Philip Siegel - The Break-Up Artist

Couples are made to be broken.

Thats what my sister, Diane, told me when I started my business, and she knows better than anyone. Dont get duped like I did, Becca, she said almost a year ago, as she shoved her wedding dress into a garbage bag. Shed had it designed to look like Kate Middletons, lace sleeves and everything. Its a shame nobody saw her wear it.

We all like to think that theres one person out there who will rescue us from the tower, slide the glass slipper onto our foot, brush away our one falling tear and tell us if theres six more weeks of winter. Or something like that. But thats not how the real world works. Just ask the cheating boyfriends and girlfriends I have to deal with on a far-too-regular basis.

Back in olden times, people were up front about why they took the plunge. For land, for money, for children. Marriage was a business contract. Thats how it started, anyway. Farmers would marry off their sons and daughters in order to double their acreage. Societys first corporate merger. Next were dowries, where brides came with a down payment. But history, as it always happens, was rewritten. The truth was washed away like a house in a flood, and in its place sprouted one vague excuse: love.

People use that word to go around and do what they please. They dont have to worry about who gets hurt because its all in the name of love. Love has no rules, no boundaries. Its gone all these years unchecked. That doesnt make it whimsical; that makes it a tyrant.

I may not be an angel in all this, but Im certainly not the bad guy either. If you cant handle my line of work, then go read the latest bodice ripper. Ill leave you with this: How many lives have been ruined because of love?

Whos really the bad guy here?

Calista McTiernan looks away from the screen. Tears form in her eyes. The levees about to break. I wish I could reach through my computer monitor and give her a hug. I hear these stories too often.

Ever since they started dating, Baris become a totally different person. Dereks favorite band is U2, and now magically its hers, too. Derek is into politics, and now Bari is watching CNN religiously. I laughed it off because she acted this way with her last boyfriend. But then... Calista shakes her head.

But then what? I ask in my best British accent, looking directly into my webcam.

Then she dyed her hair brown, she started dressing like some J. Crew mannequin, and this week she quit cheerleading. Her blond locks fan around her pea-sized head. Her hairs the same shade as mine, but hers is real.

People change. It happens.

Yeah, but this isnt the same. Dereks making her do this. He told her he thinks blondes are trashy, and he didnt want some slutty cheerleader girlfriend visiting him at Princeton next year. He said that. To her face!

He did? Derek Kelley has been student council president for three years, and what little power the Student Government Associationaka the SGAholds has gone to his head. He seems friendly in the halls, but guys are just as capable of being fake nice as girls.

Bari said he was joking around, but Im not laughing.

Have you tried talking to her about it? I can already guess the answer.

She says she isnt into cheerleading anymore and shes never felt like a blonde. Calista rubs her forehead, and I can feel her concern through the screen. Everything that made her Bari is disappearing.

I lean closer in my chair, all business, and hold Calistas attention. So, you want me to do this?

Calista squeezes a fresh set of tears from her eyes. I instinctively reach for the Kleenex box on my desk, forgetting were on Skype. My best friend is pushing me away. You dont know what thats like.

I do, I want to tell her. My eyes wander to the floor and the pair of golden ballet slippers next to my desk. Its like a hole through your heart that can never be filled. A part of you that is missing forever. I should throw the slippers out like Ive done with the rest of my memories from that train wreck of a friendship, but I wont. I never do. I keep them here, in plain sight, a perpetual reminder of why I do this.

I force my attention back to the screen. I can never get personal. One misspoken word, one accidental truth, and I give myself away.

I told her I didnt think Derek was treating her well, Calista says.

And what did she say?

Calista stares at the screen, her bottom lip quivering. Only the hissing of her radiator fills my speaker.

She said, You just dont understand because youre single. Tears stream down Calistas cheeks. She buries her face in her knee to compose herself.

I clench my lips together. I have to remind myself to stay strong for my client. She can fall apart, but I have to make things right. Blood rushes to my face in frustration, coloring me the same shade as this shapeless graduation robe Im wearing.

Calista continues, I feel like if Derek had his way, shed never talk to any of her friends again. Especially me.

My raccoon mask conceals my raised eyebrows. Ive seen Bari and Calista joined at the hip since elementary school. They once tried convincing our classmates that they were cousins. (I fell for it.) They seemed to have one of those bertight friendship bonds that I thought would survive the dating world. Then again, Id thought I had that, too. But now I know that once people get into relationships, friendsand rational thoughtget tossed aside.

Its a good thing you came to me, I say.

You seriously can break them up?

I have a perfect track record.

How?

My methods are proprietary and confidential.

What does that mean?

It means Im really, really good, and youll just have to trust me. I catch my reflection in the screen. Im shocked anyones been able to take me seriously in this disguise. I look like an escaped mental patient, but thats better than looking like myself. Luckily, my work speaks for itself.

Its not going to be easy. I think theyve already said I love you to each other.

Ill take my chances, I say. Why do my classmates believe that saying those three words automatically protects a couple? Theyre not relationship insurance. Theyre just words, and if people actually meant them, then I would be out of a job. Bari and Derek are a couple destined for flame out. Im just speeding up the inevitable. And if I can save Bari before shes permanently under Dereks thumb, so much the better.

Before we go forward, I want you to be certain about this.

She gets so quiet I can hear the static crackling in the background. II dont know.

A minute ago you were devastated.

I know. But... Calista hugs her chopstick legs into her chest. I wonder if shes one of those girls who stays skinny no matter how much she eats. This seems kind of severe. I dont know, and maybe a little petty, too?

I clench my jaw. When was the last time she called or texted you just to say hi?

Calista ponders this. She shrugs her shoulder.

So you think its fair that shes cutting you out of her life? Just because she has a boyfriend? I ask calmly.

No. But Derek

Derek hasnt mastered the art of mind control. Shes choosing all of this. To disappear. To change. To stop being friends with you. Itd be nice if Bari suddenly came to her senses, but thats not going to happen, and you know it, I say. Blunt, but not untrue. So now heres where you chooseare you going to let her continue on this path uninterrupted or are you going to do something about it?

So you really will break them up? she asks between sniffles.

For a hundred dollars via PayPal I can. The wheels begin turning in my head. I flash Calista a warm smile, telling her I got this. Maybe I can salvage this friendship. No girl should have to live through a best friend cutting her out of her life.