Clint Edwards - Im Sorry...Love, Your Husband: Honest, Hilarious Stories From a Father of Three Who Made All the Mistakes (and Made up for Them)

HONEST, HILARIOUS STORIES
FROM A FATHER OF THREE WHO MADE
ALL THE MISTAKES (AND MADE UP FOR THEM)

WRITER FOR SCARY MOMMY

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FOR TRISTAN, NORAH AND ASPEN:

Someday I want you to read this, so you will know that although I often told you I knew everything, you will realize that I honestly and truly didnt.

Mawage.

Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today.

Mawage, that bwessed awangment,

that dweam wifin a dweam.

THE PRINCESS BRIDE

Okay, I lied to you. This isnt a chapter. Its actually the preface to the book. Perhaps I shouldnt start a book with a lie, so Im sorry. I apologize. Please forgive me. Ill never do it again. But heres the thing. Preface is such a boring title, and I dont think anyone reads the preface of any book. But that doesnt mean this preface, my preface, isnt important, because it is. So I lied. Just a small one. An insignificant, no-big-deal, you-can-still-love-me lie. If I told you that I had a three-headed dog, youd realize that I didnt as soon as you got into the circus tent. But, hey. Stay and look around, because you are about to meet the biggest circus in the history of ever my family.

OK, wait. Perhaps I am exaggerating. Which isnt a lie exactly. Its a bending of the truth. My family is actually pretty normal. I think. I hope. Mel and I have been married since 2004. We have three kids, Tristan (the know it all), Norah (the snarky princess), and Aspen (the worst roommate ever). All of them are amazing and frustrating and completely overwhelming.

I dont really know what Im doing as a father and husband, so I apologize a lot. But, honestly, does anyone know what they are doing? I doubt it. And dont look online for answers. No familys house is as clean as their Facebook pictures show. They just move the laundry pile to another chair, out of view, along with the Play-Doh and Pokmon cards. And no ones children are all that respectful, regardless of how perfect their parenting is. Sometimes the children are sweet. But sometimes theyre jerks, too. Just like everyone else. And there is, in fact, no official parenting manual, because raising a family is actually a million gears turning in a million different directions, all of them covered in sour milk.

So, yeah, sometimes it feels like Im running a circus. In fact, as Im writing this preface, Aspen is sucking milk from her sippy cup and spitting it at the TV. Its her new thing. We are working through it.

Okay, I lied again. Im sorry. Shes actually at daycare. Probably spitting milk at their TV.

Are you mad I lied again? Oh, come on. Dont you think youre overreacting? Sorry. Scratch that.

Family, marriage, all of it, has caused me to make some mistakes. A lot of them, actually. Ive said a lot of things I shouldnt have said, like, Dont you think youre overreacting?.

(Sorry again about that.)

Ive felt guilty over everything from getting flaming pissed because my son farted on me, to letting him blow all of his birthday money, to my messy house, to missing all the naps. But ultimately, much of parenting and marriage is about mistakes and apologies and feeling inadequate. (Im sorry, but its true.) Its about recognizing when youre wrong, saying youre sorry, learning from your mistakes, and hoping and praying that you didnt just screw up your child for life or lose your spouse. And when I think about all this, I realize that perhaps it was best for me to start this book with a mistakeand an apology.

It makes sense, doesnt it?

Although, I will say it: Moms are rock stars. Mel is the most amazing woman I know. She is smart and driven and, most importantly, she calls me on my crap in ways that infuriate me in the moment but help me realize that she loves me enough to try to make me a better husband and father. What could be more loving than that?

Perhaps I should have titled this book Listen to Your Wife.

No I like my first title.

Going into marriage, I didnt see our arguments as a show of love. It took me years to see it that way. Even now, I struggle to see my own shortcomings. But thats being human, right? So Im going to talk Mel up, because shes the most wonderful thing in my life.

Hands down.

I hope you dont mind.

Mel has made mistakes, too, though. No doubt about it. But those are her stories, and these are mine. Someday she might write a book titled Im Sorry Love, Your Wife. But right now, these are my apologies; these are my mistakes.

So buckle up.

If you are a wife and mother reading this, I know you will see a lot of similarities between your husband, my dumbassery and Mels frustrations. And if you are a father and husband reading this, hopefully you can learn from my mistakes and better understand that although marriage and family is life changing in the most frustrating ways, it is all completely worth it. And if you are a child reading this, I hope you asked your parents permission, because it might freak you out and cause you to never get married and/or have children. This book is a real and honest look at the fact that raising you little turds is the most difficult thing in the history of ever. But that doesnt make it bad; it makes parenting worth it.

And if you are a fan of No Idea What Im Doing: A Daddy Blog (my site), or if you are one of the bazillion people who follow me on social media and have been grooving to the articles Ive written for Scary Mommy, the Washington Post, Babble and the many other places Ive contributed to over the years, you might see a few things you recognize. Some of these chapters were inspired by work I did elsewhere, and I decided to expand them here. It was one of the most exciting parts about writing this book. Online, I am usually left cramming my ideas into 1,000 words or less. But with a book, that rule goes out the window. Its been awesome to expand, mix and weave some of those essays that hit home online, but I felt needed much, much more. Theres a lot of new stuff too, so dont worry. You are going to love it!

If you are new to my writing and to the Edwards family, dont you worry at all. You are about to feel a lot better about your marriage and your parenting, because, trust me, I dont know what the hell Im doing either.

I was building shelves in the garage when our neighbor girl, one of my four-year-old daughters nosy friends, approached me and said, I just saw in your house. Its pretty dirty. Norahs mommy needs to clean more.

She was a curly-haired, blond-headed little five-year-old in jeans and a brightly colored T-shirt who often ventured from her yard into ours. When I say often, I mean several times a day. We lived in a small neighborhood in rural Oregon, population 1,600. Kids didnt wander neighborhoods like they did when I was a kid back in the 80s, when we went from house to house, sometimes miles from home, looking for someone to play with. But they definitely ventured a house or two over. The house next to us was a rental, and thats where this girl was living. She was one of two families whod ended up living next to us over the past couple of years, and this wasnt the first time shed peeked in our windows. She had a nasty habit of doing that, regardless of the day and time.