Flagg - Surviving dreaded conversations: how to talk through any difficult situation at work

Copyright 2010 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

ISBN: 978-0-07-163249-2
MHID: 0-07-163249-2

The material in this eBook also appears in the print version of this title: ISBN: 978-0-07-163025-2, MHID: 0-07-163025-2

All trademarks are trademarks of their respective owners. Rather than put a trademark symbol after every occurrence of a trademarked name, we use names in an editorial fashion only, and to the benefit of the trademark owner, with no intention of infringement of the trademark. Where such designations appear in this book, they have been printed with initial caps

McGraw-Hill eBooks are available at special quantity discounts to use as premiums and sales promotions, or for use in corporate training programs. To contact a representative please e-mail us at bulksales@mcgraw-hill.com.

TERMS OF USE

This is a copyrighted work and The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. (McGraw-Hill) and its licensors reserve all rights in and to the work. Use of this work is subject to these terms. Except as permitted under the Copyright Act of 1976 and the right to store and retrieve one copy of the work, you may not decompile, disassemble, reverse engineer, reproduce, modify, create derivative works based upon, transmit, distribute, disseminate, sell, publish or sublicense the work or any part of it without McGraw-Hills prior consent. You may use the work for your own noncommercial and personal use; any other use of the work is strictly prohibited. Your right to use the work may be terminated if you fail to comply with these terms.

THE WORK IS PROVIDED AS IS. McGRAW-HILL AND ITS LICENSORS MAKE NO GUARANTEES OR WARRANTIES AS TO THE ACCURACY, ADEQUACY OR COMPLETENESS OF OR RESULTS TO BE OBTAINED FROM USING THE WORK, INCLUDING ANY INFORMATION THAT CAN BE ACCESSED THROUGH THE WORK VIA HYPERLINK OR OTHERWISE, AND EXPRESSLY DISCLAIM ANY WARRANTY, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. McGraw-Hill and its licensors do not warrant or guarantee that the functions contained in the work will meet your requirements or that its operation will be uninterrupted or error free. Neither McGraw-Hill nor its licensors shall be liable to you or anyone else for any inaccuracy, error or omission, regardless of cause, in the work or for any damages resulting therefrom. McGraw-Hill has no responsibility for the content of any information accessed through the work. Under no circumstances shall McGraw-Hill and/or its licensors be liable for any indirect, incidental, special, punitive, consequential or similar damages that result from the use of or inability to use the work, even if any of them has been advised of the possibility of such damages. This limitation of liability shall apply to any claim or cause whatsoever whether such claim or cause arises in contract, tort or otherwise.

I love working, always have. I started as soon as I was able to find someone who would hire me, which initially was a family with kids in my neighborhood who needed a babysitter. Even though I was just a kid myself, I worked hard, feeding, bathing, diapering, and reading bedtime stories. Noting my industrious nature (and trouble in schoolwhich is putting it mildly), my dad brought me into his office during the summers to work. He put his secretary (in those days there were no assistants, administrative, executive, or otherwise) in charge of supervising me. So I sat next to her like Liberace in front of a piano and ran my fingers up and down the keys of an IBM Selectric typewriter, enjoying the clicketyclack sounds that I was able to tap out with my fingertips. When I tired of that, I was assigned to organize paper clips, rubber bands, erasers, and staple refills in the office-supply closet, which I did earnestly and with focused intent. It was the first timeand only time, Im surein the history of my dads company that everything was lined up and coordinated by color.

When I was a little older, but not by much, I gave dance lessons to kids and taught aerobics to senior citizens. I know, its an oxymoron; they sat in chairs for the whole class. I didnt care. I loved it. While I continued going to school, I managed to pick up an odd job here and an odd job thereand sometimes that meant really odd. For instance, I did clown makeup, worked events dressed up as Minnie Mouse and a James Bond Girl and pretended to be a mannequin on top of store displays for hours on end, although nothing beats the time that my parents put me to work capturing fleas off my two childhood Chihuahuas. And, yes, I got paid for thatper flea. What can I say? I was good at it. That, plus my dad was a real stickler for the value of work and its relationship to self-esteem.

By the time I was in high school, I had a normal job as a part-time employee at Bambergers, which is now Macys. That was the beginning of my official career track, which has since traveled down an extraordinary pathone that started at Chanel and ended at Goldman Sachs. Thats when I started my own company, Krysalis.

But I must say that from the very beginning, regardless of what job I was in, Ive wondered why people werent naturally inclined to say what they wanted to or needed to say. See, I was unable to hold my thoughts and feelings in because doing so made me feel as though I might explode. So the words came flying out of my mouth, propelled by the pressure I felt inside. At first, I just assumed that everyone operated the same way. But Ive come to learn that they dont.

Over the years Ive said things to people that they werent expecting and been accused of saying words that stung every bit as much as a square left hook to the jaw. No big surprise. I know this about myself. Even so, I still prepare for a return swingI wince inside, close my eyes, and wait. But what continues to shock me time and time again is that instead of punches, I get hugs. Maybe not immediately, but eventually I do, and it has taught me the value of being forthcoming and forthright with people.

So when the opportunity arose for me to write this book on the subject of difficult conversations and the dread associated with them, I must say I was thrilled and decided to tailor it to the needs of todays workforce with an emphasis placed on communication as the most vital and powerful tool at our disposal. More important, it is intended to help people overcome the verbal constipation that holds them and their organizations back.

See, I was never convinced by the prevailing argument that difficult conversations were synonymous with conflict and confrontation. In fact, I think that they are two totally separate things that only sometimes overlap. For one, you cant learn to confront someone else effectively unless youve learned to confront yourself first, which tends to be biggest missing link in, and obstacle to, developing better communication skills.

Something else I struggle with is how easily difficult conversations have become confused with negotiating, when they also are two different animals. Lets face it, negotiating by its very nature creates an adversary and is typically about finding a means to ones own end. And while it may indeed be difficult to get one person to do what another wants, it also runs counter to creating genuine, heartfelt dialogue between individuals. So all of this focus has been directed toward teaching people how to create a win-win situation via difficult conversations, when ultimately the goal should be to learn how to say what you need to say and let others do the same.