Michael Kun - Football Uncyclopedia: A Highly Opinionated Myth-Busting Guide to Americas Most Popular Game

To our wives
And all of your wives

response to

In the past several months, I have conducted an admittedly unscientific study relating to reading. That study demonstrates rather conclusively that no oneand I mean no one reads the introduction to a book. Everyoneand I mean everyone just flies right past the introduction and heads for the first entry.

At the same time, you should know that most publishers expect authors to write an introduction. It doesnt matter if it is complete gibberish, it just has to be there.

So, knowing that youre not going to read this, but also knowing that this must nevertheless be done in order to satisfy our publisher, I would now like to present the following chart as our introduction to this book:

We hope you will agree with that analysis, knowing full well that you did not read a word of it. And we hope you will enjoy the book.

We originally wrote it with ketchup on pages made out of ham.

And no one will ever question whether that statement is true.

Because no one will read this introduction.

Except maybe our publisher.

And thats a big maybe .

(MK)

There was once a running back named Sharmon Shah, who played for UCLA in the early 1990s. He was a two-time team MVP and the holder of numerous school records, yet relatively little attention was paid to this prolific runner.

Then in 1995, Shah converted to Islam and was given a new name.

That name? Karim Abdul-Jabbar.

Did I mention that he was a student at UCLA?

Oh, and that he wore the number 33?

For those readers who arent fans of the NBA or college basketball, there happens to be a Hall of Fame center named Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who just so happened to wear the number 33 and who just so happened to play his college ball at UCLA (although he was then known by his birth name of Lew Alcindor).

Naturally, the newly christened Karim Abdul-Jabbar started to get a lot more attention when he went back to campus for his senior year. People were intrigued by this fascinating coincidence. Many assumed that he wore 33 as a tribute to the former Lakers legend. (Not true. He wore it as a tribute to former Dallas running back Tony Dorsett.) Others assumed that Karim Abdul-Jabbar was Kareem Abdul-Jabbars son.

Obviously, the people who thought this werent terribly bright. Not only does such conjecture ignore the fact that both Karim and Kareem were given their names by their Imam, but it also assumes that Kareem forget how to spell his own name when he passed it on to his son.

So, no, Sharmon Shah-turned-Karim Abdul-Jabbar was not Kareem Abdul-Jabbars son. And if there was any doubt about this fact whatsoever, it was put to rest when Kareem actually sued Karim over the use of his name.

Thats right, he sued.

Even more amazing is the fact that Kareem won his lawsuit, forcing Karim to take the Jabbar off his jersey and forcing the Miami Dolphins, Karims employer at the time, to pull all of the Abdul-Jabbar merchandise from the shelves.

Oh, by the way, Karim was obviously so distraught over losing the lawsuit against his non-idol, non-father Kareem that he changed his name to Abdul-Karim al-Jabbar.

All of this makes me think that if Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was Karim Abdul-Jabbar, er, sorry, Abdul-Karim al-Jabbars father, he wouldnt have been a very good one.

Which, of course, he wasnt.

So, its all good.

Although I remain troubled by Kareem suing Karim over his name. I may need to rethink my plan to change my name to Goar Vidal.

(AH)

Several years ago, while sitting in an airport, I overheard a man discussing football with his young son. Specifically, he was talking about the American Football League, the renegade league of the 1960s that would eventually merge with the National Football League.

The AFL, he explained, had many great players like Joe Namath, Lance Alworth, and Len Dawson.

Correct.

They generally had more wide-open offenses that changed the way the game was played.

Correct.

And what made the league unusual was that they used a red, white, and blue ball.