Papadopoulos - What men say, what women hear: bridging the communication gap one conversation at a time

M att returns home after a bad day at the office. Rachel, his wife of five years, immediately corners him.

RACHEL: Great, youre here. Now we can go through the fabric swatches I collected and pick one for the bedroom.

MATT: For goodness sake, cant you even give me five minutes to take my coat off and relax? Plus, I thought we agreed the bedroom didnt need redecorating right awaywe just did it two years ago.

RACHEL: ( Matt doesnt love me enough or else hed be more excited about the plans Im making for our home. I want our house to be perfect for the both of us .)

MATT: ( I shouldnt have snapped but it felt like yet another demand, with a dig thrown in about how crappy our house looks. I cant do everything! )

Sound familiar? This kind of scenario is played out in households all over the world, every day. Men and women talking to each other but misinterpreting what the other is sayingoften with hurtful consequences.

It should be so easy. All those centuries of human development, socialization, and civilization have to count for something. Weve sent men into space, women to the voting booths, and cloned a pretty impressive little sheep. Yet, when it comes to communication between the sexes, why does it feel like were still at the Me Tarzan, you Jane stage?

How can You look great! end up being heard as Its nice to see you make an effort for a change ? Why does Ill do the dishes after the football game seamlessly transform into I dont respect you enough to put effort into this relationship anymore? And why do we even bother to ask the question Does my butt look big in this? when no answer on the face of the planet can ever be satisfactory?

Unfortunately for us social beings, there is a gulf in meaning between what we say and what others hear. This is true of any conversation but is particularly the case when it involves those we love, who we feel should understand us the most. But it is precisely in the context of personal relationships where we need to make the most effort to really understand each other and to acknowledge that to a large extent the way we interpret what is being said is based on the preexisting beliefs we hold about ourselves and the world around us, not always on the others intent.

Miscommunication between the sexes is no real surprise. Society values each gender very differently, and this in turn plays a major part in how we communicate. Gender is a core factor that inevitably shapes not only how we respond to the world but also how the world responds to us. In the same way that we need to take into account the cultural norms of a person from a different country, we need to anticipate the cultural differences that will arise when a man and a woman try to understand each other. From car navigation to fashion to how many days you can safely leave leftover take-out Chinese food in the fridge before it becomes a health risk, theres likely to be little consensus between your average male and female. Mix in the weird and wonderful world of romance and voil : opportunity for whole new levels of misunderstanding!

Of course, these healthy differences can work very effectively, as any woman who has ever flirted with a traffic cop to avoid getting a ticket can testify. However, the system often breaks down. Even simple compliments sound different once theyve passed through our deep-rooted insecurities. Instead of accepting a compliment in the straightforward Man Speak in which it was meant, we choose to decipher it using our own Woman Speak, and wires become crossed and messages confused. What Men Say, What Women Hear is designed to help you understand these messy man/woman transactions and guide you through the minefield that is romantic relationships. Its packed with tips to help ensure your relationship runs more smoothly, simply by having you learn to speak the same language. Because, as experience has taught me, this is the only path to true happiness in love.

Blissfully unaware of this simple truth, we try to address relationship problems in a million different and unsuccessful ways. We make unreasonable demands, we overpromise, we buy flowers and gift-wrapped boxes of chocolates to say were sorry. But these strategies are useless because the underlying problem remains. Its impossible to tell somebody what he wants to hear when you cant understand what hes saying in the first place! Its difficult to read what is going on in a relationship when were referring to only one translation guideour own, gender-skewed version.

Fortunately, this doesnt require taking evening classes in male psychology. Its developing an understanding that every day of our lives we are socialized, one way or another, to speak and listen as a womannot as a man. And there isnt a whole load of common ground between the two. Being aware of this is the first critical step toward harmony.

Once youve accepted this inextricable link between your biology and acculturation and their effect on how you react to and interpret the world around you (including your partner) then you will be able to really hear what is being said to you rather than merely responding to what you expect to hear. The key is perspective. Getting a grip on all these nonsensical yet strangely powerful thoughts comes down to establishing how realistic your current fears are and replacing them with a set of far more reasonable beliefs.

From initial attraction and early dates to meeting his family and the inevitable first fight, well use real-life scenarios to address communication trouble spots that can arise at significant milestones in a relationship. Often, the trick is as simple as accepting that Im busy tonight doesnt mean Im too busy to have you in my life, or that I love the blue dress on you doesnt mean I hate the red dress. Sometimes, its a bit more complex and involves replacing deep-rooted thoughts and insecurities with a set of more sensible expectations. By addressing once and for all the double challenge of managing our own communication and comprehending our partners, What Men Say, What Women Hear will teach you how to develop a universal language, a common dialogue that you both understand. And while that doesnt mean hes suddenly going to respond, Of course darling, Im right on it! the minute you ask him to remove his filthy laundry from the bedroom floor, it does mean that youll learn to interpret his distracted grunt as just that, rather than an intentional insult that threatens the very fabric of your whole relationship. Likewise, once you begin to respond to what he is really saying rather than to what you expect him to say, he will unconsciously return the favor. Its called modeling appropriate behavior and basically means that if he feels that you are making a real effort to respect and understand what he is saying then it is very likely that he will return the favor. Eventually, discussing the laundry issue is not seen as an attempt to (a) run his life or (b) cage him into a boring domesticated relationship. And, with luck, he will learn that a quick No worries, Ill do it now is far easier in the long run. Stranger things have happened.