Daniel Stillman - Good Talk: How to Design Conversations that Matter
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- Book:Good Talk: How to Design Conversations that Matter
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- Year:2020
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Leadership is the art of designing transformative conversations.
Real change is needed, now, more than ever. This change cant happen through force, edict or persuasion. The future will be built through conversation - and Good Talk will show you how.
Good Talk is a step-by-step framework to effect change in your personal and professional conversations. With dozens of tools and interactive components, Good Talk is a handbook to navigate the conversations that matter.
Whats Inside:
- How to see the structure of conversations. Life is built one messy, slippery conversation at a time. While conversations feel hard to hold onto, ebbing and flowing, back and forth and into eventual silence, they each have a structure. The first step to changing your conversations is seeing whats going on between the silence.
- What is your Conversation Operating System? Who gets invited to the conversation? Who speaks first? Where does the conversation take place? What happens if someone messes up? In every conversation, there are elements that guide the exchange. The nine elements of the Conversation OS Canvas can help you to shift the direction of your conversations.
- What is your conversational range? Conversations are more than dialogue. From the conversations in your head to the complex conversation that is your organization, you need to design conversations that matter across a huge range of sizes. Learn to master conversations from the boardroom and beyond.
- How to design conversations that matter. The world needs fresh, creative conversations that are alive, and that work for all the people involved. How can you design conversations that matter? Leadership means designing the conditions for these conversations to happen. Learn the patterns and principles to make change possible.
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Our lives are defined by the conversations we can or cant have.
Good conversations deliver what we expect.
Transformative conversations deliver surprise.
Leadership is the art of designing the conditions for a transformative conversation.
In any moment, anyone can lead a conversation.
Graphic design: Douwe Hoendervanger ontwerp lid bno www.douwehoendervanger.nl Editing: Dorseda de Block
2020 Daniel Stillman & Boom uitgevers Amsterdam
Management Impact is a division of Boom uitgevers Amsterdam
ISBN 978 94 6276 356 2
e-ISBN 978 94 6276 379 1
www.danielstillman.com
www.theconversationfactory.com
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a database or retrieval system, or published, in any form or in any way, electronically, mechanically, by print, photo print, microfilm or any other means, without prior written permission from the publisher.
The publisher is fully aware of its responsibility to ensure optimum reliability. Nevertheless, we cannot accept liability for any inaccuracies that may appear in this edition.
Table of contents
Ludwig Wittgenstein, Austrian Philosopher, popularized the duck-rabbit.
Our lives are built one conversation at a time.
Each day we have dozens of conversations. Some conversations are once-in-a-lifetime interactions that light us up and shift our course. Others seem stuck in an infinite loop, eventually becoming stale and repetitive.
We count on conversations to help us get what we want and need from other people, and we all put significant effort into making our conversations go well.
It can take work to start them off right: We need to talk, rarely starts an exchange anyone is looking forward to. When conversations get off track, its hard to walk away without regrets or replaying them in our heads.
Conversations can be hinge points, igniting new growth or ending a phase in our lives. No matter how difficult, any conversation can be an opportunity to connect, learn, and grow.
Each and every conversation is an opportunity to change your life. You can take hold of that opportunity, or let it slip through your fingers.
Conversations matter.
My journey into designing conversations started in a laundry room. I had finished my two-year masters degree in industrial design, and was working as a researcher and strategist for a small firm in the Flatiron section of New York. Most of my job was journeying out into the suburbs to talk to homemakers about the appliances they used in their daily lives, and how we could make them better.
I had an experience that has stayed with me, nearly a decade later. Standing in a laundry room with my interviewee, a dark-haired Italian-American mother of three teenagers who made sandwiches for her kids every day (when was the last time my mother made me a sandwich, I wondered?), I steadily worked through my list of questions. She was offering me some great information, but time was getting short and I still had a lot to ask. She paused for a moment, done with her response, or so I thought.
I took a breath and started to ask my next question. At the same time she took a breath to continue her thoughts. We both stammered as the opening of our sentences collided.
What were you going to say? I asked. It was my job, after all, to get her to give us as much good information as possible.
Oh, I cant remember now! she said. I blanched. In one breath, I had erased her entire half of the conversation.
In that moment, I saw the power of conversation: connection and insights would only ever happen if I could be patient and open to silence. What else was I missing in my life, in my rush to move things forward?
We spend a tremendous amount of time talking to other people. At work alone, some estimates figure that the average worker spends about five hours in meetings each week. For managers, that number rises to 12 hours. In the public sector, its 14 hours. Most of these hours are reported to be ineffective at delivering solid outcomes. Thats a huge financial loss in productivity. That loss could be as much as 37 billion (with a B!) according to one study. And thats just official meetings.
Outside of work, think about the challenges of bringing up difficult issues with our family, spouse or friends. Its impossible to estimate the cost of not having good conversations with the most important people in our lives.
A good conversation might mean that we get out of it what we wanted and planned. When everything goes according to our plan, thats good. While a good conversation delivers what we expect, a great conversation exceeds our expectations. As powerful as the human imagination is, even if everything went according to our plans, wed still live smaller lives.
Stepping into a conversation expecting to be surprised means being open to possibility. Even the toughest conversations can be opportunities for transformation, if we look carefully.
Its hard to dig deep during a conflict to find common ground or to discover where the issue started. Ive walked into firing squads and walked out with friendships intact because I was willing to listen and be patient with my own panic.
Thats the power of conversation to transform lives.
I didnt write this book just to help you have good conversations. This book exists to help you break through to a new level of communication and collaboration within your team, in your organization, and in your life. Thats my passion and my purposehelping teams and organizations work together better, by talking and collaborating more mindfully. The problem is, most of our conversations run on a multitude of default decisions.
When we come together to talk with a person or people, the conversation starts in a familiar way: someone kicks things off and someone responds. Then, a free-for all ensues. The conversation ping-pongs back and forth, with everyone taking a turn whenever the urge strikes. When conversations are left to these default, unconscious patterns, they can wind up going in circles and causing heartache.
What if we (insert idea)?
We tried that last season.
Oh, okay.
Why is it okay for us to generate and critique ideas at the same time? Why are we sitting around a table looking at a screen? Why arent we going for a walk and talking about this? Why are we having this conversation over email? Why are these the default choices? Who made them?
Instead of default decisions, we can make mindful, intentional choices and design our conversations, for the better.
Being intentional and mindful about all the conversations in your life might sound like a big task, and youre right: it is. And the bad news is, I cant do any of that work for you, but I can create time and space for you to do it and ask you some helpful questions.
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