Dr. Mike Bechtle - What Was He Thinking?: The Womans Guide to a Mans Mind

Talking into Thin Air

Y oure driving somewhere with your man. Its about dinnertime and youve had a long, exhausting day. Youre thinking it would be nice to stop somewhere for dinner instead of having to go home and find the energy to prepare something (even if he helps).

So you say, Would you like to stop for dinner someplace?

He replies, Not really.

Based on the differences between how men and women tend to process information, you might be hurt by his response. Doesnt he care about how tough my day was? Why is he being so inconsiderate? Why does he get to decide what we do?

Its possible that your interpretation is accurate. Maybe he doesnt care and he is inconsiderate. But more likely he didnt realize what was behind your words. He heard a question asking his input, so he shared an honest response. Maybe hes equally exhausted and wants to retreat to the safety of home instead of fighting a crowded restaurant. Or maybe hes a little concerned about finances and feels like it would be better to save money.

You feel like he should understand what you need and want. He feels like he answered your question so there is no need to explain things. Same words, different interpretation. The rest of the evening can become tense because of unspoken expectations and emotions.

Its a language barriertwo people using the same words but not connecting. If we assume that the other person shares our exact meaning and understanding, were setting ourselves up for frustration.

Age or position doesnt matter:

Teenage girls begin dating without any understanding of how guys think. All they know is what they observe from experience. So they think they understand and wonder why its so challenging.

A new manager comes in and his actions seem to contradict what he says. But you cant challenge the boss, right? So all you can do is try to figure him out.

Newlyweds learn quickly that their new spouse doesnt fit the image they expected and wonder what happened after the ceremony ended.

Moms wonder why their sons are so radically different from their daughters and how to make sense of their perspectiveespecially during their teen years.

When you want to develop a new skill, you take courses, read books, or attend seminars to learn new perspectives. If you want to improve your communication skills with men, its worth the investment of time and energy to make it happen.

Its time to begin that journey.

Everybodys Different

Im a morning person. I generally wake up before sunrise, and Im fully awake within about five minutes. Give me a cup of coffee to start my day, and Im at my freshest. Im mentally at my best. By 9:00 at night I have trouble forming multisyllable words or walking upright. When my head hits the pillow, Im usually asleep in seconds.

My wife, Diane, tends to be a night person. Her job often gets her up early by necessity, so shes learned to function in the morning. But she naturally operates best later in the day or early evening. It often takes her a lot longer to go to sleep because her mind hasnt settled down yet.

We discovered the problem about two weeks into our marriage. We had settled into bed for the evening, and I was dropping off to sleep when I heard the four words that men dread: We need to talk.

For her, it was a logical time. She had been thinking about an issue all day long. As a young husband I panicked because I didnt want her to think I didnt care. So I told myself, Dont fall asleep... dont fall asleep... while she described the situation. She assumed that her new, caring husband would be happy to talk through the issue. I really was interested, and I really did care. She kept talking, and I kept dropping off.

She was talking into thin air.

We had to do some damage control after that. But because of it, we realized that were different. Part of it is the morning/night person scenario, but its more than that. There are real differences between us, just because shes a woman and Im a man.

Those differences can cause some challenges in communication when we dont understand them.

The Reality of Differences

I dont get it, a friend told me. I just dont understand men.

Whats going on? I asked.

When we were dating, she continued, I was the most important thing in his life. He pursued me. He brought me flowers. He would call me for no reason. He left notes on my windshield while I was at work. He surprised me constantly, and he won my heart. So I married him.

Then what happened?

I found out where he got the flowers, she said. He would stop by the local cemetery and take them off of graves.

And that bothered you?

Of course! she responded. He acted like it was a wise, practical choice because the flowers had done their job, and they would just go to waste and get thrown away. I told him it was disgusting, but he just didnt get it. Hes such a good man, and this seems so out of character. What was he thinking?