Adam Rex - Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story

DOUG CAME TO , lying on his back in what felt and smelled like a field. A gray, milky sky gaped over him. He took it in too quickly and fluttered his eyes.

Why was he on his back in a field? What was wrong with his chest? This last thought came suddenly as he sensed something pressing down on him. He lifted his head, and for a kaleidoscopic moment glimpsed the wooden stake in his heart before his vision swam black and his head hit the dirt again.

Oh yeah, he whispered. Forgot.

You keep passing out, said a voice. You wake up, look at the stake, pass out again. But shouldnt you be dead? I thought a stake through the heart was supposed to kill you.

It seems like a good wheezed Doug, guess to me.

High above, a crooked line of birds perforated the lightening sky. It was very cold.

I thinkI think sometimes you think youre the hero of the story, and sometimes you think youre the victim, said the voice. But youre not either.

D OUG SAID, Hi, and the girl turned. The perfect girl with red hair and a nearly empty cup of yellow beer turned and looked at him. He tried to relax his eyes, take all of her in at oncethe blue belly shirt, the bottomless cleavagewithout appearing to ogle. He didnt know her or practically anyone else at the party. She didnt know him. She wouldnt have any reason not to talk to him.

She found a reason. Lookit was all there on her face. Shed seen through his disguisethe hair gel, the too-tight shirt from Apparel Conspiracy. He was a completely surprising form of life, something that should not be at a party, shouldnt be addressing her. A gorilla maybe, frantically signing Koko want kitten. Koko want kitten.

What? she said. Not superinviting.

Hey. Im Doug.

She seemed hesitant to give her name, like she might get it back with gunk on it. But then, Carrie. My friends coming right back.

Thatscool. So what school do you go to? he asked. Not that he knew any schools in San Diego.

Garfield, said the girl, but as she did so she arched her neck to look over his shoulder. Her long, soft, beautiful neck.

Koko want kitten.

Itskind of crowded in here, said Doug. Dont you think? You want to go outside? Get some fresh air?

Im waiting for my friend, said the girl. And then her whole posture relaxed, and a sudden brightness in her eyes told Doug that shed just seen this friend, the friend was close, like the friend had just pressed the button on her key chain that made the headlights flash and the locks pop.

Just for a second, said Doug. Really quick. I want to show you something.

Ew.

No, its not likeJust trust meCome outsideIts totally amazing

The friend was back. The friend was right there, and Doug heard himself say, Im a vampire.

Both girls stared at him for an airless moment, possibly deciding how they were going to take this. Funny or Scary? Funny or Scary?

A creature of the night, Doug continued. Cursed like Cain to wander

Arent you a little fat for a vampire? asked the friend.

Funny it is, then . Doug sighed. I guess.

Oh, my god, are you one of those comics convention people? asked the friend. Paul said there wouldnt be too many of them.

Look, sorry, said the girl, the girl whose name Doug had to admit had already escaped his mind. Im here with my friend. Maybe someone else will go see your comic book thing. They turned to leave.

I wasnt trying to show you a comic book! said Doug as he followed them. Im a vampire! Im a fat vampire, okay? I was trying to lose weight before I got bitten. Now Im screwed.

The girl faced him. A second or so later her friend realized she was walking all by herself. She clucked her tongue and came back.

Why are you screwed? asked the girl.

This was something. Not really the topic Doug wanted to talk about, but at least they were talking.

Imcursed, said Doug. He was going to have to come up with another word for cursed. For all eternity, always alone, never able to quench my dark

No, he could see in her face he was losing her. Something else.

Look, he said, vampires dont change, right? Im never going to get any older, and Ill always look like this. Short. Doughy. You know I havent had anything to eat or drink except blood for the last month? And nothing. No change. If I cant lose weight on an all-blood diet

So is that why you wanted me to go outside with you? You were going to attack me?

No! No, I

You were going to drink my blood?

Doug dropped his eyes, but then he was just staring at her bare belly, at the hypnotic whorl of her navel that would certainly bewitch him, make him stupid with want. He glanced to her right and noticed a few bystanders were listening, their conversations ebbing away. Beautiful people with faces like flowers, turning slowly to bask in someone elses blazing embarrassment.

Only if you wanted me

What? said the friend. We CANT HEAR YOU.

Only if you wanted me to, said Doug. I just wouldve showed you my fangs and thenmaybe youd be, you knowwhen he finished the thought it was barely thereinto it.

Okay, time to go, said a really tall guy who came out of nowhere. He grabbed Dougs arm and escorted him, backward, stumbling, toward the door.

Dont be too mean to him, the girl called after them. He didnt do anything.

Dont be too mean to him , thought Doug. Not TOO mean. He was fifteen years old, he would always be fifteen years old, and it was possibly the nicest thing any girl would ever say about him.

Doug dug in his heels. Wait, he said. I cant leave without my friend. I dragged him here.

His escort appeared speechless that Doug had been able to stop their momentum at all. Another tall, good-looking teenager had to step up to the plate.

Fuck, there are more of you? he said. Wheres your friend?

Probably hiding in a bathroom.

This second guy went off to look, leaving the first to stand there and hold Dougs arm and glare.

Look, you can let me go, said Doug. Im not going to turn into a bat or anything.

Heh. What? Shut up.

Seriously. Ill leave as soon as my friend gets here.

I think you can let him go, said someone new.

Dougs escort let him go. Whatever. Your house, Paul.

Oh, said Doug to the new kid. Youre Paul. Nice party.

Thanks. How did you find out about it?

I found a flyer at the convention center. At the pre-con party. It was under Stan Lees foot.

Someone mustve dropped one, said Paul. Sorry, it was more of an invite-only thing.

I didnt know.

Just then Jay appeared with a tall guy holding each arm.

Here he is, one of them said. People in the bathroom line said hed been in there a half hour.

Doug glanced at his watch. That sounded about right.

Outside, Doug and Jay shuffled through wet grass, aware of the gazes of two or three guys standing guard on the front porch to make sure they didnt double back, sneak in through a window, slide down the chimney. Crash the party and get dork all over everything.

Dont take this the wrong way, said Jay as they reached the car, but that would have been a great moment for you to turn into a wolf or command rats or something.

Yeah. And then you could have gone and done recon in the bathroom again. Everything secure in there? Did they have enough guest towels?

Jay didnt reply.

They drove off into the dark street.

I have to feed soon! said Doug. I feel like Im starving and going crazy at the same time. Im cursdamned! Im damned to forever yearn for thevile

Vile crimson ichor? offered Jay.

No. For the vilefor the sweet, vile Doug trailed off. Damn it, vile crimson ichor had been pretty good.

Will you die? asked Jay. If you dontfeed? Will you die again?