Clint Edwards - Silence is a Scary Sound: And Other Stories on Living Through the Terrible Twos and Threes

And Other Stories on Living Through the

Terrible Twos and Threes

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You are the reason for, and the reason I regret, my vasectomy.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you dont have a top for it.

-Jerry Seinfeld

My favorite time as a parent was that sweet spot where our baby could sit up but not crawl, or walk, or talk. I could put him in one place. He couldnt run away, he couldnt get into mischief, and he couldnt talk back. As long as I gave the child a few things he could safely stick in his mouth, he was good for hours. But then he started to move, jabber on, and boom! My life was over.

Was that too harsh?

Perhaps theres a better way to phrase it?

Thinking.

Thinking.

Nope, sorry.

Youre screwed.

The moment a child begins to walk, your life begins to end. And once they can turn on the TV in the morning, your life begins again. But right there, in the heart of it all, are the twos, threes, and foursand they are exhausting, and confusing, and hilarious, and this book is one father trying to make sense of it all. Its a collection of essays, lists, epiphanies, exaggerations, and lunatic ramblings from a father of three laughing at a train wreck. Oh and poop. Theres also a lot of poop in here. But honestly, how could I write a book about toddlers without it? If all the toddlers in the world were artists, poop would be their medium.

Mel and I have been married since 2004, and we have three children, Tristan, Norah, and Aspen. Not to state the obvious, but they were all two, three, and four once. And it sucked. Each and every time it sucked. It sucked bad, in ways that I didnt know sucking could suck so much. (Im sorry, that was a lot of sucks used in one sentence, but I wasnt aware of another word that fits life with a toddler better than sucks.)

Okay, hold on. This introduction is going off the rails a bit. Lets get back on track, because honestly, my goal with this book is to bring you hope.

Im all about hope when it comes to raising children.

Ive been spreading hope online for years. Im the author of the popular and hilarious daddy blog No Idea What Im Doing, and Im a staff writer for the very awesome Scary Mommy. Ive written about parenting for the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Huffington Post, and a bazillion other publications. My breakout hit, Im Sorry Love, Your Husband, made a pregnant woman laugh so hard she went into labor (this is not an exaggeration; she sent me a Facebook message about it). In fact, some of the chapters in this book were inspired by work I published on my blog and other places Ive published my writing. This is one of the things I like the most about writing books. I get the opportunity to add all those details I always wanted to in the original but that would have made it too long for an online post. (The internet aint nobody got time for more than a thousand words.) So if you see something you recognize, thats cool. You probably read it online. But keep reading, because its only going to get better.

Trust me.

My breakout hit, Im Sorry Love, Your Husband, made a pregnant woman laugh so hard she went into labor (this is not an exaggeration; she sent me a Facebook message about it).

This book will make you feel so much better about living with a toddler.

How do I know this?

Because Im happy to announce that I am done with the toddler years. I dont say this to make those of you in the throes of managing a booger-eating, two-foot-tall gangster with a passion for taking off their pants feel bad. I say it because:

I survived and you will too.

Dont roll your eyes.

You will laugh again.

Probably while reading this book.

Hopefully.

(My wife thinks Im funny )

For me, the toddler years were nonstop chaos with short, tender moments where Id hope that my child was appreciating me.

At least, I assumed as much because he gave me a sweet smile, or a soft touch, or perhaps he threw up on the tile instead of the carpet, which, Im sorry, actually feels like a sweet sentiment when youre in the thick of it.

For me, the toddler years were nonstop chaos with short, tender moments where Id hope that my child was appreciating me.

Thats how much toddlers lower your standards.

I can still recall the moment my oldest first used the potty. Hed just turned three. I was standing over him in the restroom. He sat there with his little legs dangling seven inches above the floor, Toy Story underwear around his ankles. He looked up at me with the softest, sweetest little smile that seemed to say, Thank you. Or at least thats what I told myself it said. It helps to make assumptions that make it appear like your toddler appreciates all your hard work.

I must admit, though, in all seriousness, I felt a huge sense of satisfaction in that moment, like Id really shown my son something important, because I had.

As a father of toddlers, I spent so much time asking, Why?

Little victories like that make it all worth it.

But now, looking back, I can say that in the moment, those victories were maddening, but they really werent that horrible. Sure, toddlers are frustrating, loud little humans with a lot of developmental issues, and poop issues, and body fluid issues (frankly, all their valves are bad), but its the reality of accepting that they are developing that will make this whole endeavor a little more bearable.