Amy Dixon - Annie B., Made for TV

Jefferson, Jefferson, Home of the Quail!

Jefferson, Jefferson, we never fail!

Our school is the best, better than the rest.

Well shout it loud and clear,

Jefferson, Jefferson, Home of the Quail,

Show us how you CHEER!

I know as a fifth grader Im supposed to roll my eyes and pretend to say the words to our school fight song instead of actually saying them. Its the little kids that get excited and belt out the lyrics and cheer their heads off at the end. The fifth graders, the rulers of the school, are supposed to cross their arms over their chest and act bored. Usually I play along, but today is our last day at Jefferson Elementary, and I cant help but sing and scream like a maniac at the end. Ive been at this school since I was four years old, which means Ive probably sung the phrase Jefferson, Jefferson, Home of the Quail seven thousand times.

Quail are the worst mascots ever. The quail is our state bird in California, so Im pretty sure thats why its our school mascot. I once did a report on quail and discovered they get scared easily and run away and hide when anyone comes close to them. So Im not sure why you would want your school to be represented by a bird like that. If youre going to be a bird, at least pick a strong and brave bird, like an eagle or a hawk. When you play another school in basketball, you dont want to be the bird that gets eaten. You want to be the bird that eats the other birds!

The only mascot thats possibly worse is a troubadour. That was my moms school mascot when she was my age. The first problem with a troubadour is that they dont even exist anymore. Theyre from way back in the time of knights and castles and damsels in distress. The second problem is that a troubadour is a wandering minstrelsomeone who frolics around the countryside playing music and spouting love poetry. Ill never understand who thought that would make a good mascot. A mascot should be something youre scared to compete against. Troubadours just stand on the sidelines in their tights and funky hats, singing and waving to the real warriors. Theyre like the cheerleaders of the Middle Ages. Whats scary about that? Oh, mighty troubadour, with your flute and tiny guitar, your inspiring poetry has me shaking in my boots! How will I handle all of your encouragement? The only chance you have with that one is to hope that no one knows what a troubadour is. Then you can pretend its something fierce, like a rare type of jungle cat or a ferocious dinosaur species. But theres no pretending with a quail. Everyone knows what a quail is, and no one is afraid of it.

My best friend, Savannah, doesnt agree. She adores quail and was super upset when she saw them on the menu at Chez Jacques, a fancy-pants restaurant downtown. Which really just proves my point, since you would never see sauted eagle or poached hawk on someones dinner plate. But Savannah thinks quail are beautiful. Personally, I think they look a bit like a miniature soccer ball. Something youd like to kick, which, again, makes them not the greatest mascot. But today, on the last day of fifth grade at Jefferson, Jefferson, Home of the Quail, every student in the room wants to have the heart of a quail.

The Heart of a Quail Award is the biggest and best award you can get at our school. It is given to one fifth grader each year who represents Outstanding scholarship, active participation, dedicated school service, and positive leadership. The teachers like to call it the school spirit award, but I call it the Im good at everything award. And even though Im hardly ever the best at anything, theres a tiny part of me that thinks theres a chance my name could be called up to that stage. So my entire class is sitting here, actually holding it together pretty well for the last day of school, waiting for the awards to be announced. Its first thing in the morning, which helps because we havent been here long enough to get antsy yet. Were sitting on the floor of the MPR, and its super gross. The school calls it the multipurpose room because they use it for everything. Its the auditorium, but its also the cafeteria and the gym, which means that this floor has been splattered on a regular basis with both taco sauce and wrestling sweat. Somehow, even when its a hundred degrees outside, they manage to make the MPR absolutely freezing. Which feels great when you first walk in, but after thirty seconds it feels like youre inside an igloo. Thank goodness today I remembered my soccer hoodie. Now if they could only get it to smell like something other than dirty socks and tater tots in here, it might be bearable. Wait! That gives me a really good idea.

Kids, tired of sipping warm juice boxes in a cafeteria that smells like your worst nightmare? Ready to give your nose a break from todays lunch surprise?