Jef Mallett - Trizophrenia: Inside the Minds of a Triathlete

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

THE STUPIDEST RULE IN TRIATHLON has to be the one that says, No outside assistance.

Nobody does a triathlon solo. It takes too much support, patience, teaching, experience, indulgence, shared rides, group workouts, and hand-me-down stuff from too many people to even think about calling triathlon an individual sport. I could write a whole book thanking everyone who has helped me, and I kinda sorta just did.

Nobody writes a book solo, either, and I sure didnt.

I cant name everyone I owe, but there are a few who need to go on the record:

MY WIFE, Patty Mallett, whose life is inconvenienced by all this training and racing and writing as surely as my own is; who encourages it outwardly even those times when shes just putting up with it inwardly; who, to better understand it all, went and tried it herself.

MY PARENTS, Gordon and Janet Mallett, who taught me that writing and drawing was a fine way to work and that sweating and failing and trying again was a fine way to play; for a lifetime (so far!) of encouragement, support, and unabashed fandom; for solid enough genes to be a passable amateur but not a stressed-out pro.

LEGIONS OF TRAINING PARTNERS AND FRIENDS, but none more than Brian Bess, who over the years has heard every story in this book a dozen times, knows hell hear them again, and still trains with me.

MORE FRIENDS who read the book as I was writing it and offered feedback, questions, reassurance, and the right words at the right time. But none more than Al Bliss, who may have spent more time reviewing it than I spent writing it.

THE PROFESSIONALSwho also have become friendsat VeloPress, who saw to it that my writing makes my enthusiasm more understandable, not less so. And none more than Renee Jardine, who got it in her head that I might write something informative, enlightening, entertaining, and on timeand nobly settled for most of those.

PEOPLE EVERYWHERE who work for their fun; people who get it.

APPENDIX
by Patty Mallett

IF YOURE A TRIATHLETE, this sections not for youto put it in racing terms, youve already crossed the finish line. This section is for your spouse, your significant other, your friend, or your coworker who has found him- or herself in a mnage trois of sorts with you and your sport of choice.

If youre not a triathlete, youre probably reading this book because youre involvedin some way or anotherwith one. Maybe you married a triathlete. Or youre dating one, or youre friends with one, or you work with one. And you want to be supportive of (or at least polite about) his or her, um, obsession.

Welcome. This section is for you.

Trust that I speak from experience. Jef has competed in at least 50 triathlons in the 21 years of our marriage, and Ive probably attended two-thirds of them as his personal cheering section. (I even got around to competing in one myself!)

Ive watched mysterious powders take over counter space in our kitchen and listened as Jef referredin all seriousnessto the bars of compressed whatever and packets of gels in his pockets as food. Ive done my best to understand lengthy conversations about things like mean maximal power and lactate thresholdconversations that take place with very little actual input from me. Ive written checks for major triathlon-related purchases.

If you do all of these things, youll be your triathletes hero. But watching a triathlon is the best way to show your support, and its way more fun than listening to endless talk about average wattage and aero bars. While triathlons not a particularly spectator-friendly sporttheres no neat rectangular playing field on which all the action takes place while you sit in the stands with a hot dog and a box of popcornits not unfriendly, either. You just need to know what to expect.

I can help. Heres what to expectdivided into three parts in keeping with the triathlon theme.

Early start times: Even a sprint triathlon requires 5 kilometers (3.1 miles) of running and 20 kilometers (12.4 miles) of cycling on public roads, and local officials are generally more willing to block off intersections and disrupt traffic early in the day, when traffic volume is light. Triathlons are usually well under way by 8 a.m.

If youre going to the triathlon with your triathlete, you can expect an even earlier start to allow time to pick up the race packet, get body markings, meticulously lay out the race gear in the transition area, and warm up. Most triathletes are unlikely to appreciate assistance with any of these tasks.

Bring a chair (the nylon kind that folds up so you can stuff it into a bag and haul it around easily is great for triathlons), a bottle of water, a cup of coffee, and a newspaper or magazine. Bring a few snacks for yourself, too, especially if the triathlon is any longer than a sprint. Your breakfast will wear off before you know it, and its impolite to nosh on the stuff thats there to feed the athletes. Find a place to land within sight of your triathletes spot in the transition area (but outside itrace officials generally dont want anyone in the transition area but triathletes and volunteers), and get comfortable. Youre going to be there a while. Relax and enjoy it.

Lots of downtime: One of the best ways to watch a triathlete compete is to stay within sight of the transition area. You can count on a reappearance between the swim and the bike and between the bike and the run.

I like to watch Jef start his swim, then go back to my chair outside the transition area and read my Detroit Free Press or People magazine)

Once Jef heads off on his bicycle, I can settle back into my chair and read until hes due to show up in transition again. I cheer wildly while he puts on his running shoes and leaves, then sit back and wait for him to finish the race.

This is where it comes in handy to watch the same triathlete regularly, especially if his or her finish times are at all consistent. Jefs schedule for an Olympic-distance triathlon is wonderfully predictable. If his swim wave takes off at 8 a.m., Ill see him in transition by 8:30. Hell be back again after the bike leg a little after 9:30 a.m. and finished with the entire race by 10:30 or so.

A good time: Its hard not to have fun at a triathlon, especially if youre not doing all the hard work. If youre a people watcher, youll enjoy the wide array of humanity taking part in the racefirst-timers working toward bragging rights, experienced triathletes putting another notch in their fuel belts, fat people, thin people, old people, young people. Give them each a round of applause as they go by, would you?

One of my all-time favorite triathlons (one that, alas, no longer exists) had a run course that went past my aunt and uncles house. Id see Jef off on the swim and head to their house, where wed set up lawn chairs in the driveway, drink coffee, eat doughnuts,especially the last of the finishers.

Was I obnoxious? Probably. But I was also right. When I finally competed in a triathlon of my own, I learned how much it meant to have someone cheering you oneven if it was someone youd never seen before and would probably never see again. I was exceedingly grateful for the kindness of strangers and irritated in equal measures by the doofus on the bike course who told me to hurry up because I was way behind.

When I finally staggered across the finish line3:47:52 after startingthere was a noisy group of family and race volunteers greeting my arrival. I felt like a rock star. I felt like a triathlete.

Dont be stingy with your cheers. Hug your sweaty triathlete at the finish line. Its a big accomplishment.

And you helped make it happen.

Or maybe you married/are dating/are friends with/work with a once perfectly normal human being who has since turned into a triathlete. It happens.

If youre married to or seriously involved with a triathlete, listening politely while ongoing equipment needs are discussed can get complicated, especially if your finances are intertwined. If your triathlete is at all like mine, the equipment needs will start smalla swim cap here, a pair of running shoes therethen grow as interest in the sport grows. Before long, youll find yourself discussing, in all seriousness, the purchase of a tri-specific bicycle that costs more than your monthly mortgage payment. My advice here? Assuming youre not having problems making your monthly mortgage payment, and assuming your triathlete is actually using the previous purchases,