Richard Kadrey - Butcher Bird: A Novel of the Dominion

Butcher Bird
by
Richard Kadrey

Richard Kadrey

For N, with love

Other books by Richard Kadrey:

Angel Scene
Kamikaze LAmour
Metrophage
The Covert Culture Sourcebook, Volumes 1 & 2
From Myst to Riven

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This whole worlds wild at heart and weird on top.
Barry Gifford, Wild at Heart

They say that when your head gets chopped off, it can still see and hear for a few seconds, so Ill have to go with beheading, said Spyder Lee to Lulu Garou.

Spyder Lee was drinking shots of Patrn Aejo tequila with Lulu, his business partner, at the Bardo Lounge just off Market Street in San Francisco.

Lulu looked into her empty glass and thought for some time, took a drag off her Marlboro Light and winked at the woman tending bar. Being beaten to death, said Lulu. Badly. I dont mean like with a baseball bat or rebar so youre out cold, but something small. She crushed out her Marlboro in the ashtray the bartender slid in front of her. An eight ball in a sweat sock. Thatd give your killer a good workout.

Not if the guy hit you in the head right off, said Spyder.

My mama was pretty free with her hands. Im a faster ducker, Lulu replied. She grinned. Spyder could tell she was unimpressed with his argument.

Burning at the stake, he said.

Drawn and quartered, Lulu countered.

Rubi, the bartender, took their empty glasses away. Exactly what are you two rattling about?

Worst ways to die, said Spyder. Being covered in honey and staked out on a red ant hill.

Dying of thirst. Like right now, said Lulu.

Rubi slid her hand across the bar and took hold of Lulus left pinkie. You parched, baby?

Im drier than Candy Darlings cunt.

Candy Darling was a man, said Spyder.

Exactly.

Rubi leaned forward and kissed Lulus pinkie. Ill get you both another round. On me. As she left to make their drinks, Lulu called after her, That aint all thats gonna be on you tonight. Rubi stuck her tongue out at Lulu.

Being crucified. Thats supposed to be horrible, said Spyder.

Youre only saying that cause thats how they talk about it in movies. You ever known anyone who was crucified? Or even heard of one? Hell no. Maybe being crucified is great. Maybe its a fucking hoot. Maybe its a blow job and ice cream on your birthday. Lulu took out another Marlboro Light and lit it with a pink fur Zippo. Know what would really suck? Being force fed a bucket full of black widows.

Spyder made a face, half frown and half smile. Jesus, girl, he said. Youre upping the ante on me.

It was the end of another day at the tattoo studio and piercing parlor Spyder and Lulu ran together. Spyder did the ink while Lulu handled the metal. It was a pleasant business. It let them both pretend to be artists while making money and getting a lot of tail on the side. Rubi, for instance, had been one of Lulus earliest and most regular customers.

Shes got about five pounds of me on her at all times, Lulu liked to tell friends.

Rubi brought back their drinks and set them on the bar. What time you getting off tonight? asked Lulu.

Early, said Rubi. Bout an hour.

Sweet.

Being eaten alive, Night of the Living Dead -style, said Spyder.

Lulu turned to him. You mind? Were having a moment here.

Wait, better than that, Spyder went on. Being starved to death, but given topical anesthetic and surgical equipment, so the only way you could stay alived be to amputate your own limbs and eat them.

Rubi said, You two ought to get married. Move into the Bates Motel. She went down the bar to serve other customers.

Now you ruined our surprise, Spyder called after her.

Lulu took a long pull on her tequila. Flayed alive and drowned in pickle brine.

Spyder looked at his hands. The back of one was covered in an intricate black tribal snake pattern while the other hand sported a cartoon red sacred heart. MANS RUIN was tattooed across the knuckles of both hands. Hed gotten the letters while doing a year in reform school for car theft. They were bullshit tats. Kid stuff. But they marked a period of his life, so he never bothered to have them lasered off. From his neck to the tops of his feet, Spyder Lee was an explosion of images and pigments. Hed never felt normal until hed been tattooed for the first time. The ink felt like some kind of magic armor. His tattoos, even the stupid ones, made him feel bulletproof.

He was one of those lanky Texas boys you see working on cars in oil-stained driveways, a cooler full of Coors, his only concession to the summer heat. A perpetually messy mop of black hair and long arms covered in grease working on the transmission of a vintage Mustang of questionable ownership.

Split open, your organs torn out with hooks and replaced with red hot coals, he said.

Lulu leaned in close. Strapped to the front of a burning boat and driven through a mile and a half of electrified razorwire in a Tabasco sauce hurricane.

They both broke up in drunken laughter, spitting and slamming their hands on the bar.

Youre both wrong, said a woman sitting to Spyders right. He and Lulu turned to look at the woman. She was small, with fine features and the smooth grace of a dancer. The woman was drinking red wine and wearing sunglasses. In her right hand she held a white cane, the sort used by the blind.

Lulu called over Spyders shoulder, Okay Ray Charles, whats the worst way to die?

The woman finished her wine and stood up. To be betrayed by the one you love.

She turned on her heels and, swinging her cane in small arcs in front of her, pushed her way through the crowd and out of the bar.

Spyder watched the door as it closed behind the woman. Lulu took a drag off her Marlboro. Stupid bitch, she said, and dropped the butt into the womans empty wine glass.

The Great Divide

The Earth was born in a furnace. When the world grew strong enough, it crawled into the dark void to cool and heal itself. Soon, however, it grew too cold and shivered with ice.

The Earth looked around and found a small star to warm it up. Deciding it liked the neighborhood and the climate, there the Earth stayed.

Life appeared across the Earth, splashed in the water and glided on thermals through the sky. It didnt take life long to grow so abundant that it began preying on itself.

Crows, bats and eagles, the lords of the air, scooped up fish from the seas and dumped them in the desert until the dry lands were piled high with their bones. These carcasses became the Earths first mountains.

Other animals learned to climb the trees and attack the birds as they hunted for food. The land dwellers decorated the bare trees with the birds feathers and painted the ground with their blood. The gray earth suddenly had color.