Tove Ditlevsen - Youth

I was at my first job for only one day. I left home at seven-thirty in order to be there in plenty of time, because you should try especially hard in the beginning, said my mother, who had never made it past the beginning at the places where shed worked in her youth. I was wearing the dress from the day after my confirmation that Aunt Rosalia had made. It was of light blue wool and there were little pleats in the front so that I didnt look quite as flat-chested as usual. I walked down Vesterbrogade in the thin, sharp sunshine, and I thought that everyone looked free and happy. When theyd passed the street door near Pile All, which would soon swallow me up, their step became as light as dancers, and happiness resided somewhere on the other side of Valby Bakke. The dark hallway smelled of fear, so I was afraid that Mrs Olfertsen would notice it, as if Id brought the smell with me. My body and my movements became stiff and awkward as I stood listening to her fluttering voice explaining many things and, in between the explanations, running on like an empty spool that babbled about nothing in an uninterrupted stream about the weather, about the boy, about how tall I was for my age. She asked whether I had an apron with me, and I took my mothers out of the emptied school bag. There was a hole near the seam because there was something or other wrong with everything that my mother was responsible for, and I was touched by the sight of it. My mother was far away and I wouldnt see her for eight hours. I was among strangers I was someone whose physical strength theyd bought for a certain number of hours each day for a certain payment. They didnt care about the rest of me. When we went out to the kitchen, Toni, the little boy, came running up in his pajamas. Good morning, Mummy, he said sweetly, leaning against his mothers legs and giving me a hostile look. The woman gently pulled herself free from him and said, This is Tove, say hello to the nice lady. Reluctantly he put out his hand and when I took it, he said threateningly, You have to do everything I say or else Ill shoot you. His mother laughed loudly and showed me a tray with cups and a teapot, and asked me to fix the tea and come into the living room with it. Then she took the boy by the hand and went into the living room her high heels clacking. I boiled the water and poured it into the pot, which had tea leaves in the bottom. I wasnt sure if that was correct because Id never had or made tea before. I thought to myself that rich people drank tea and poor people drank coffee. I pushed the door handle down with my elbow and stepped into the room, where I stopped, horrified. Mrs Olfertsen was sitting on Uncle Williams lap, and on the floor Toni lay playing with a train. The woman jumped up and began pacing back and forth on the floor so that her wide sleeves kept cutting the sunshine up into little fiery flashes. Be so good as to knock, she hissed, before you come into a room here. I dont know what youre accustomed to, but thats what we do here, and youd better get used to it. Go out again! She pointed toward the door and, confused, I set the tray down and went out. For some reason or other it stung me that she addressed me formally, like a grownup. That had never happened to me before. When I reached the hallway, she yelled, Now knock! I did. Come in! I heard, and this time she and the silent Uncle William were each sitting on their own chair. I was bright red in the face from humiliation and I quickly decided that I couldnt stand either of them. That helped a little. When they had drunk the tea, they both went into the bedroom and got dressed. Then Uncle William left, after giving his hand to the mother and the boy. I was apparently not anyone you said goodbye to. The woman gave me a long typewritten list of what kind of work I should do at various times during the day. Then she disappeared into the bedroom again and returned with a hard, sharp expression on her face. I discovered that she was heavily made up and radiated an unnatural, lifeless freshness. I thought her prettier before. She knelt down and kissed the boy who was still playing, then stood up, nodded slightly toward me, and vanished. At once the child got up, grabbed hold of my dress, and stared up at me winsomely. Toni wants anchovies, he said. Anchovies? I was dumbfounded and completely ignorant of childrens eating habits. You cant have that. Here it says I studied the schedule, ten oclock, rye porridge for Toni; eleven oclock, soft-boiled egg and a vitamin pill; one oclock He didnt feel like listening to the rest. Hanne always gave me anchovies, he said impatiently. She ate everything else herself you can too. Hanne was apparently my predecessor; and besides, I wasnt prepared to force a lot of things into a child who only wanted anchovies. OK , OK , I said, in a better mood now that the adults had gone. Where are the anchovies? He crawled up onto a kitchen chair and took down a couple of cans, then he found a can opener in a drawer. Open it, he said eagerly, handing it to me. I opened the can and put him up on the kitchen counter as he demanded. Then I let one anchovy after another disappear into his mouth, and when there werent any more, he asked to go down to the courtyard to play. I helped him get dressed and sent him down the kitchen stairs. From the window I could keep an eye on him playing. Then I was supposed to clean house. One of the items said: Carpet sweeper over the rugs. I took hold of the heavy monstrosity and navigated it onto the big red carpet in the living room. To try it out, I drove it over some threads which, however, did not disappear. Then I shook it a little and fiddled with the mechanism so that the lid opened and a whole pile of dirt fell out onto the carpet. I couldnt put it back together again; since I didnt know what to do with the dirt, I kicked it under the rug, which I stamped on a bit to even out the pile. During these exertions, it had gotten to be ten oclock and I was hungry. I ate the first of Tonis meals and fortified myself with a couple of vitamins. Then came the next item: Brush all of the furniture with water. I stared astonished at the note and then around at the furniture. It was strange, but that must be what was done here. I found a good stiff brush, poured cold water into a basin and again started in the living room. I scrubbed steadily and conscientiously until Id done half of the grand piano. Then it dawned on me that something was terribly wrong. On the fine, shiny surface, the brush had left hundreds of thin scratches and I didnt know how I was going to remove them before the woman came home. Terror crept like cold snakes over my skin. I took the note and again read: Brush all of the furniture with water. Whatever way I interpreted the order, it was clear enough and didnt exempt the grand piano. Was it possible that it wasnt a piece of furniture? It was one oclock and the woman came home at five. I felt such a burning longing for my mother that I didnt think there was any time to waste. Quickly I took off my apron, called Toni from the window, explaining to him that we were going to look at toy stores. He came upstairs and got dressed and, with him in hand, I raced through Vesterbrogade so he could hardly keep up. Were going home to my mother, I said, out of breath, to have anchovies. My mother was very surprised to see me at that time of day, but when we came inside and I told her about the scratched grand piano, she burst out laughing. Oh God, she gasped, did you really brush the piano with water? Oh no, how could anybody be so dumb! Suddenly she grew serious. Look here, she said, its no use you going back there. We can certainly find you another job. I was grateful but not especially surprised. She was like that, and if it had been up to her, Edvin could have changed apprenticeships. Yes, I said, but what about Father? Oh, she said, well just tell him the story about Uncle William Father cant stand that kind of thing. A light-hearted mood possessed us both, like in the old days, and when Toni cried for anchovies, we took him with us down to Istedgade and bought two cans for him. A little before four oclock, my mother and the boy went back to Mrs Olfertsens, where my mother got back the apron and the school bag. I never found out what was said about the damaged grand piano.