Douglas Stone - Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

Table of Contents

Praise for Difficult Conversations

A user-friendly guide to mastering the talks we dread... a keeper.

Fast Company magazine

Emotional intelligence applied to lifes toughest moments.

Daniel Goleman, bestselling author of Working with Emotional Intelligence

The only people who shouldnt read Difficult Conversations are those who never work with people, anywhere.

Peter M. Senge, bestselling author of The Fifth Discipline

How do you confront your ex-spouse whos late picking up the kids? How do you tell a client their project took longer than expected and the bill is twice as high? How do you say Im sorry? Start by picking up Difficult Conversations .

Citizen

[ Difficult Conversations ] will be appreciated by readers who wish to improve oral communication in all aspects of their daily lives.

Library Journal

Stone, Patton, and Heen illustrate their points with anecdotes, scripted conversations and familiar examples in a clear, easy-to-browse format.

Publishers Weekly

The central insights of Difficult Conversations so resonate with common sense that it is easy to overlook just how remarkable of a book it is... a must-read.

Harvard Negotiation Law Review

Examples more clear-headed and advice more precise than weve seen before.

Dallas Morning News

Stone, Patton, and Heen have written an extremely clear and unpretentious exposition of how to develop effective communication skills and a guide to achieving openness and constructive outcomes in dialogue... this book is, and probably for some time to come will be definitive.

Southern Communication Journal

PENGUIN BOOKS

DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS

Douglas Stone is a lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School and a founder of Triad Consulting Group (www.diffcon.com). In addition to corporate clients like Citigroup, Honda, HP, Johnson & Johnson, Microsoft, Shell, and Turner Broadcasting, Stone has worked with journalists, educators, doctors, diplomats, and political leaders in South Africa, Kashmir, and the Middle East, and in Geneva with the WHO and UN-AIDS. He has trained senior political appointees at the White House and was a keynote speaker at the 2006 World Negotiation Conference in So Paulo. His articles have appeared in publications ranging from the New York Times to Real Simple . He is a graduate of Harvard Law School, where for ten years he served as Associate and then Associate Director of the Harvard Negotiation Project. He is currently researching the relationships among productivity, feedback, and fulfillment in the workplace. He can be reached at dstone@post.harvard.edu.

Bruce Patton is cofounder and distinguished fellow of the Harvard Negotiation Project and a founder and partner of Vantage Partners, LLC (www.vantagepartners.com), where his clients include some of the largest corporations in the world. Working with Roger Fisher, Patton pioneered the teaching of negotiation at Harvard Law School, where he has taught since 1981. In the public arena he helped to structure the resolution of the 1980 U.S.-Iranian hostage conflict (working at the behest of both governments); worked with Nobel Prize winner Oscar Arias to make his Central American Peace Plan self-implementing; worked with all parties in South Africa to structure and train mediators for the constitutional process that ended apartheid; and continues to work toward better conflict management in the Middle East and elsewhere. A graduate of Harvard College and Harvard Law School, Patton is coauthor with Roger Fisher and William Ury of the bestselling Getting to YES: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In. He can be reached at bpatton@post.harvard.edu.

Sheila Heen is a lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School and a founder of Triad Consulting Group (www.diffcon.com). Her clients span five continents and include TimeWarner, the Federal Reserve Bank, Merck, PwC, Standard Chartered, Tatweer of Dubai, Cemex of Mexico, and Unilever. Heen often works with executive teams to engage conflict productively, repair working relationships, and make sound decisions. In the public sector she has consulted to the New England Organ Bank, the Singapore Supreme Court, Greek and Turkish Cypriots, and the Arctic Slope Regional Corporation in Barrow, Alaska. Heen has worked with theologians struggling with disagreement over the nature of truth and God and with senior political appointees for the White House. She has appeared on shows as diverse as Oprah , Fox News , CNBCs Power Lunch , and on National Public Radio . A graduate of Harvard Law School, she is schooled in negotiation daily by her three children. She can be reached at heen@post.harvard.edu.

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Published by the Penguin Group

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Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

First published in the United States of America by Viking Penguin, a member of Penguin Putnam Inc. 1999

Published in Penguin Books 2000

This edition with a new preface and chapter published 2010

Copyright Douglas Stone, Bruce M. Patton, and Sheila Heen, 1999

Foreword copyright Roger Fisher, 1999

Preface and Ten Questions Douglas Stone, Bruce M. Patton, and Sheila Heen, 2010 All rights reserved

Difficult Conversations is a registered trademark of Difficult Conversations Associates.

AUTHORS NOTE

Research at Harvard University is undertaken with the expectation of publication. In such publication the authors alone are responsible for statements of fact, opinions, recommendations, and conclusions expressed. Publication in no way implies approval or endorsement by Harvard University, any of its faculties, or by the President and Fellows of Harvard College.

Stone, Douglas.

Difficult conversations: how to discuss what matters most/

Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen.

p. cm.

eISBN : 978-1-101-49676-3

1. Interpersonal communication. 2. Interpersonal communication-Case studies. I. Patton, Bruce. II. Heen, Sheila. III. Title.

BF637.C45S78 1999

158.2 dc21 98-33346

The scanning, uploading and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the authors rights is appreciated.

http://us.penguingroup.com

To our families
with love and gratitude

and to our friend and mentor, Roger Fisher,
for his vision and commitment

Preface to the Second Edition

When we completed Difficult Conversations ten years ago, we hoped it would catch on with businesses and help people in personal relationships. Happily, its done both.

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