Bob Hartman - More Bible Tales
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Now for the other side of the story!
The Bible version of the Old and New Testament tales may be the official one. But there were plenty of characters on the sidelines who saw things from a different angle.
Packed full of humour, mischief, silliness, and fun: these unauthorized versions from master storyteller Bob Hartman get to the heart of the matter.
Bob Hartman knows how to captivate an audience, and regularly entertains children and adults around the world as a performance storyteller. He is perhaps best known for the widely acclaimed Lion Storyteller Bible . When he is not writing, Bob enjoys watching films, driving his cars, and entertaining his grandchildren.
Text copyright 2013 Bob Hartman
This edition copyright 2013 Lion Hudson
The right of Bob Hartman to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
Published by Lion Childrens Books
an imprint of
Lion Hudson plc
Wilkinson House, Jordan Hill Road,
Oxford OX2 8DR, England
www.lionhudson.com/lionchildrens
ISBN 978 0 7459 6435 5
e-ISBN 978 0 7459 6806 3
First edition 2013
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
Genesis 69
Genesis 11
1 Kings 1718
Mark 5, Luke 8
Matthew 9; Mark 5; Luke 7, 8; John 11
Matthew 26, Mark 14, Luke 22
Matthew 27, Mark 15, Luke 23
Acts 20
You might have heard of a very famous English translation of the Bible called The Authorized Version. Its been around for just over 400 years. Well, I thought it might be fun to write an Unauthorized Version!
Authorized suggests official or approved of. I figured that an unauthorized version, then, would come from someone who wasnt particularly official from someone, maybe, that no one had even heard of. So I set about making up other voices to tell these familiar Bible stories. I wrote an Old Testament Version and New Testament Version, but there were voices from both testaments I still wanted to hear. So thats why theres a third volume, with voices like these:
- Noahs dog
- Judass nephew
- a young man who couldnt keep his eyes open during one of Pauls sermons.
I tried to tell the stories in a way that would be true to the original, but also in a way that would bring out the humour in them.
I sort of doubt that anyone will be reading these in 400 years time, but I hope that you enjoy them, and that you chuckle (at least a little). That will be approval enough for me.
Dog jumped up and down.
Fox, Fox! he woofed. I need to talk to you. Right now.
Fox stuck a nose out of his hole.
This doesnt have anything to do with your masters chickens, does it? he asked, suspiciously.
No, no! What chickens? Dog woofed. But it does have to do with my master.
Never mind the chickens, then, Fox shrugged, sticking his head out as well. So tell me about your master, if you must. Though why you insist on remaining in that ridiculous slave relationship escapes me.
I know, I know! Dog woofed. But this time it might help. My master is building a boat. And I saved a seat, just for you!
Fox pulled his shoulders out of the hole, and propped up his cheek on his paw. Then he chuckled.
A boat, you say?
Yes, yes! Dog woofed. A BIG boat!
Fox smiled a bemused smile. I have to confess that I have always wanted to ride on a boat. A salty breeze blowing through my fur. A jaunty sailors cap on my head. Yes, it sounds like heaven. And then he raised his eyebrows and lowered his voice. The only problem is that we are miles and miles away from the sea. Has your master thought of that?
Yes, yes! Dog woofed. He has thought of that. You see, we wont be going to the sea. The sea will be coming to us. Sort of. See?
Fox sighed. No, I dont see. And I especially dont see how the sea will be coming to us.
Sort of, Dog woofed. I said, Sort of.
And how exactly will that happen, then? Sort of? Fox replied.
Its going to rain! Dog woofed. Rain and rain and rain! And rain.
Fox shifted his other paw to his other cheek. Rain? he repeated, incredulously. Rain here? In what most people would call a desert?
Thats right, thats right! Dog woofed.
Rain hard enough to float a boat?
A big boat! Dog woofed. Very big! Big enough to carry two of every animal in the world!
Fox tried not to laugh. Im working very hard to be polite, he sniggered. But your masters idea is sounding more and more absurd. A boat big enough to carry two of every animal in the world would have to be enormous, for a start assuming that you could collect two of every animal in the world. And to float that boat, you would need so much rain that everything we see around us would have to disappear beneath the water.
I know, I know! Dog woofed.
Im pleased to hear it, Fox replied. Your loyalty has not blinded you to reason and common sense.
No, no! Dog woofed. I know that it would take an enormous boat. And I know that it would take an even enormous-er flood. But thats whats going to happen. And thats why Im here. So you can get on the boat and be safe!
Im touched, said Fox. I truly am. We have had our differences over the years mostly to do with those chickens so your concern for my well-being is particularly moving. But I wont be moving, from this spot or onto this enormous boat of yours, because your masters idea is, quite frankly, crackers.
Oh, it wasnt his idea, Dog woofed. Not his idea at all!
That is a relief, Fox sighed. I was worried, for a moment there, that his insanity might affect you personally. That he would insist on calling you Plumcake or dress you up in childrens clothing. So whose idea was it, then?
Gods! Dog woofed. It was Gods idea.
Fox rolled his eyes. Hmm. Well. Yes. I should have guessed.
So you talk to God, too? Dog woofed.
No, Fox sighed. I do not talk to God, my friend. Because there is no such person.
Dog stopped bouncing up and down. No such person? he woofed. No such person? But my master talks to him all the time.
Perhaps he does, Fox nodded. Just as I talked to my imaginary friend, Basil, when I was a cub. But even then I knew that Basil was not real.
How? Dog woofed. How?
Well, for a start, Fox replied, he never talked back.
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