneurial spirit. You and Dad always believedin me and for this I am forever grateful.

Table of Contents

The use by you of this book (the Book) is subject tocertain understandings and the terms and conditions set forth below. By usingthe Book, you acknowledge that you have read and accept such understandings andsuch terms and conditions.

Diane A. Ross and Elephant Conversations Ltd. (the"Authors") have prepared the contents of the Book for informationalpurposes only, which is not intended to constitute advertising, invite anattorney-client relationship or serve as a source for legal advice. Since nolegal advice is provided through the Book, you should not rely upon anyinformation contained herein for any purpose without seeking legal advice froma duly licensed lawyer competent to practice law in your jurisdiction.

The Authors make no warranties or representations of anykind whatsoever concerning any information made available on or through theBook. The content of the Book is provided only as general information. TheAuthors disclaim all liability with respect to actions taken or not taken basedupon such information or with respect to any errors or omissions in suchinformation. More specifically, The Authors shall not be liable for any direct,indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages of any kindwhatsoever and howsoever caused.

The stories shared in this Book come from the Author's ownlife as well as the accounts of others that have been shared with the Authors.Certain stories are fictional and for illustrative purposes only. In order toprotect confidentiality, most of the stories and accounts have modified and thenames of those involved or affected have been changed.

Lets get onething straight now: this book isnt about becoming a communicationsexpert. It is not about negotiating world peace or becoming an inspirationalcommunicator the likes of Gandhi or Mandela (although that would be admirableand if you do, feel free to give me the credit!). It is not about beingperfect, tactful or even nice.

This book is about learning the essentials of havingsuccess in those workplace conversations you dread: from having to tell someonetheir body odor is overpowering to talking to someone about their disrespectfulbehavior. It is about learning some fundamental tools that will allow you tomanage tough conversations when you are in the hot seat and things arestarting to go south. It is about giving you the confidence to handle whateveris thrown your way.

We have all had those conversations that ultimately giveus such a resounding and unexpected slap in the face that they set our headsspinning... you know, those I cannot believeyou just said that to me! or What flippin planet are you on anyway?conversations that ended so badly you either fled and licked your wounds orfought so hard your angry vein pulsated menacingly through your forehead.Lets not even mention those conversations where the only consolation was ajumbo-sized bottle of wine (any kind will do!). Now there is no end in sightfor the cold war that has resulted.

Whenever you have one of those nightmare conversations,you may find yourself left saying, I should have known better, or Never willI go there again. Well, I am here to tell you that it is actually pretty darn important to gothere, because if you dont step up to the plate and tackle theseconversations, things simply cannot ever get better. Unfortunately, you aredreaming if you secretly hope your stinky employee will get trapped in aperfume factory, your difficult boss will move to Australia or your snottycoworker will be hit by a bus. It is kind of like having a financial plan basedon winning the lottery - nice to think about but overall kinda, well, stupid.

It has been my experience that the most difficult peoplein our lives never leave; we have to either deal with them eventually orcontinue on in stony silence and abject misery until we develop ulcers andless-than-sunny dispositions. If we dont have these tough conversations,inevitably productivity suffers, morale plummets, relationships sour andcomplaining becomes a regular pastime, further entrenching people in the ugly,unhappy problems they just dont know how to solve.

In my workshops, I frequently use lighthearted examplessuch as how to tell someone that they have B.O. or bad breath. More often thannot, somebody pulls me aside at the end of the day and asks me if I hadsecretly been asked to cover that topic specifically because everyone knowsthat Joe or Cindy or whoever it might be that day has that very problem.Everybody knows, of course, except the person in question. Now that would behumiliating! I think most of us would just want the straight goods, even ifit is embarrassing.

My friends, until you try, you dont know what youcant do.

- Henry James

I wish I could say that there is a secret formula toprevent the other person from being upset, embarrassed or disappointed when weengage in these types of conversations; however, I have not discovered thatmagic formula yet (but if you do, call me because we need to talk booksequel!). What I have learned is thatthere are some simple tools we can use to get ready for these conversations.How we prepare, craft and deliver our messages and how we manage reactions canmake these challenging conversations go a whole lot more smoothly. I have alsolearned that the more you practice using the communication tools I am going toshare with you, the easier it becomes. These conversations may even start tofeel natural.

What has been meaningful and even life changing for me andfor many of those that I work with are the simplified tools I use for havingsuccessful conversations. This book is my spin on what I have learned and whathas worked for me. When I started my journey, I found the material and researchon difficult conversations daunting to say the least. I started to ask myself,Am I ever going to be able to remember all of this stuff? Can I really dothis? Is it possible I am the wrong personality type or that I require somekind of intensive psychotherapy if I want to communicate effectively? Ofcourse, youve already figured that these were just excuses. I did think aboutgiving up, but I didnt because as I tested out some of the tools andstrategies, I discovered they actually work. That progress gave me themotivation to keep plugging away at it.

In this book, I will share with you what I have learned. Ihave simplified the tools and highlighted some of the essentials so that youdont need to be a rocket scientist to have a tough conversation and besuccessful at it. Improving your communication skills is doable and, if you hangin there, you will see results. I dont want this to be like some fad diet thatsounds great in theory but when you try to stick to it you feel like youresuddenly starring in Mission Impossible(sort of like the diet a girlfriend of mine attempted in high school: She wassupposed to eat only grapefruit for six weeks. Not surprisingly, after a fewdays Im pretty sure she was ready to pass out. She had to quit. But Idigress...).

The prescription in this book is not a fad diet. Think ofit as a lifestyle change in which you learn to have the confidence to say whatyou really want to say and actually get the results you want. It is aboutmaking small modifications and changes and seeing big differences over time.