Al Franken - Lies & the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair & Balanced Look at the Right

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First printing, September 2003
Electronic edition, September 2003

Copyright Al Franken, Inc., 2003
Operation Chickenhawk and Supply Side Jesus illustrations copyright 2003 by Don Simpson
TeamFranken photo Martha Stewart
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Also by Al Franken

Im Good Enough, Im Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!

Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations

Why Not Me?
The Inside Story of the Making and Unmaking of the Franken Presidency

Oh, the Things I Know!
A Guide to Success, or, Failing That, Happiness

To my wife, Franni, whos been screaming about this stuff for years and believed in the book. I love you so much. And even more importantly, you love me.

Although I wrote this book in a spirit of dispassionate inquiry, I cannot expect my critics to respond in kind. My right-wing detractors will undoubtedly tell you that Im an obnoxious prick, a smug asshole, and a clear and present threat to our national security. I will not stoop to dignify such calumny with a response, except to say that Condoleezza Rice should watch her mouth.

More imaginative critics might charge that, like Newt Gingrich, [I] had an affair with a Supreme Court justice. This kind of attack, which is totally irrelevant to the political content of this book, exposes how desperate my enemies have become. As the great Joseph Welch said to Joe McCarthy, Have you no sense of decency, sir? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?

Unlike Senator McCarthy and his intellectual heirs, Ann Coulter and Howard Stern, I do have a sense of decency. And that is why Ive decided to reveal a dirty little secret about this book that my critics are too lazy and stupid to figure out on their own. I acknowledgeno, I proudly acknowledgethat I did not write this book alone.

No author ever writes a book entirely by himself. That would be impossible. Just ask Dennis Rodman or John Updike. Like making a movie or building a long suspension bridge, writing a book is very much a team effort. And that is why I think its important to state clearly, right up front, the methodology used to research this book, and to give credit to the ragtag bunch of Harvard misfits Ive come to affectionately call TeamFranken.

It all started when Harvards Kennedy School of Government asked me to serve as a fellow at its Shorenstein Center on the Press, Politics, and Public Policy. After my varied and celebrated career in television, movies, publishing, and the lucrative world of corporate speaking, being a fellow at Harvard seemed, frankly, like a step down.

I couldnt think of anything less appealing than molding the minds of tomorrows leaders, unless it was spending fireside evenings sipping sherry with great minds at the Faculty Club. Yawn.

To my surprise and delight, though, all Harvard wanted me to do was show up every once in a while and write something about something. That gave me an idea.

Would it be okay if I wrote a scathingly partisan attack on the right-wing media and the Bush administration?

No problem, Harvard said absentmindedly.

Count me in, I replied. From now on call me Professor Franken.

No, Harvard said, youre not a professor. But you can run a study group on the topic of your choosing.

Great, I said. Ive got the perfect topic: Write My Sons Harvard College Application Essay.

No, they said. Harvard students already know how to write successful Harvard applications, Al. We want you to teach them something new.

Harvard was right where I wanted it. How about if the topic is: How to Research My Book?

Sure, Harvard said. Most of our professors teach that course. Why, in the Biochemistry department, most of the graduate level courses are

Harvard was boring me. I gotta run, Harvard. Thanks.

F rom among the seven hundred students who applied for my study group, I chose fourteen intellectual heavyweights. Some undergraduates, some from the prestigious Kennedy School of Government, and one from the Harvard School of Dentistry, just in case. This was TeamFranken. Like the X-Men, each had his own special power. And each had a story.

There was Bridger McGaw, a Gore campaign veteran still sore from getting burned in Florida. Madhu Chugh, with a mind as insatiable as her name is unpronounceable. Emmy Berning, an ultra-feminist with a stunning rsumand a figure to match. Ben Kane and Ben Wikler, the Bens, TeamFrankens gay gladiators, whose fierce love for each other fueled their ceaseless advocacy of justice for gays, lesbians, the transgendered, bisexuals, and man-on-dog enthusiasts, such as Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum. And the rest.

There were fourteen in all. Tough, smart, and deeply committed to coming to my Cambridge apartment once a week to eat a delicious hot meal cooked by my wife, Franni.

I felt like I had fourteen children. My fourteen Harvard research assistants. And like every good parent, I loved each in a different way. Some I loved like the irrepressibly mischievous child who doesnt do his homework. Others I loved like the good, deserving child who does all of his homework, mows the lawn, and ghostwrites the chapters. And still others I loved more than the rest, the way a parent secretly chooses favorites and undermines the self-confidence of the others.

No, I wasnt a perfect leader. But what counts for me, and I hope for you, the reader, is that this book brings to a new level the politics of personal destruction that have come to define our era. Because with fourteen researchers, I could do something that my targets seem incapable of doingget my facts straight. Nothing highlighted the need for painstaking research and fact-checking more than the hiring process itself, which I had conducted on the basis of hearsay and guesswork. For example, the Bens turned out not to be gay. And one, Owen, wasnt even named Ben.

Thanks to TeamFranken, you can rest assured that almost every fact in this book is correct. Either that, or its a joke. If you think youve found something that rings untrue, youve probably just missed a hilarious joke, and should blame yourself rather than me or TeamFranken.

Enjoy.

God chose me to write this book.

Just the fact that you are reading this is proof not just of Gods existence, but also of His/Her/Its beneficence. Thats right. I am not certain of Gods precise gender. But I am certain that He/She/It chose me to write this book.