2015 by Mike Bechtle
Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www . revellbooks .com
New edition published 2017
Previously published as You Cant Text a Tough Conversation
Ebook edition created 2015
Ebook corrections 03.23.2017
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.
ISBN 978-1-4412-2066-0
Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from The Message by Eugene H. Peterson, copyright 1993, 1994, 1995, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations labeled EXB are from the Expanded Bible, copyright 2011 Thomas Nelson Inc. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations labeled NASB are from the New American Standard Bible, copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.
Scripture quotations labeled NIV are from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com
Published in association with the literary agency of Alive Communications, Inc., 7680 Goddard Street, Suite 200, Colorado Springs, CO 80920, www.alivecommunications.com.
To Brian
Every dads dream is to have his daughter
marry a man of character.
You fulfilled that dream,
and Im grateful youre in her life
and mine.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Acknowledgments
Introduction: How the Elephant Got in the Room
Part 1: The Process of Conversation
1. Elephant Prevention
2. How Conversations Get Tough
3. What People Need
Part 2: Tools for Healthy Conversations
4. Tool #1You Gotta Learn to Dance (Perspective)
5. Tool #2Confidence in Communication (Trust)
6. Tool #3Staying on Your Side of the Checkerboard (Ownership)
7. Tool #4Your Personal Fuel Station (Emotions)
9. Tool #6The Value of Everybody (Respect)
Part 3: Skills for Healthy Conversations
10. Skill #1Make It Safe
11. Skill #2Eliminate Intimidation
12. Skill #3Practice Power Listening
13. Skill #4Encourage Honest Feedback
14. Skill #5Start with Kindness
15. Skill #6Know Your Purpose
Part 4: Growing into Connection
16. Relating to Relatives
17. Rust-Free Relationships
18. Redeeming Technology
Conclusion
Notes
About the Author
Books by Mike Bechtle
Back Ads
Back Cover
Acknowledgments
W hen I wrote my first book, I realized that there are a lot of people who are involved in making it happen. Some (like editors and agents) are directly involved. Others (like a spouse) come alongside your dream and believe in you. Others are impacted by the fact that youre spending time with a manuscript you might normally be spending with them.
Its all still true.
Vicki Crumpton has been my editor for all four of my books. Its been like having a personal coach and mentor who comes alongside and teaches you how to get better each time. She uses up a lot of red ink on my manuscripts, which means that any success this book achieves has her fingerprints all over it. Working with her has been one of the main reasons Ive come to love writing. Shes as good as they get. Thanks, Coach!
Somewhere along the line, Joel Kneedler shifted from being my agent to being my friend. He guided the initial decisions for my last book and this one and has helped steer my writing career over the past few years. Hes moved on to the next level in the publishing world, but Im grateful for his belief in me when I wasnt sure which way to go next. Thanks for the partnership!
My wife, Diane, was more heavily involved in this book than any other. Her input on the content and her comments on the manuscript shaped my ideas in priceless ways. Those discussions had the potential to turn into tough conversations, but she found the balance between being tough and tender. Youve always been my biggest fan, and Ill always be yours. Im grateful for you just being you!
Finally, there are the people I have coffee or hang out with, and that hasnt happened as much over the past few months. Sara, Tim, Brian, my grandkids, and my new daughter-in-law, Lucy, deserve more focus in the coming weeks as soon as I hit send and this book goes on its way. You guys are all priceless gifts to me, and I love you.
Then theres God. What can I say? Eternally grateful...
Part 1
The Process of Conversation
W hen I want to learn how to do something, I find a book on the topic. I read the book, gain as much knowledge as I can, and then try to do it. I am usually successful, but it can take a long time.
If I had a leaky faucet, for example, I would pick up a book on do-it-yourself plumbing. Id read about how faucets work. Then Id study the different types of faucets. I would read about what causes leaks and the most common ways to fix those leaks. Then I would make sure I had the right tools and start working on the faucet. With the book in one hand and a wrench in the other, I would start taking the faucet apart. After each step, Id check the book to make sure I had done it correctly and to familiarize myself with the next step.
Then I met my father-in-law. When he wanted to fix something, he didnt read a book. He grabbed some tools and started dismantling it. He would figure it out by looking and experimenting. In almost every case, he identified what needed to be doneand it took a lot less time than my approach.
They were a waterskiing family. So when I married his daughter, he taught me how to water-ski. Dont you dare go get a book on waterskiing, he said. Im going to hand you a rope and push you off the back of the boat. You better hang on. And I quickly learned how to ski.
Ive gotten much better over the years. I still like to read about things, but Ive learned the value of just starting on something.
Relationships require the ability to do both. Theyre complicated and messy, and they dont come with instructions. Books can help with understanding them, but we have to jump in and do the hard work of growing those relationships.
So lets start with the book work. This section explores how relationships and communication work at the most basic level. Once we lay that foundation, well get the tools we need and learn the skills of building relationships that thrive instead of just survive.
2
How Conversations Get Tough
Watch your words and hold your tongue; youll save yourself a lot of grief.
Proverbs 21:23
W hen our son, Tim, was about three years old, he touched a hot barbeque. We were standing in the backyard as I fired up the grill, getting ready to start dinner. He brought out the food for me, and we were going to cook together. It was going to be one of those great father-son bonding times.
At one point, he got too close to the barbeque. Be careful, I said. Dont touch the barbeque. If you do, youll burn yourself. It couldnt have been more than a second later. He just couldnt help himself as he reached out his index finger and touched it. I guess it didnt scar him for life, because now he has a career managing a restaurant. But he still remembers touching the barbeque. Im guessing hes pretty careful at his restaurant when hes in the kitchen.
Next page