Laditan - Toddlers are a**holes: its not your fault

toddlers are a**holes

{Its Not Your Fault}

By Bunmi Laditan

WORKMAN PUBLISHING NEW YORK

This book is dedicated to my adorable assholes.

Despite making my hair fall out, I think we have a good thing going.

Contents

About the Author

Bunmi Laditan is a regular contributor to Parenting.com, Mothering.com, iVillage.com, and The Huffington Post, and has appeared on Good Morning America and CBS Sunday Morning. She lives with her family outside of Montreal.

She is the humorist behind the social media phenomenon The Honest Toddler, with 371,000 likes on Facebook and 303,000 followers on Twitter. Her newer Facebook feed for Toddlers are A**holes has 25,000 followers - and growing.

Dear Reader,

Whether youre reading this by the light of your phone while locked in the closet or in the car as your toddler snores behind you: Welcome.

Theres a reason toddlers are at peak cuteness. Its because Nature knows that toddlerhood is when you are most likely to take your child to a public park and leave him there with a note that says, Im a little shit and they couldnt take it anymore.

Toddler assholery is a normal part of human development. Its like puberty but focuses mainly on throwing food on the floor and taking swings at people who pay your way.

Toddlers are assholes. They just are. Remind yourself of this the next time your two-year-old tosses a full bowl of oatmeal across the room. The oatmeal he cried for. The oatmeal you dragged your sleep-deprived ass out of bed at 4:45 a.m. to make.

Remind yourself of this when youre about to judge your stay-at-home spouse for the mess in the living room. Hes been under house arrest with a little asshole all day.

When you feel tempted to ask your friend with a three-year-old why she doesnt call you or hang out anymore, remember that shes being held hostage. Offer to babysit while she roams Target for several hours, eating popcorn and sipping a Frappuccino.

I hope you enjoy this book. Go fill up your wineglass. You deserve it.

xo Bunmi Laditan
(aka Sopha King Tyerd)

P.S. Who is Sopha King Tyerd? Sopha King Tyerd is the parent who usually comes out between 10:00 p.m. and 5:00 a.m. Shes not interested in impressing other parents or putting on airs. She might walk around for hours with a sticker on her ass and her shirt inside out. Shes definitely the mom who forgets its picture day and shows up to school drop-off looking like an extra from Les Misrables.

She loves her kids and is just trying to get through the hard times without losing her mind. Shes too exhausted to be anything but blunt. Shes Sopha King Tyerd. So fucking tired. Shes who I became when I stopped pretending that I had it all under control and realized that raising kids isnt about perfection, holiday cards, or Pinterest meals. Its about experiencing the ups and the downs with the people who mean the most to you in the world.

Im definitely Sopha King Tyerd and bet that you are, too.

What Is a Toddler? And Other Frequently Asked Questions

What Is a Toddler?

A toddler is a cross between a sociopath, a rabid animal, a cocker spaniel, a demon, and an angel. Depending on the time of day and when your toddlers last meal was, you will see all of these sides.

The Average Toddlers Schedule:

3:00 a.m. Wake up with a cry so loud that it sends a rush of adrenaline through your parents body, causing significant and permanent damage to her central nervous system.

3:01 a.m. Demand breakfast at decibel levels more suitable for raves and political protests.

3:02 a.m. Laugh in your parents face as she tries to get you back to sleep.

3:03 a.m. Eat a NutriGrain bar on the living room floor while your parent sits slumped over on the couch trying not to cry.

3:04 a.m. Spiral kick your way through a diaper change.

3:05 a.m. Wail for no reason and demand television.

3:07 a.m. Crumble NutriGrain bar in your hand and smash it into your hair with a crazy look in your eyes.

3:15 a.m. Watch cartoons with the sleeve of Ritz crackers your parent threw at you in desperation.

4:00 a.m. Pee on the floor.

4:15 a.m. Briefly fall asleep.

4:45 a.m. Wake up angry about falling asleep.

5:00 a.m. Cry in your parents ear while jumping on her breasts.

7:00 a.m. Snack time. Eat almost none of it.

8:00 a.m. Nap because, yes, you woke up that fucking early.

9:00 a.m. More TV because your parent cant deal with you.

10:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Destroy the house or day care. Make it look like a FEMA-neglected natural disaster area. Nap sporadically.

5:00 p.m. Get thrown at whichever parent is having the most manageable panic attack.

6:00 p.m. Ruin dinner for everyone.

7:00 p.m. Go batshit crazy about bath/brushing teeth/pajamas. Its important to act like this is your first time going through the bedtime routine.

9:00 p.m. Pass out.

To a sanctiparent (see box below), this will look insane. Regular parents of toddlers recognize this as their life.

Note to Sanctiparents: Shut the fuck up. Nobody wants to hear your strategies for dealing with your perfect children who wear $300 European designer tunics and shit rainbows and gold coins. When we want to hear your amazing disciplinary techniques, well ask. Go ahead and keep Instagramming your familys meals of figs, brown rice, breast-milk lentil soup, and homemade goat cheese from your free-range backyard talking goats. But if you humblebrag one more time about how your toddler has been sleeping through the night since he was four minutes old, were going to pull that stick out of your ass and beat you with it. P.S. Keep pretending on Facebook that youre a perfect parent, but, remember, some of us know you in real life.

What Do Toddlers Want?

Your soul. Just kidding. Toddlers want whatever pops into their heads at any given moment. The problem is, these thoughts dont stop. This is why even though your toddler specifically asked for crackers, in the time it takes you to walk to the kitchen, pull the crackers out of the pantry, put the crackers on a plate, and walk back to your toddler, he now wants a piece of toast in the shape of Jay Lenos chin. Did I mention that he is also heartbroken and furious that you have presented him with disgusting offensive crackers that have no meaning to him? These crackers are no longer just crackers. They represent his frustration with having a parent who cant meet his needs. Your child might feel the need to remove all of his clothing and cry on the floor for twenty minutes, ultimately pissing himself, even though youre late for work. WELCOME TO TODDLERHOOD.