Chris Tookey - Named and Shamed: The Worlds Worst and Wittiest Movie Reviews From Affleck to Zeta-Jones

Afflecks character has all the personality of a medicated sloth.

(Mr Cranky, Mr Cranky Rates the Movies)

Alongside Sandra Bullock, he looks bemused and depressed, like a sane man finding himself on a blind date with Julie Burchill.

(Christopher Tookey, Daily Mail)

Ben Affleck is like a larch in uniform.

(Christopher Tookey, Daily Mail)

The first hurdle is the hardest: accepting Ben Affleck in the role of possibly the most intelligent man on the planet.

(Matt Brunson, Creative Loafing)

Affleck is just fine when he plays a regular guy, but whenever he tries to, like, act, he ends up looking like a perplexed and mildly retarded simian.

(Jon Popick, Planet Sick-Boy)

The good news is that Jennifer Lopezs character dies in the first 20 minutes. The bad news is that Ben Affleck lives.

(Thomas Delapa, Boulder Weekly)

If Hans Blix is still searching for bombs, he should check out Surviving Christmas, a crass, shrill and laughless disaster of a holiday comedy with a desperately mugging Ben Affleck that should be banned under the Geneva Convention.

(Lou Lumenick, New York Post)

Ben Affleck trying to raise a laugh is about as funny and futile as Ben Affleck trying to raise the dead.

(Catherine Shoard, Sunday Telegraph)

The biggest problem by far is Honey herself - a sort of cheapo Britney Spears by way of Mother Teresa whos just so damn helpful (I didnt need that money for me, I needed it for the children) that by the end youre almost praying for her to slip a disc.

(Catherine Shoard, Sunday Telegraph)

The Invisible Woman (Jessica Alba) is, paradoxically, good only to look at: when she opens her mouth to speak, its clear that she should have been called The Woman With No Visible Charisma.

(Christopher Tookey, Daily Mail)

Its a good thing Jessica Alba is easy on the eyes because she belly flops on to the craft of acting like a big black anvil.

(Mark Ramsey, Moviejuice)

Alba performs with all the giddiness of a seventh-grader trying out, badly, for the school play.

(Andrea Chase, Killer Movie Reviews)

The most vapid stars of our age, Hayden Christensen and Jessica Alba, achieve total vapidosity in this jaw-dropping exercise in preposterosity.

(Ken Hanke, Mountain Express, North Carolina)

Awake is Lena Olins movie. Her Lilith dominates every scene, and watching her eat up Jessica Alba before spitting out the bones is a delight to relish.

(Cole Smithey, colesmithey.com)

Into the prison yard strolls the one and only Joan Allen. Yes, Oscar-nominated Joan Allen. Into this mess. To say Joan is slumming is an insult to a slum. Picture Bette Davis in Norbit or Judi Dench in Daddy Day Camp.

(Mark Ramsey, Moviejuice)

Keith Allen is remarkably unfrightening as the Hannibal Lecter figure; he is not helped by the fact that the hero looks at least six inches taller and five stone heavier than he. Poor little Keith hangs on gamely, but looks like a chihuahua trying to maul a Rottweiler.

(Christopher Tookey, Daily Mail)

Any possible interest the film may hold depends on your view of Keith Allens slightly over-ripe acting style. If you like it, there might be something to gain from Beyond Bedlam (so thats an audience of one, then eh, Keith?). And at least with Allen on the team, Craig Fairbrass can breathe a sigh of relief, because unlike Darklands, hes not the worst thing in the picture.

(Chris Wood, British Horror Films)

Just as you think this film cant get any worse, Keith Allen strips off and shows us his singularly unappealing bottom.

(Christopher Tookey, Daily Mail)

Painful in three separate ways: as unfunny comedy, poor moviemaking, and embarrassing self-revelation. It is everything we never wanted to know about Woodys sex life and were afraid hed tell us anyway. The jokes are tired and can often be seen dragging their feet toward us a mile off; when they finally arrive, we are more apt to commiserate than laugh.

(John Simon, National Review)

A dishonest social commentator, metaphysical seeker, and existential sniveler.

(John Simon, National Review)

Woody Allen, supposedly playing a complacent, surfing, 40 year-old LA lawyer with a pony-tail, instead gives us a portrait of a twitchy, 55 year-old, miscast New York actor.

(Christopher Tookey, Sunday Telegraph)

The pictures one big drawback, which keeps it from being completely amusing, is Allens performance. He cannot act. He never could act. Theres no sign, at this late date, that he ever will be able to act.

(Stanley Kauffmann, New Republic)

A dreary piece of camp by one of Europes most overrated directors. Picador, and leave.

(Christopher Tookey, Sunday Telegraph)

A mess of ludicrously contrived eroticism, pretentious dialogue, and reprehensibly voyeuristic sensationalism. Almodovars silly, cod-philosophical whodunit impresses only for its bravado.

(Geoff Andrew, Time Out)

Pedro Almodovars longest film is also among his least memorable. It marks a continuation of his infatuation with (a) bold primary colours and (b) Penelope Cruz. He is never happier than when dressing (b) in (a). Not for the first time, I found myself wondering whether Pedro might not be happier working in the wardrobe department.

(Christopher Tookey, Daily Mail)

Altman has most of the qualifications for a major director except the supreme one of having something significant to say.

(John Simon, National Review)

Robert Altman is becoming a public embarrassment.

(Stanley Kauffmann, New Republic)

If Hell does exist, Im sure the only movie theatre in town will be playing nothing but Anthony Anderson movies.

(Nick Schager, Slant Magazine)

Watching Anderson try to be funny is like getting a tooth pulled, or sitting through a Tim Burton DVD audio commentary.

(Kevin Carr, 7M Pictures)

Actress

Gillian Anderson looks like a supply teacher.

(David Baddiel)

It puts the future back two thousand years.

(Benny Green, Punch)

Writer-director Wes Anderson goes for the same kind of laid-back, would-be cool comedy that won him rave reviews (though not from me) for Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums. As usual, he thinks his characters are endearingly quirky, when in fact they are tiresomely juvenile and self-obsessed.