Ronald Firbank
The Flower beneath the Foot
Being a Record of the Early Life of St. Laura De Nazianzi and the Times in Which She Lived
Table of Contents
Dedication and Epigraphs
To
Madame Mathieu
and
Mademoiselle Dora Gamier-Pages
Some girls are born organically good: I wasnt.
St Laura de Nazianzi.
It was about my eighteenth year that I conquered my Ego.
Ibid.
I
NEITHER her Gaudiness the Mistress of the Robes, or her Dreaminess the Queen were feeling quite themselves. In the Palace all was speculation. Would they be able to attend the Ftes in honour of King Jotifa, and Queen Thleeanouhee of the Land of Dates?Court opinion seemed largely divided. Countess Medusa Rappa, a woman easily disturbable, was prepared to wager what the Countess of Tolga liked (she knew), that another week would find the Court shivering beneath the vaulted domes of the Summer-Palace.
I fear Ive no time (or desire) now, Medusa, the Countess answered, moving towards the Royal apartments, for making bets, though turning before the ante-room door she nodded: Done!
She found her sovereign supine on a couch piled with long Tunisian cushions, while a maid of honour sat reading to her aloud:
Live with an aim, and let that aim he high! the girl was saying as the Countess approached.
Is that you, Violet? her Dreaminess enquired without looking round.
How is your condition, Madam? the Countess anxiously murmured.
Tell me, do, of a place that soothes and lulls one?
The Countess of Tolga considered.
Paris, she hazarded.
Ah! Impossible.
The Summer-Palace, then, the Countess ejaculated, examining her long slender fingers that were like the tendrils of a plant.
Dr Cuncliffe Babcock flatly forbids it, the Royal woman declared, starting slightly at the sound of a gun: That must be the Dates! she said. And in effect, a vague reverberation, as of individuals cheering, resounded fitfully from afar. Give me my diamond anemones, the Queen commanded, and motioning to her Maid: Pray conclude, mademoiselle, those lofty lines.
With a slight sigh, the lectress took up the posture of a Dying Intellectual.
Live with an aim, and let that aim he high! she reiterated in tones tinged perceptibly with emotion.
But not too high, remember, Mademoiselle de Nazianzi
There was a short pause. And then
Ah Madam! What a dearest he is!
I think you forget yourself, the Queen murmured with a quelling glance. You had better withdraw.
He has such strength! One could niche an idol in his dear, dinted chin.
Enough!
And a moment later, the enflamed girl left the room warbling softly: Depuis le Jour.
Holy Virgin, the Countess said, addressing herself to the ceiling. Should his Weariness, the Prince, yield himself to this caprice
The Queen shifted a diamond bangle from one of her arms to the other.
She reads at such a pace, she complained, and when I asked her where she had learnt to read so quickly, she replied On the screens at Cinemas.
I do not consider her at all distinguished, the Countess commented turning her eyes away towards the room.
It was a carved-ceiled, and rather lofty room, connected by tall glass doors with other rooms beyond. Peering into one of these the Countess could see reflected the throne, and a little piece of broken Chippendale brought from England, that served as a stand for a telephone, wrought in ormolu and rock-crystal, which the suns rays at present were causing to emit a thousand playful sparks. Tapestry panels depicting the Loves of Mejnoun and Leileh half concealed the silver boisries of the walls, while far down the room, across old rugs from Chirvan that were a marvellous wonder, showed fortuitous jardinires, filled with every flowering-kind of plant. Between the windows were canopied recesses, denuded of their statues by the Queens desire, in order that they might appear suggestive, while through the windows themselves, the Countess could catch across the fore-court of the castle, a panorama of the town below, with the State Theatre and the Garrisons, and the Houses of Parliament, and the Hospital, and the low white dome, crowned by turquoise-tinted tiles of the Cathedral, which was known to all churchgoers as the Blue Jesus.
It would be a fatal connexion, the Queen continued, and it must never, never be!
By way of response the Countess exchanged with her sovereign a glance that was known in Court circles as her tortured-animal look: Their Oriental majesties, she observed, to judge from the din, appear to have already endeared themselves with the mob!
The Queen stirred slightly amid her cushions.
For the aggrandisement of the countrys trade, an alliance with Dateland is by no means to be depreciated, she replied, closing her eyes as though in some way or other this bullion to the State would allow her to gratify her own wildest whims, the dearest, perhaps, of which was to form a party to excavate (for objects of art) among the ruins of Chedorlahomor, a faubourg of Sodom.
Am I right, Madam, in assuming its Bananas? the Countess queried.
But at that moment the door opened, and his Weariness the Prince entered the room in all his tinted Orders.
Handsome to tears, his face, even as a child had lacked innocence. His was of that magnolia order of colouring, set off by pleasantly untamed eyes, and teeth like flawless pearls.
Youve seen them? What are they like Tell Mother, darling? the Queen exclaimed.
Theyre merely dreadful, his Weariness, who had been to the railway-station to welcome the Royal travellers, murmured in a voice extinct with boredom.
Theyre in European dress, dear? his mother questioned.
The King had on a frock coat and a cap
And she?
A tartan-skirt, and checked wool-stockings.
She has great individuality, so I hear, marm, the Countess ventured.
Individuality be ! No one can doubt shes a terrible woman.
The Queen gently groaned.
I see life to-day, she declared, in the colour of mould.
The Prince protruded a shade the purple violet of his tongue.
Well, its depressing, he said, for us all, with the Castle full of blacks.
That is the least of my worries, the Queen observed. Oh, Yousef, Yousef, she added, do you wish to break my heart?
The young man protruded some few degrees further his tongue.
I gather youre alluding to Laura! he remarked.
But what can you see in her? his mother mourned.
She suits my feelings, the Prince simply said.
Peuh!
She meets my needs.
Shes so housemaid I hardly know! the Queen raised beautiful hands bewildered.
Trs gutter, maam, the Countess murmured dropping her voice to a half-whisper.
She saves us from clich, the Prince indignantly said.
She saves us from nothing, his mother returned. Oh, Yousef, Yousef. And what cern eyes, my son. I suppose you were gambling all night at the Chteau des Fleurs?
Just hark to the crowds! the Prince evasively said. And never too weary to receive an ovation, he skipped across the room towards the nearest window, where he began blowing kisses to the throng.
Give them the Smile Extending, darling, his mother beseeched.
Wont you rise and place your arm about him. Madam, the Countess suggested.
Im not feeling at all up to the mark, her Dreaminess demurred, passing her fingers over her hair.
