Michael Thomas Ford - Suicide Notes

For Abby McAden,

who told me to write it

Lexa Hillyer,

who made it better

and Sarah Sevier,

who saw it through

You may think youre fine, but youre not. If you dont want to talk about it right now, thats your decision. You have forty-three more days to talk about it. Do you have any more questions?

All I could do was sit there for a minute or two, watching him watch me. What do you mean I have forty-three more days? I asked him finally.

Youre in a forty-five day program, he told me. Youve been more or less awake for two days, counting today, which leaves you with forty-three more to go.

What kind of program? I said.

To determine the cause of your distress and work on your healing process, he told me like he was reading a brochure. Youll participate in individual counseling sessions with me and in group counseling with some of the other patients.

Other patients? I said. What other patients?

Other young people, Cat Poop told me. Youll meet some of them tomorrow.

Why? I asked. Are we having a sing-along?

I read somewhere that when astronauts come back to Earth after floating around in space they get sick to their stomachs because the air here smells like rotting meat to them. The rest of us dont notice the stink because we breathe it every day and to us it smells normal, but really the air is filled with all kinds of pollutants and chemicals and junk that we put into it. Then we spray other crap around to try and make it smell better, like the whole planet is someones old car and weve hung this big pine-scented air freshener from the rearview mirror.

I feel like those astronauts right now. For a while I was floating around in space breathing crystal-pure oxygen and talking to the Man in the Moon. Then suddenly everything changed and I was falling through the stars. I used to wonder what it would be like to be a meteor. Now I know. You fall and fall and fall, and then youre surrounded by clouds and your whole body tingles as it starts to burn up from the entry into the atmosphere. But youre falling so fast that it burns only for a second, and then the ocean comes rushing up at you and you laugh and laugh, until the water closes over your head and youre sinking. Then you know youre safeyouve survived the falland as you come back to the surface you blow millions of bubbles into the blue-green water.

Only then your head breaks through the waves and you suck in great breaths of stinking air and you want to die, like babies when they come out of their mothers and find out that they should have stayed inside where they were safe. Thats where I am now, floating in the ocean like a piece of space junk and trying not to throw up every time I breathe.

Im not really in the ocean, though. Im in the hospital. They say they brought me here last night, but I was totally out of it and dont remember anything. Actually, what I heard someone say was that I was kind of dead. Pretty close to dead, anyway.

I really do think I was flying around in space, though. At least for a little while. I remember thinking that Id finally find out whether anyone lives on Mars or not. Then it was like someone grabbed me by the foot and yanked me down, back toward Earth. I remember screaming that I didnt want to go, but since you cant make noise in space, my voice was just kind of eaten up.

Now that I know where I am, Im not so sure I wouldnt be better off just being dead.

And maybe I am dead. I mean, it does kind of feel like Hell around here. Im in this room with people checking in on me every five seconds. And by people I mean nurses, and in particular Nurse Goody. Can you believe that? Her name is actually Nurse Goody. And she is, too. Good, I mean. Shes always smiling and asking me if she can get me anything. Its really annoying, because all I want is to be left alone, and thats the last thing they seem to do here. So many people run in and out of this room, I feel like a tourist attraction. I bet Nurse Goody is standing outside the door selling tickets, like those guys at carnivals who try to get people to pay to see the freak show. Barkers, I think theyre called. Thats what Nurse Goody is, a barker. She stands outside my door and barks.

But its not like theres anything interesting in here. No television. No roommate (which actually, now that I think about it, is probably a good thing). Not even any magazines or books. Just me in bed looking out the window, which is the kind with wire running through the glass so you cant break it and jump out. The paint around the windows is all chipped, like maybe someone who was in here before me tried to break the window, then decided to claw their way out instead.

Now that I look at it, the whole room is kind of old-looking. The walls are this dirty white color, and there are some cracks in the plaster, and a weird brown spot on the ceiling that looks like a face. The Devils face, maybe. Because, like I said, I think I might be in Hell. It would make sense that he would be watching me. Him and Nurse Goody are watching me. Good and Evil.

Thats funny. Good and Evil. Maybe Im not in Hell. Maybe Im in that in-between place. What do they call it? Limbo. Where all the dead people go who dont have a go directly to Heaven or Hell card. Dead babies go there, too, I think. People no one knows what to do with, and dead babies. My kind of people.

Maybe Im in Limbo, and the Devil and Goody are fighting over me. Or waiting for me to make up my mind where I want to go. What would I pick, Heaven or Hell? Thats a good question. Seriously, I think I would pick Hell. The people there would probably be more interesting.

Come to think of it, it really is hot as Hell in here. Theres a radiator under the window, the big old metal kind that shakes whenever water goes through it. I guess its been working overtime. I swear, this place must be eleventy years old. Its like any minute now the whole building is going to fall apart. At least then I wouldnt be here.

Its raining, and the only thing I can see out the window is part of a forest. Since its winter, though, it looks less like a forest and more like a bunch of skeletons holding their hands up to the sky. The rain is running down the glass, making it look like the skeletons are under water. Drowning. Although if theyre skeletons, wouldnt they already be dead? So maybe theyre just swimming. Anyway, the skeleton trees are kind of freaking me out. Its looking more and more like this really is Hell. Maybe I should tell Goody shes in the wrong place.

Im really tired. The radiator is rattling, its hot in here, and my head hurts. I keep looking up at the Devils face, and I think hes laughing at me. I sort of wish Goody would come in and make him shut up. Maybe shes given up on me.

I know theyre hoping Ill say something about why I did what I did. So for the record: I just felt like it.

This just gets better and better.

It turns out I really am in the hospital. Not Limbo. Im pretty sure that it is Hell. Because Im not just in the hospital. Im in the mental ward. You know, where they keep the people who have sixteen imaginary friends living in their heads and cant stop picking invisible bugs off their bodies. Whackos. Nut-jobs. Total losers.

Im not crazy. I dont see what the big deal is about what happened. But apparently someone does think its a big deal because here I am. I bet it was my mother. She always overreacts.

They werent going to tell meyou know, about the mental ward thingbut I found out when Goody left my chart next to the bed while she went to get something at the desk. Someone should tell her that you really shouldnt leave something like that lying around if you dont want someone to look at it.

Anyway, I just happened to pick up the chart, because thats what I do when someone leaves something around and I want to know what it is, and right there on the top of the first page it said psychiatric ward. At first I figured it was someone elses file, but then I saw my name. Let me tell you something, seeing your name and psychiatric ward on the same piece of paper isnt the best way to start your day.