Kristin Levine - The Thing Im Most Afraid Of

The Jigsaw Jungle

The Paper Cowboy

The Lions of Little Rock

The Best Bad Luck I Ever Had

It was just a metal detector. You know, the normal kind they have at airports to make sure no one smuggles a gun or a bomb or an iguana onto a flight. Millions of people go through them every day without a problem: old people, babies, pregnant women. But I couldnt shake the feeling that it was actually a cancer-causing death trap.

Come on! youre probably saying. Everyone knows theyre safe.

But everyone used to think that X-ray machines at shoe stores were safe. My dad told me this story of how he took a bazillion photos of the bones in his foot one summer. And then that fall, his left baby toe got a wart, and he had to have surgery. Coincidence? I think not.

Okay, so maybe thats not the best example. In Doomsday Journal #2, page 14, I have a section on how warts are caused by viruses caught by touching contaminated surfaces, such as a locker-room flooror an X-ray machine used by every kid in town. And metal detectors dont use X-rays; they actually use non-ionizing radiation, but thats beside the point.

The point is, I wanted to go visit my father in Austria. Hed moved there four months earlier. I missed him. A lot. But if I wanted to see him, I had to walk through the metal detector.

Unfortunately, my brain overreacts sometimes. It tells me that many, many things are dangerous, and not things that lots of people think are scary, like making new friends or public speaking or math tests. Im actually okay with all of those. No, my brain tells me I should avoid certain things that most people believe are safe. Like metal detectors.

Of course, logically I understood my fear didnt make much sense. But I still didnt want to walk through that beeping monstrosity. I could practically see the rays zapping each person who walked through, mutating harmless freckles into skin cancer. The line got shorter and shorter. I started gulping down air, trying to catch my breath.

Are you all right, Becca? my mom asked.

She was flying to Austria with me. Not to see my fathertheyd been happily divorced for yearsbut so she could take a summer backpacking trip through Europe. I was glad she was traveling with me, but I was also a little embarrassed. I mean, I was twelve. I should have been able to get on a plane by myself. All I had to do was sit there. My friend Chrissy started flying to Atlanta by herself each summer to see her grandparents when she was eight. But we all knew there was no way Id be able to get on a plane alone.

Planes. Sometimes they crash and explode. No, I cant think about that now. I have to get through the metal detector first.

Yes, I squeaked. Im fine.

Mom knew I was lying. She took my hand and squeezed it. It was clammy and cold. I tried to distract myself, like Dr. Teresa told me to do. Focus on Austria. Austria. The Sound of Music. Happy children frolicking in the Alps. Doe, a deer, a female deer... and... and...

Suddenly, we were at the front of the line. Mom moved smoothly and efficiently, like a cat, carefully putting her purse and backpack onto the conveyor belt. My joints felt stiff, my arms and legs suddenly too long, as I struggled to pull off my backpack and place it in the bin. I lumbered back to our spot in line, as if I were Pinocchio right after he came to life.

Do you want to go first, sweetie? Mom asked.

I shook my head.

Come on, maam, the guard called. Please step on through.

Mom squeezed my hand one last time and walked away. A moment later, she was through. My mom stood ten feet in front of me, her black slacks job-interview crisp, her dark hair as sleek as if she had just come from a salon. We were separated only by a stupid metal gate, but it felt as if she were a million miles away.

Kid! The guard sounded less patient now. Youre clear to walk through. I had pulled my curly hair back into a ponytail, but I could feel how wisps in front had fallen out and were now sticking to my forehead. There was sweat running down the small of my back; it was July and hot outside but so cold in the airport the air-conditioned air made my teeth hurt. And my heart was beating louder than a jet engine. I kept gasping for air, but I couldnt seem to get any oxygen. I started to feel dizzy.

Come on! There was a teenager behind me, clutching a skateboard. He rolled his eyes. Youre holding up the line!

I saw my mom gesture to the guard and whisper something to him. I stared at my Keds. I knew what she was saying. My daughter has an anxiety disorder. Sometimes she has panic attacks and... It was so embarrassing!

The boy behind me gave me a push. I stumbled and almost fell, and by the time I regained my footing, I realized I had taken the few steps through the metal detector and it was over.